Epilogue

Foxner

Time to finish my critique. Word doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1N3vnWBWf1YczX6qOW2WmOeLCII7LRYuGqJBMI2DRpsg/edit?usp=sharing (1) Final Notes I wish I had the time and patience to give you a thorough, in-depth critique by rereading the entire story, analyzing every chapter and book with care. Unfortunately, I don’t have the time, and though your story is excellent, I’m not yet in the habit of rereading books for fun. I know you’re combining books 1 and 2, and books 3 and 4, but I’ll refer to them with their original numbering since that’s how they’re organized in my head. This will make it easier to follow my critique since we both know the original structure. First, I want to congratulate you. Writing four books, totaling about 400,000 words, is an incredible accomplishment. Regardless of anyone’s opinion or the story’s perceived quality, what you’ve achieved is inspiring, and no one can take that away from you. Your dedication to writing, especially completing it all in just over three months, is impressive. Never forget how amazing that is. That said, there’s always room to grow. Even master authors aren’t perfect, and striving for improvement is part of the process. Mistakes aren’t a problem—stagnation is. If you learn from them and evolve, your storytelling will only improve. I’ll also brainstorm some ideas for the next arc. Let me know if you'd prefer I post my thoughts on Patreon, Discord, or somewhere else. Keep in mind that this critique reflects my personal perspective. What I say is subjective, and other readers might interpret things differently. My feedback is shaped by my preferences, which may not align with your vision or intended audience. It’s up to you to decide which aspects resonate with you and fit your narrative goals. What works for me might not work for you, so take my thoughts with a few grains of salt. I’ve compiled a mix of notes, so let’s dive into the critique. Apologies if I misunderstand certain elements—if, for example, I mention that the Abyss was never referenced when it was. These kinds of misunderstandings can serve as helpful feedback, showing how certain details might not have been as obvious to the reader as intended. Just take note in what I’m taking away from the story and how I’m perceiving it (its helpful to know what readers are focused and not focused on). (2) (i) Worldbuilding The worldbuilding in your story was solid, with room for improvement. Overall, I’d rate it better than average. One aspect I appreciated was the realism in travel times (it reminded me of Game Of Thrones), which added a sense of distance and scale to your world. However, I wish you had mentioned earlier that the world was a Pangaea-like supercontinent. This detail would have provided helpful context upfront. I also felt that the environments lacked diversity. It seemed like most of the world shared similar features, and while you included different animals in specific regions, it wasn’t enough to convey ecological variety. On my first read-through, I mostly pictured bare mountains, with the rest of the landscape consisting of plains, beaches, and a few islands—one of which, the fairy island, was a magical forest. Including more distinct biomes would make the world feel richer and more immersive. The Geographical position of the continent was also a bit simple and boring. If the continent stretched across the equator, we could expect regions on either side to experience different seasons at the same time. Alternatively, if it were located in a single hemisphere, the top of the continent could extend toward a polar region, resulting in colder climates, while the southern end would be warmer, nearing the equator. This would provide more opportunities for environmental contrast and seasonal changes. That said, you did an excellent job conveying the layout of the kingdoms and islands. It was easy to visualize the geopolitical dynamics, with Lyn, Cecily, and James positioned around no-man’s land. The gradual introduction of the world’s elements was also well-handled, avoiding any heavy-handed exposition while maintaining a good pacing. This allowed the world to unfold naturally without overwhelming the reader with too much detail at once. (ii) Characters I suppose I should get to the big thing. Characters. I wont repeat what I’ve already said in previous comments, so all this should be mostly new. Many characters weren’t given meaningful obstacles to overcome, leaving their development underexplored. (ii.1) Lyn Lets focus on Lyn. Lyn, as the protagonist, did face challenges, but most of them revolved around her physical strength. In my opinion, overpowered or godlike characters need challenges that go beyond brute force. Their obstacles should define and develop them, forcing emotional and personal growth. Below is a list of challenge types that would enrich such characters (most of which are going to be going into my future ideas for the next story’s arc): Moral Dilemmas and Sacrifice Loneliness and Emotional Disconnect The Burden of Responsibility Loss of Identity or Purpose Complex, Abstract Problems Self-Imposed Limits or Principles Uncontrollable Forces or Consequences of Power. I’m going to expand a bit on each. (A) A moral dilemma where the character must choose between two equally significant outcomes, such as saving one of two planets on a collision course. In this scenario, power is useless because the challenge revolves around emotional growth and the consequences of their decision (like the trolley problem). (B) Loneliness and emotional disconnect—the character’s immense abilities isolate them, making it hard to relate to others. They may watch loved ones age and die, leaving them emotionally detached and struggling to find meaningful connections. (C) A related challenge is the burden of responsibility, where the character realizes they can’t protect everyone, no matter how powerful they are. They might arrive too late to stop a catastrophe, forcing them to grapple with guilt and the limits of their abilities, highlighting that even godlike beings cannot escape time and personal limitations. (D) The character could also face an identity crisis, questioning their purpose after solving every major conflict in the world. With no more challenges left, they might spiral into existential dread, asking, "Why exist at all?" or "What do I do now?" (E) Similarly, abstract problems like political instability or cultural resistance offer unique obstacles. A society might reject their help, not because they can’t save them, but because interference would disrupt their traditions and create more conflict. This forces the protagonist to learn diplomacy and subtlety—skills they might never have needed before. (F) Another possibility is self-imposed limits where the character follows a strict moral code, such as refusing to take a life, even when doing so would save countless others. The tension comes from their struggle to stay true to their ideals or adapt when those ideals no longer fit the situation. (G) Finally, the character might contend with unintended consequences of their power. Every time they use their abilities, they could destabilize reality, accelerate entropy, or cause natural disasters. This forces them to learn restraint and humility, realizing that power alone is not always the answer. (ii.2) Example Stories of Well-Written Overpowered Characters Some stories with well-executed overpowered (OP) main characters include Returning to No Applause, Only More of the Same by Palt on Royal Road, Dead Tired by Ravensdagger (to an extent), The Sandman by Neil Gaiman, and The Humans by Matt Haig. While none of these are perfect examples, they each offer valuable insights into handling OP protagonists in different ways. These references might serve as inspiration for exploring similar themes in your work. (ii.3) Reflection on Lyn’s Challenges From memory, Lyn’s major and minor challenges, in chronological order, included: defeating the Dragon/Destroyer, returning to Ghomar, pretending to be the Destroyer, convincing the heroes of her true identity, grappling with her identity as both Lyn and the Destroyer, pursuing world domination, building an empire, collecting the hero cores to prevent madness (for herself and others) while minimizing casualties among her friends, gathering the dead hero cores by conquering dungeons, defeating Cory, James, and Cecily, overcoming the Abyss people, and finally, ascending. (Feel free to add anything if I missed a key plot point.) This is a solid list, and I think it’s a major reason why I enjoyed books 1, 2, and most of 3. Many of these challenges genuinely tested Lyn and shaped her character. Crucially, they couldn’t be solved with strength alone—they involved moral dilemmas, struggles with identity, and complex political issues. It was here in these books where I could see your talent shine. I could see you writing complex flawed characters similar to The Boys, Arcane, The Umbrella Acadamy, and Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse (I wish I could provide more literature examples, but I think your character style is quite rare; most authors end up with a minorly flawed protagonist). I found the complex web of dynamics and struggles between all the heros absolutely fascinating, and I could imagine all the heroes acting completely disfunctional and doing their own thing (like in The Umbrella Acadamy). These 3 books showed great potential. But the challenges and character dynamics weren’t fully realized. As I said before, you gave every hero a singular cheap extreme flaw, and there was barely any character growth showen. Lyn’s struggle with her unique challenges and flaws were also blurred, not fully focused on, and I dont think you made the most out of them. And Lyn’s original flaw—her need for recognition and praise—was resolved too easily and faded into the background, especially toward the end of book 3 and throughout book 4. Additionally, not every aspect of Lyn’s character was fully utilized. For a long stretch, she told her people she was manipulating the heroes and wasn’t truly one of them. This could have been a perfect source of tension, forcing Lyn to confront whether she was manipulating her friends without remorse or if they were still her friends despite believing she would betray them. However, this conflict never came to light—her people seemed to forget about it, and the heroes never found out, missing an opportunity for powerful drama. For a story centered on flawed characters, it also stood out that Lyn rarely did anything 'wrong', and most of the moral flaws were placed on the heroes and non-hero antagonists, while other characters were nearly flawless (except perhaps the merchant, in a minor way). But I want to note that I put quotes on ‘wrong’, because Lyn did do a lot that modern society—where Lyn originates—would consider to be unethical and wrong. Just to name a few, she manipulated and used her friends (e.g., taking Lawrence’s core without asking after his death), mind-controlled criminals in her empire, she threatened many people (like threatening to indirectly starve an entire city during the winter), and was hell bent on world domination with an increasing level of narcissism. For the first 3 books, these morally questionable actions worked because the flawed heroes and antagonists acted as foils to Lyn. But as those flawed characters were removed from the narrative, there were fewer opportunities to reflect on or challenge Lyn’s character. This issue became especially noticeable with Lawrence, who was introduced as a voice of reason meant to call out James’s flaws. However, when Lawrence met Lyn, he immediately approved of everything she was doing without questioning her actions—he didnt call out any of Lyn’s flaws. This shift weakened the narrative by removing what could have been a critical examination of Lyn’s character. And instead, all the narrative focus at the end of book 3 and most of book 4 focused on purely just solving power problems without using the logical OP character to solve these problems. Another issue is that Lyn never truly experienced loss—whether social, economic, or on the battlefield. None of her allies died during the events of the story, and she was never forced to confront a personal failure or breaking point. In terms of the Hero’s Journey, she never entered the "abyss"—the stage of metaphorical death and rebirth. While chapter 1 of book 1 literally depicts her death, it lacked the emotional weight of a true breaking point. The shift in tone at the end of book 3 and through most of book 4 leaned heavily toward strength-based challenges. This wasn’t necessarily a mistake, but the execution faltered by not offering any logical solutions outside of brute force. Lyn, a highly intelligent and powerful character, should have been able to eliminate Cecily instantly. However, the narrative avoided this route, and no new kinds of challenges were introduced to test Lyn in ways beyond what she excelled at. (ii.4) Reflection on Books 3 and 4, and Character Dynamics Books 3 and 4 introduced some significant issues, particularly in the way characters and conflicts were handled. Unfortunately, the weakest chapters in the entire series were in Book 4, specifically the ones I talked about in my previous comments. Throughout most of the story, your characters made rational, believable decisions. There was no cheap drama driven by characters acting irrationally—except for Cecily, which I’ll address shortly. However, in the first chapters of Book 4, that consistency fell apart. Suddenly, almost every character (except for a few antagonists) blindly agreed with Lyn without offering any meaningful opposition or alternative perspectives. Even Trisha’s initial concern about Lyn becoming more irritable was briefly mentioned in the opening chapter and then never explored further. Across 30,000+ words, not a single character questioned whether Lyn’s utopia might actually be a dystopia. Aside from Brad, no one seemed to act independently. None of the Earth people—including the knowledge hero with perfect memory of the science textbooks he read in school—never attempted to advance technology beyond drugs and medicine. The battle planning in Book 4 was another missed opportunity. Despite having a literal goddess, the strategy boiled down to a conventional head-to-head army battle. Which that was another missed opportunity. This was a perfect chance to explore the limitations of centralized power. Lyn held all the power (from removing her friend’s hero cores), but she cant do everything at once. Lyn completely removed and prevented anyone from becoming powerful, yet the story never examined the consequences of relying entirely on one person. Going back to the battle planning. Lyn, the dictator and consequentualist, logically should have accepted that innocent people died in war, and it would be acceptable to nuke Cecily to prevent a war against a technologically advanced, entrenched, fanatical people. This is 100% something acceptable to Lyn given she killed mercisly without even checking to see if the people shes killing are innocent or children—she rescued a child who became a pirate to flee an abusive family, but at the same time, killed every single person on every pirate and military boat which, given there was a kid on one, very much likely also had children and innocent people on the other boats (which is hypocritical of Lyn btw). Cory and Cecily’s failure to exploit Lyn’s limitations was another frustrating oversight. Lyn couldn’t be everywhere at once, and she lacked other powerful allies. A more logical strategy would have been guerrilla warfare, forcing Lyn to divide her attention, or casting the kingdom-wide mind control spell multiple times. These missed opportunities weakened the narrative, making it feel as though the characters weren’t acting intelligently within the established rules of the world. (ii.5) Cecily as an Antagonist And Cecily. One of my core creative writing philosophies is that every antagonist should be as well-developed as the protagonist, serving as a foil or contrast to them. While many of your antagonists followed this principle to some extent, Cecily—the main antagonist—fell short. I get it, she was going mad because her ruler hero core was changing her personality into an extreme, and she was an extremely intelligent character, except when it came to Lyn. Cecily made consistently irrational decisions when it came to Lyn. Also, she never once managed to outsmart or defeat Lyn at any point in the story. From the beginning, Cecily ignored Lyn’s growing power, with her inaction being attributed to her tendency to hyperfocus. This felt like a cheap explanation—borderline deus ex machina—to excuse her poor decisions. Given her level of irrationality, it’s hard to believe she could have survived as long as she did, much less be positioned as the story’s primary antagonist. While Cecily was convincingly written as an evil character (which you executed well), she ultimately didn’t feel deserving of the role of main antagonist. It was just, this section of the story became frustrating because neither Lyn nor Cecily acted in ways that felt logically consistent with their intelligence or capabilities. However, things began to improve toward the middle and end of Book 4, and that was mainly because we got a character who actually started to realize that Lyn wasnt really much different from Cecily. This was an excellent narrative twist when Cory, an antagonist, pointed out the similarities between Lyn and Cecily. The idea of an antagonist experiencing more personal growth than the protagonist (this didn’t really happen and was like one sentence, but still)—and explicitly calling out their shared flaws—was brilliant. Unfortunately, this idea was not fully explored or followed through, leaving untapped potential for deeper conflict and character development. (ii.6) Happy time I’ve been ranting for a bit here and I want to compliment you a bit more. You wrote many well developed characters too. Although the flaws for the heroes were cheap, you wrote them very well. You showed great skill in making characters feel creepy (Volio), in making characters feel evil (Cecily and Cory), and making characters feel tragic (Misty, James, Cory, Thomas, and Brad). The portrayal of trauma and coping mechanisms throughout the story was particularly well done. Each character’s struggle felt authentic, and the drama that unfolded between them added layers of complexity to the narrative. The emotional dynamics between the characters felt organic, heightening the tension and making their interactions more meaningful. There are many other things you did well, but it’s often harder to remember and articulate positives in a critique. Negative points tend to stand out more, which is why much of my feedback has focused on areas for improvement. Nonetheless, your strengths as a storyteller are evident, and they shine through in the emotional depth and interpersonal drama you’ve woven into your narrative. (ii.7) Plot time To be honest, I dont have much to say here. It was an interesting choice not following the chekhov's gun philosophys constantly. It kept me constantly guessing with the direction for the plot and drama, and I think I rarely predicted correctly what was going to happen. Some examples of this are when Gael told his boyfriend about Lyn’s secret, or word getting out that Lyn actually used to be a hero, but no one believes it since they cant remember Lyn the Scout Hero. I’ve already told you my thoughts on the challenges for Lyn. I’ve already told you about how Lyn never lost or suffered badly during the story. (iii) Misc Heres a few points in my notes I didn’t cover yet and I dont really feel like finding a good organized place to write them in. Styles been pretty good, there isnt really anything unique about your story telling style, and its pretty direct. What I’m about to suggest might not match the types of stories you prefer writing, but you can do a lot more with style. For example, consider Girl by Jamaica Kincaid (free short story: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/1978/06/26/girl). The piece is written without pauses—each statement flows directly into the next, using only semicolons to create an unrelenting stream of instructions. This narrative structure conveys the overwhelming pressure imposed on the character, immersing the reader in the protagonist’s experience without explicitly stating her frustration. The style itself becomes part of the storytelling, enhancing the emotional impact. Writing is an art form, and you don't need to limit yourself to a straightforward style. Different characters, for example, could have distinct narrative voices that reflect their emotions, personalities, or inner conflicts. Incorporating varied styles could not only express character uniqueness but also add layers to the storytelling, giving readers a deeper connection to the narrative and its themes. I liked the different perspectives and it mostly didn't feel random or too much slice of life or taking away from the focus on Lyn. This also helped with the character dynamics and making it feel like everyone was doing there own thing, like a less experienced version of The Umbrella Academy. You need to work on time skips. You avoided the ‘fade to black’ tactic and decided to go for a fast forward. But in doing so, you lost a good pacing balance, which led to everything feeling less developed relative to the where we were at in the story and how much time had passed. The last chapter of book 3 was probably the worse fast forward because it read exactly like a list of plot points on your notes you made for the story. The end of book 4 also wasnt really the best when it was fast forwarding, though I did like the ending. Dont get me wrong, a fast forward is doable, you just need to work on it. The end of book 3 felt very final conclusion end of book like, so good job there. The characters poking holes in Lyn’s ‘good’ narrative was good, but it needed to happen early on in book 4 and be more focused (you know, instead of it being said a few times offhandedly). Your magic system needs some work. I noticed you were just slapping on the explanation of “it has restrictions which makes this spell doable” for pretty much most explanations (it was very hand-wavy). I also mentioned before that the magic system violates conservation of energy and the 2nd law of thermodynamics. The chanting part of the magic system was alright, I dont really have much to comment about that. Lyn’s mana reserve felt very abstract and it felt like you often just slapped on the “my mana is running low” to artificially increase tension. Lyn is supposed to have extreme mana regin and her mana core is supposed to increase is reservers when she consumes mana cores, which she only consumed hero cores which were the second most potent cores–the first being her own mana core. Yet she didn’t really seem to be able to do the stuff she was doing previously with more frequency and/or for longer times. Plus her raising a better built wall of china within half a day seems like an absolute absurd amount of mana, yet she was never able to heal her self more than like 2-3 times without running out of mana, despite her being able to do crazier and crazier feats of mana capacity. You mentioned in B2 chapter 28 that storage spaces are among the easiest non-mana intensive magics. But in previous chapters it was mentioned that space-time magic was extremely expensive. Is that not what a storage space is? A loop (pocket) in spacetime? Lyn didnt really utilize any science, except for some of the spells she developed before the story even started. Lyn enjoys music yet never once sought it out in the 4 books. The only thing she enjoyed that she sought out frequently was sex. Other races were depicted poorly. They all basically acted like a human with not much culturally and socially different. As I wrote earlier, there might be a need for some perspectives that contrast character flaws. Something that shows that this character isn't fully good. Especially in book 4. Lyn never really industrialized, especially with the time ‘skip’ in chapter 29. She never made a generator and provided electricity for everyone, she never made any kind of mass production or machinery. Everything was supplemented with Lyn keeping multiple spells running for her people. But every time Lyn runs out of mana, that means that every spell she is using for her people will not work. It's a bad inconsistent system and Lyn cannot be the only one providing spells for her people. It's never addressed. (iv) Thats it! I’m most certainly missing things I wanted to talk about, both negative and mostly positive. But this over 4k words and I need to work on other stuff. Something thats helped me a ton in improving my writing skills is looking critically at stories and analyzing what they did exceptionally well on and what they did poorly on. Plus it helps with gaining inspiration. So I’m going to recommend a few books that you might be interested in learning from. If you want to see a character go through personal growth and deals with flaws, read The Midnight Library by Matt Haig, probably The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman, Other People by Neil Gaiman (free short story: https://xpressenglish.com/our-stories/other-people/), and The Paper Menagerie by Ken Liu (free short story: https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5838a24729687f08e0321a15/t/5bf2bdfa562fa782871c6252/1542635003373/The-Paper-Menagerie+by+Ken+Liu.pdf). Nothing really comes to mind with nonhuman characters acting nonhuman. Well, some stuff does, but nothing that is perfect for what I’m trying to show. Maybe The Fox and the Hound by Daniel P. Mannix, and A Book Dragon by Donn Kushner (which is also pretty good depiction of an immortal character). For a work that can expertly play with the readers emotions and inflict the most pain while enthralling the reader, Air Awakens by Elise Kova. I couldnt pick up the last book in the series because I mentally couldnt handle the amount of pain I was experiencing from the story despit how much I wanted, NEEDED, to finish reading the story. And even after its been multiple years since I last touched the series, I still think about how masterful Elise was with her story. For really good use of different perspectives, Release That Witch by Er Mu. The different perspectives nearly brought me to tears a few times. Though, this was the first ever book I enjoyed and it got me interested into reading. For masterful worldbuilding, Metro 2033 by Dmitry Glukhovsky. Dont read any of the other Metro series books, they arent good and Metro 2033 should have been the end of the story (it originally was). Its also got pretty good characters who are flawed (cough-cough Khan=better Cecily cough-cough). The main flaw with Metro 2033 is it gets repetitive towards the end (there is a lot of traveling and a very clear pattern the author sticks too with coming and going to places) If you want to see an inspirational work of art in text form of an absolute INSANE person, On the Heights of Despair by Emil M. Cioran, Ilinca Zarifopol-Johnston. Its a book that meditates on madness and death, the absurdity of existence, and the agony of consciousness. To put it in perspective, it makes Misty's mentality look like sunshine and rainbows.