al_squad
patreon
Turning Chapter 1108
🕑 Added 2024-09-04 11:04:37 +0000 UTCChapter 1108
There was no hint of deceit or secrecy in those eyes. Considering Kishiar’s words and the current situation, his reasoning was sound.
However, Yuder looked at him for a moment and then shook his head.
"Regardless of agreeing with what you said, that method would be difficult."
"Do you mean it's difficult because it was something you accomplished by chance back then?"
"That's correct, but it's not just that."
As Kishiar said, what Yuder had done at that time was a very coincidental result. Not knowing which of the tangled energies in front of him now was the factor inducing heat, what if he touched it carelessly and caused some unexpected other result?
Of course, untangling the energies itself isn't a bad thing, so he doesn't think it would be life-threatening, but...
"Look at how the heat that was postponed once has now returned in this form. Even if I succeed in doing that again, it might have an unknown influence on the precursor symptoms and form of the next heat."
"That's-"
"Of course, you'll say it's fine."
The man closed his mouth at Yuder's words. Yuder quietly continued speaking.
"Although you say the precursor symptoms that were close to pain have changed for the better, we don't know if it will be the same next time. For example... think about what would happen if even more energy filled your body than now."
Yuder's gaze turned to Kishiar's interior. Even now, the amount was so much that it was incomprehensible how one person could contain it all, but if it increased even more from here, even his ability might not be able to protect the vessel. He didn't want to think about what would happen after that.
"...You know better than anyone that having a larger amount of usable power isn't necessarily a good thing, don't you?"
Especially him, who had to walk towards death because he had too much power.
"..."
"So even if I could do what you want now, I would have said I don't want to. At least not without certainty."
Kishiar's lips moved slightly.
"Certainty that 'I' would be safe?"
"Yes."
As he answered, Yuder put more strength into the hand that was still resting on Kishiar's fist.
It might sound funny coming from someone who had once taken Kishiar's life. However, it seemed much better to prepare for the aftermath of the heat that would naturally come without touching anything, rather than putting his hands on Kishiar's body without certainty.
And one more thing.
"You must have already thought of what I've thought. You probably guessed that I would say this too, didn't you?"
"..."
"As you said, if possible, it would be best to continue observing the current situation as much as possible. However, those words just now... somehow feel like they weren't just for that reason. Even when you mentioned going to the tower alone… It didn’t seem like it was just for the sake of the situation."
After that, Yuder closed his mouth and took a deep breath. And as he exhaled, he wished for something.
To be able to understand the deepest hidden emotions that the man in front of him must be feeling now.
"It seems you're thinking something wrong... even if the heat comes right now, why would that be a reason for you to go to the tower alone? Do you think I would let you go alone?"
The moment those sharp and heavy words ended, the fist lying quietly under Yuder's hand twitched.
At the same time, Yuder felt the bright threads blooming like pollen around him, and the sharp fragments of pain flowing in through them.
'Ah.'
That pain, which came like mercilessly tying the heart with a string, was accompanied by a numbness that was painful enough to be heartbreaking, lovingness, and some other emotions that hadn't been there before.
It was... an ice-cold fear.
And it was also a deep, black guilt that was familiar to Yuder.
But why was Kishiar feeling such emotions? There hadn't been any reason for it. The moment Yuder swallowed his breath in surprise at those emotions, Kishiar lowered his eyes. He whispered very softly in that state.
"...Yes. You're right."
"..."
"Even though I had thought about everything, I ended up asking without realizing it. Within the rational purpose of worrying about the surrounding situation... I couldn't resist the desire to somehow chase after a way to avoid this fear."
The moment he said he wanted to avoid the fear himself, the emotions transmitted to Yuder also became stronger than before. Yuder opened his mouth while gritting his teeth to endure those emotions.
"What are you afraid of?"
The man who had personally shown Yuder with his body that there was no need to be averse to heat wouldn't be afraid of it itself now. Then what on earth related to heat was he afraid of?
"Are you afraid that an unexpected disaster will break out while you're away? If that's it, I and the Cavalry..."
"No. I'm not afraid of that."
Before the words were finished, the man shook his head. He looked at Yuder's fingers that were tightly grasping his hand so it couldn't escape anywhere, and answered hesitantly.
"...What I'm afraid of,"
"..."
"Is some kind of failure that could be encountered through heat. No, to be precise, it might be the memory of failure."
"What do you mean..."
"..."
Instead of answering, Kishiar remained silent. In that silence, Yuder suddenly felt an answer like lightning.
Heat, failure, memory.
There aren't many things that could overlap all three words. Especially between him and Kishiar.
There was only one thing he could guess.
"...Is it related to the memory of the dream you had before?"
The memory of the day Yudrain Aile came to Peletta to kill Kishiar La Orr. Yuder still didn't know how much of the memory remained with Kishiar who had assimilated with Kishiar of that day, how much he had inferred and obtained new information. Because Kishiar hadn't told him yet.
Was the memory and information that remained after assimilation that day so bad that the man who already knew everything about how Yuder came to kill Kishiar and how he killed him felt fear anew? Or...
Kishiar reached out to Yuder's face, which was frowning and biting his lower lip. With the other hand that wasn't held by Yuder, he pressed and pulled out the white-bitten lip, and then slowly rubbed the reddened lip with a regretful look in his eyes as he exhaled.
"It's not your fault. It's all because I'm a coward, because I'm weak."
"You are not weak."
"I thought so too. Until I realized I couldn't even properly recognize my own scent."
"So that's..."
Yuder stopped mid-sentence, about to refute. It was because Kishiar's smile in the gaze he met suddenly looked too painful.
He already knows well enough. That a second gender manifested person can sometimes fail to properly recognize their own condition before manifestation or heat, that there are enough people to entrust things to even if he's away due to heat. Even that Yuder Aile in front of him would never leave him alone, that all the things he's worried about are already mountains that the current Yuder has crossed and doesn't mind.
But maybe that was exactly why.
Maybe knowing everything made it all the more painful.
Even though Yuder could feel Kishiar’s emotions, he couldn’t completely comprehend his thoughts. But he did understand what it was like when feelings flared beyond what reason could control.
"..."
The man called Kishiar La Orr is inherently bright, strong, and kind. It felt like he was seeing a moment when that kindness becomes a light for others, but a knife for himself.
Probably that knife doesn't appear at any time.
Just as Kishiar La Orr is to Yuder Aile, Yuder might be the only pain and fear for Kishiar.
So in other words, he was in pain because he loved and worried about Yuder.
To the extent that he would judge it was fine to mercilessly eliminate his own heat and shut himself alone in a tower.
Once he realized it, it was such a simple and obvious answer.
The moment he realized this fact, Yuder felt a pain like stabbing his heart again and grasped Kishiar's hand more tightly.
He now knows that the name of this pain, which doesn't become familiar no matter how many times he experiences it, is love.
Yuder looked into the man's eyes and thought about what he should do. How could he reassure this man who wants Yuder to take care of himself, but doesn't try to take care of himself?
Things that are understood by the head but not recognized by the heart, what should he do...
"...Yuder?"
Perhaps finding it strange that Yuder was tightly grasping his hand without saying anything, Kishiar called his name with concern. The moment he heard that voice, a certain thought flashed through Yuder's mind.
Yes. Perhaps...
"Eliminating the heat is impossible."
As Yuder murmured lowly, Kishiar smiled faintly.
"I know. I just said that. I have no intention of forcing you to do it. Fortunately, many prototypes of heat symptom suppressants made by mages have arrived, so if we first try taking those..."
"-But if it's going to come anyway, we might be able to make it come earlier and disappear faster."
Comments
hien
love can be so painful at times 😥😥😥
naís
Ah, these complicated lovebirds
Jesse Gibson
Ahhhh these two, my heart ♥️
PurpleTea
The pain is love 😭😭😭 Yuder I didn't know you could be so poetic 😭😭😭
Liandrin Kamiya
Honestly I am HERE for Yuder’s blossoming sexuality, seeing him be so forward and unashamed about his desires (finally!) is both satisfying and unexpectedly hilarious at times 🤣
Liandrin Kamiya
Aww 😭🥺 Kishiar is afraid of hurting Yuder during his heat the way his past self did, I’m so sad! I get why he’s scared, poor baby, he knows how traumatized Yuder was by that manifestation heat in the last timeline. This time is different though, but he can’t convince himself that it’s safe 🥺🥺🥺 Kishiar is his own harshest critic and it hurts every time he does this to himself Also, lol at Yuder giving Kishiar whiplash by being like “Guess we’ll just have to boink a lot now and get this through your system early!” 😂 Kishiar did NOT realize that they weren’t on the same page here haha, he thought he’d just lock himself up like a princess in a tower, meanwhile Yuder is pragmatic and horny and wants that commander dick LMAO
Bernie Jay
Indeed! If he felt all the things that OG Kishiar had felt, he would be able to guess how bad it was in the previous game. 😭😭😭
Dani
Did Kishiar get exposed to the previous game Kishiar's memories of Yuder's manifestation/first heat during the dream? (And the guilt and pain stemming from it.) I mean, it'd make sense that PG Kishiar was thinking about it that day...
