al_squad
patreon
Turning Chapter 1128
🕑 Added 2024-10-07 11:37:26 +0000 UTCChapter 1128
In Yuder's memory, Kishiar La Orr was a being who ended his life without revealing his inner thoughts until the very end.
No matter how much he thought about it, he couldn't easily believe that this mysterious man, whose thoughts he could never understand, had seen light in him.
'Not just trying to protect the Cavalry or Peletta's vassals, but that there was something beyond that...'
The Yuder Aile of the past would have cried out that it was nonsense.
But the current Yuder Aile couldn't do that. Because Kishiar wouldn't lie.
If that's how he felt, then that must be it.
Even if Yudrain Aile, who was there at the time, didn't know, he no longer thought it strange now. After all, how many things had he not known?
Still, he couldn't help but be surprised. It also stung his heart as if it were being sliced by a knife.
"But."
Yet at the same time...
"...It might sound strange, but my heart feels a little... more at ease."
Kishiar said it might be better not to know, but Yuder didn't think so. Knowing even now was a hundred, a thousand times better.
Yuder spoke to the one looking at him as if entranced.
"For a very long time, whenever I thought of you, I always felt inexplicable anger and coldness. Back then, I just thought that was natural. But now I... know that it was because of unfulfilled expectations and feelings I couldn't kill myself."
"..."
"No matter how curious I was now, I thought guesses would just be guesses, and since only you held the answer, I'd never know... but haven't I come to know in this way?"
Answers about the heart can never be known just by guessing.
Even one's own heart is difficult to give a definitive answer to, let alone someone else's heart. Especially the heart of someone who has disappeared forever.
"I still don't know why I came back here... but just knowing that answer just now, I think I was quite lucky enough. So..."
Yuder closed his eyes. The inside of his closed eyelids felt so hot.
"What I want is for you not to suffer. That's all."
Yuder Aile is now here, having left the past behind.
He has changed many things and come to know joys and happiness he didn't know before.
The man before him said he felt like Yuder was a god who permitted everything to him, but Yuder thought the opposite. It was all thanks to him supporting Yuder that Yuder could stand as he was now.
He hoped Kishiar himself wouldn't forget that fact.
"...Really, is that all?"
Yuder opened his eyes again. The sound of a heart beating as if about to burst was pounding through the body embraced without a gap. The face he met had an expression that was impossible to tell whether it wanted to cry or was feverish.
He raised his hand to caress Kishiar's cheek and opened his lips.
"As you probably already know, I'm neither a good person nor a smart one."
He pressed his finger to Kishiar's lips to stop him from objecting and continued speaking.
"The me in the previous game didn't realize it, but with the experience accumulated now, I can guess how precarious a situation I was in back then."
A young awakener from the countryside who was certainly strong, but didn't know that strength wasn't everything. Could there be better prey to chew and tear apart in the world?
The Yuder of that time didn't even have standards to judge anything by himself, and didn't know how to protect himself. If he had really left the Cavalry and returned to his hometown during the Western incident, wouldn't his end have been to be torn apart as prey by those who coveted or feared his power?
Or perhaps the ending would have been becoming someone like a second Nahan, frustrated with the world.
He recalled dreaming of playing a tactical game with Kishiar once.
'Were we talking about special pieces?'
Before Yuder became the commander, Kishiar used special pieces quite often when playing tactical games. While others would pull back to protect and aim for a single strike, he instead pushed them forward to deceive the opponent and by doing so, buried and protected the special piece among other pieces.
It certainly wasn't the common method. It was a risky and bold tactic that would end immediately if discovered by the opponent, like having one's liver outside the body.
Yet Kishiar did so. Because that was his way.
And Yuder was one who had learned from such a person.
All of Yuder Aile's standards were created by Kishiar La Orr. He was the one who taught Yuder, who had been empty like a blank sheet, how to fight, the meaning of responsibility, how to protect oneself, and how to live and face things with that.
Kishiar evaluated his tactic that day as the 'Black Swamp Formation', but Yuder didn't think that was all there was to it.
"So, I'll say this clearly. If I had been in a situation where I had to protect all that, I probably would have made a much worse choice. To be honest, if that situation had been a tactical game, I would have thought your tactical judgment was amazing. In fact, even knowing the result now, I still feel that way."
In his previous life, he had thought there must have been more talented people who could take responsibility for the Cavalry besides himself. But now Yuder understood why Kishiar had to choose him.
Only now, finally.
Very clearly, through both head and heart.
"I now clearly understand that what I tried to protect was also my fence. To protect everyone, that must have been the best choice. I understand the reasons you couldn't tell me too."
"...Yuder."
"Your choice was the best. If so, the fact that choice became the Black Swamp Formation was because of me, not because of you."
"Yuder, that's..."
Yuder pressed his lips again to stop the man.
"I'm not trying to blame myself for past events now. Please listen."
Hot breath was felt under the hand blocking his lips.
"I think you chose me as both a substitute piece and a special piece. The two can coexist as one piece."
"..."
"Honestly, I can't even imagine how great an expectation that is."
"..."
"I feel fortunate to know this even now. And... I think I'm a little happy too."
The red eyes blinked blankly. The lips under his palm moved...
"Happy?"
"Yes."
Hadn't Kishiar staked everything and chosen Yuder as a special piece in his last game?
The moment he thought that, sadness and a thrill arose simultaneously. Because he understood that it wasn't chosen without any feeling, but with some will and expectation.
A corner of the heart of the being he had always thought was turned away, not looking at him, had clearly been with him. The confession that he too had felt the same joy and pain as Yuder was painful enough to make him want to scream, yet also joyful.
Comments
moomin woo
These 2 make me die every chapter omgggggggg 😭😭. I'm glad that Yuder finally gets it: he was respected and he was adored by the Kishiar of back then....
Liandrin
Wow, my daily reminder that Yuder is a much better person than I am. I don’t think I would have been able to accept that truth with such grace, let alone be happy about it 😔
Bernie Jay
I can’t with the previous timeline. It was just so sad and desperate and despairing and yet, now, with perspective and time and love, Yuder knows he was loved back then too. Imma throw myself into a pit of pillows!!!!
Dani
No words. Only tears. 🥲
Patricia Ort
So complicated, yet Yuder and Kishiar's bond is becoming stronger as they communicate about the first game.
