StainedKarbonMaps
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Dealing with a loss.
🕑 Added 2024-07-10 21:05:48 +0000 UTCEDIT: Thank you all so much for the comforting words and love, you have no idea how much it helps. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, truly.
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This post is about pets and loss, so if that is something likely to upset you then please don’t read. Just know that my output has been slow recently because of this.
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I honestly don’t know what I want to write here so this might come out kind of rambly, forgive me as I’m not in the greatest of headspaces right now, I’m hoping writing this will help me process this.
A few hours ago I had to make the call to have my cat, my best friend of 16 years put to sleep due to serious intestinal complications caused by a mass (most likely cancer). She had been losing weight for a while and nothing seemed to be stopping it. A few days ago I had to take her to an emergency vet as she had taken a turn for the worse.
The vet did a blood test and quick scan and told me she was anaemic and lacking fluids (she drank a lot and peed a lot), I opted to have some fluids injected into her and take her home and have her regular vet do some more tests on her the next day.
They found what they suspected to be a mass in her abdomen but since her stomach was full of food it was hard to tell so we made another appointment for a scan in a few days. Unfortunately she took another turn and I had to take her in the next day instead of this friday (12th).
They were able to confirm something was causing the intestinal issues, most likely a tumour. Without a very risky, expensive operation they couldn’t be 100% certain but even if I could have afforded that op, I wouldn’t want to put her through that.
So I made the call to let her go, I made the appointment for later that evening and took her home to spend those last remaining hours with her. As of a few hours ago my baby girl is gone and I am completely heartbroken, I feel lost, I feel like part of me has been ripped away. I feel I am in limbo, like it is both real and not real. I keep thinking I can hear her purring next to me.
I love her so much, I’m going to miss her so much.
I’m going to miss looking over to see her staring at me as if to say “What about second breakfast?”.
I’m going to miss her stupid picky eating habits.
I’m going to miss her running over my head while I’m sleeping cause she wants food.
I’m going to miss her yelling at me.
I’m going to miss giving her cat bongos (she really enjoyed having her back dumbed with a couple of soft pool noodles).
I'm going to miss everything about her.
I feel guilty for having her put down even though it was for the best. I wish I could have told her what what happening, I wish she could have understood why. I wish she could have passed painlessly and peacefully in her sleep at home instead of a place she didn’t like. I’m still trying to process how fast she was gone. I have so much regret of all the things I couldn’t give her, I regret I didn’t catch her problems sooner, could I have saved her? I’m going to struggle with all this guilt and regret for the rest of my life.
I would have given the world for her.
I hope wherever she is that she knows I loved her so much and forgives me for not being a better owner.
Goodbye baby girl, I hope I’ll see you again someday. Until then there will be a you shaped hole in my heart.
I love you.
Comments
Stained Karbon Maps
Thank you Koops, I appreciate that. I still miss her dearly everyday and imagine I always will.
Koops
I'm sorry for your loss and for seeing this late. I know how difficult it is to have a beloved pet pass away. I wish you all the best moving forward.
Lily C. (Blue Qraz)
She did. Promise. Praying for you, friend. It won't hurt so bad with time.
Stained Karbon Maps
I appreciate the comforting words Loqe, thank you.
Loqe
So sorry for your loss. You made the best choice for her. Let yourself grieve and cherish memories you had with her.
Stained Karbon Maps
I'm sorry you had to go through that with your pup, that must have been a really difficult time. May we both find them again someday <3
Stained Karbon Maps
She was wonderful, I'll really miss her. Thank you for the comfort, I really appreciate it Arashi.
Arashi of Ordo 3
Oh god Karbon, I'm so sorry for your loss! She looks like such a wonderful little beast! Know that you made the kindest choice you could make in such awful circumstances. The guilt may linger, but so will the wonderful memories you made with her. Take time to breath, to morn, you have our support.
Remora Jewel
We had to put my schnauzer down a few years ago after an unfortunate accident and it was soul crushing... I definitely understand that pain but just know eventually you will be able to move on despite feeling a part of yourself is missing. They will find you again in the future and it will feel like they never left. 💜
Stained Karbon Maps
I'm sorry to hear that Ash, its an incredibly painful thing isn't it? I'm sorry you had to go through this too. Thank you.
Stained Karbon Maps
Thank you Remora, I've never felt heartbreak like this. I appreciate the comfort.
Stained Karbon Maps
The hardest thing I've ever done. When I get to see her again I'll give her all the breakfasts in the world. Thank you James.
Stained Karbon Maps
Thank you Stephan, I really hope I made the right call, its so hard to tell when they can't tell you.
Stained Karbon Maps
She is a precious fluffball, the most precious. Thank you David.
Stained Karbon Maps
16 years is so long yet no time at all, 100yrs wouldn't have been long enough. Thank you for the kind words Dabinski, I appreciate them.
Stained Karbon Maps
Thank you Kev, I really hope she is waiting for me somewhere and I get to see her again. I miss her terribly.
Stained Karbon Maps
I hope she loved me and knew that I loved her. I have enough love in my heart for others, but I don't think I have enough strength to deal with this again. Thank you Juliana.
Stained Karbon Maps
Thank you, she certainly was family, her loss has hurt me more than any other.
Stained Karbon Maps
I'm sorry to hear that Miha, the pain is just overwhelming. I've definitely lost a part of me with her passing, I never knew I could feel so hopeless. I'm not sure I'd ever be able to get another pet, I don't think I'm strong enough to go through this again. I'd be constantly stressed out that there is something wrong with them and I can't see it. I won't say never but it very much feels that way right now. Thank you Miha, I appreciate you taking the time to comfort me.
Stained Karbon Maps
Thank you Adron, I'm sorry you lost yours too, even if it was 3 years ago. They are part of us forever and always.
Stained Karbon Maps
I hope she was happy, I really do. Thank you Dale.
Stained Karbon Maps
16 years is a long time but also no where near long enough for sure. Thank you Ang.
Stained Karbon Maps
Thank you Lily, it's been tough, I keep looking over and expecting to see her. I do hope she knew I loved her.
Stained Karbon Maps
Thank you Nhilas, I appreciate that.
Nhilas Adaar
Sorry for your loss :(
Lily C. (Blue Qraz)
It is one of the most devastating feelings to lose a friend, even worse to lose a family member. My heart goes out to you. Take the time you need to grieve, and ultimately, to keep in mind the wonderful memories you have. They will eventually overshadow the pain. Hang in there. And remember that she loved you unconditionally. You were a good friend. The best. And so was she.
Ang
I am so sorry for your loss! 16 years is such a great length of time but it’s just never enough. My heart aches for you friend.
Dale Shumate
I'm so sorry for your loss. Wonderful companions that are with us for such a short amount of time. I imagine she had a wonderful life with you, and you filled her life with meaning and happiness.
Adron Buske
We never have long enough with them. So sorry to hear this. Have been there, and it's just awful. It's been 3 years since we said goodbye to my furry best friend of 16 years, and I still think about her every single day. But now I can dwell on the happy memories and celebrate her. I hope soon you can do the same.
Miha
I lost my puppy, 15.5 yo, last year. I had him for most of my life. I had no siblings growing up and he was like a brother to me, a part of me died with him I feel. So I know exactly what you're going through. You will never forget them, you will forever remember them and that is the greatest thing you can do for them. They are not gone. They are with you in spirit forever, guarding over you. It will take time to heal and you will miss them always. But it's okay that way, they deserve to be mourned. With time the pain will get better, but it will take a long time. But what helps a lot when you feel well enough for it, is to adopt a young pet of their kind, not to replace them, no one could ever replace them, but to repay your beloved pet for all their love, by giving another one of their kind the best life they could ever have and return through that all the love your beloved pet gave to you. For me this helped me heal, while also doing something I know my puppy would be proud of. 😭 My most sicere condolences and bless your dear kitty. 🙏
OnyxPanthyr
I' so sorry to hear. Take all the time you need. Pets are family and it's okay to take however long you need to mourn them. Cherish the memories full of nonjudgmental love. I'm sure you gave your sweet baby the best and that's all she needed. <3
Juliana Broam
You have been an excellent owner and she loved you I am sure. She lived a long time for a kitty and just know the vet didn't cause her more pain in helping her into her next life. I hope you find enough love in your heart to perhaps in time to find another furry companion that bring joy back into your life. *HUGS* Don't regret what you cannot know. Just know gave her a safe, loving home and that is all she asked for.
KevKZ
Sorry for your loss, she's in a better place now, and will continue to live in your memories forever. Use all the good memories to move on and keep going, instead of focusing on the few last hour. Remember : we're all part of the circle of life, and one day, you will meet her again, and you guys will be reunited again as she will be patiently waiting for you ! love <3
dabinski
16 years is a lovely long life for a cat my friend, and it sounds like hers was blessed with a lot of love and companionship. Few humans get to be cared for to such an extent. We can always be better and do better, but I hope with time you are able to look back happily on the gifts given. <3
KnyghtZero
She looks like a precious fluffball. I'm so sorry for your loss
Stephan Bakker
Such heartbreaking news... For what it's worth, I think you should have no reason to feel guilty. You probably saved her from a world of pain. Reading how much you loved her makes me confident in saying you were an excellent owner. I wish you and yours my deepest symphaties.
James P
That is a very hard thing to do. You did everything right loving her and caring for her every day. Just like she was your best girl, you were her best owner and she loves you with all of her heart forever without question. She will patiently wait for you and second breakfast while loving you.
Remora Jewel
I am so sorry for your loss, truly. It's a heartbreaking experience I hope you and yours take all the time you need to heal.
Ash Monogue
You have my deepest sympathies. I lost a cat that I had shared much of my life with too recently.
