HornedLizardStudios
patreon
30/03/2019: Regarding my lack of progress
🕑 Added 2019-03-30 23:10:45 +0000 UTCHey everyone,
So yeah, I can't and won't try and hide behind anything; I fucked up and let myself get depressed and anemic and just generally exist along this weird tramline of feeling like I'm constantly busy but never getting anything done. And I wasn't, it's true, nothing at all like what I had hoped I could have achieved by now has been done and it's frankly something I should be, and am, ashamed of.
I'm sure you all know the circumstances around this last year, and 2018 for multiple reasons was one of the best/worst years of my life, and in the end over this winter period as I thought I was moving past the worst of it, this inertia hit me trying to do an animation and I just couldn't un-blinker from it. It all blurs together at this point despite the lack of time passed, but the short of it is I let myself come undone, let the weight of a lot of personal shit collapse onto me and pretty much clean me out.
I say all of this because you guys deserve context to this, and you deserve to know it was my insistence that I could beat this on my own, carry the game on and work through this shit at the same time, that led me to this point of people voicing genuine concerns and complaints to me about something they invested their money into and me having no awnser but, I fucked up guys. Reaally fucked up bad.
All I can say is that, this has genuinely worried me. I've lost income, I've lost trust, I've lost the support of people who were really hoping I'd be able to deliver on stuff and I just wasn't up to the task at the time. So some weeks ago, after a bout of flu actually, I reached the point of saying enough was enough and started doing some IRL stuff, exercising and actually getting enough muscle that my joints don't dislocate all the time, etc. etc. And have been really trying to just, fuckin' do something about my situation rather than literally waste away in a chair wondering why shit isn't changing.
Anyway I'm glad to say the changes are working out for the better; living healthier, actually enjoying exercise for the first time in my life, really trying to jam life back into gear type stuff, and my work output has increased substantially! I know, I would say that, I'm trying to convince you to stick around, but it's true as well as convenient; I put this newest version up because I was excited about all the new stuff I'd added since I started all this health crap, but of course what it also did was show the reality of what I had grown to expect of myself versus what the world expects of me, what you guys expect of me. Again, I fucked up.
So I understand if you'd like to withdraw your funding until such a time as you think I deserve it again; to anyone who has tier rewards at any level they will be honored whatever the circumstance, I don't plan on revoking what little attempt at a thank you I can give. If you do want to stay while I try and make another go of this shit I'd really appreciate it, but I can see what this looks like from the outside and I couldn't blame anyone for having had enough at this point.
I realize this is probably not a wise decision, mentioning revocation of support (I'm thinking BF:V) but... the best way I can explain this is, I watch a lot of youtube during my work as background noise while I animate, like Game Grumps or whatever, but I also watch gaming news channels; they usually have a section devoted to something like Mighty No. 9 (another dangerous thing to mention) where indie devs just screw the whole thing up for arrogance or sleaziness or other such things. At the end of the day maybe I've screwed the game up enough that this will make it financially unviable but, at the end of the day I needed to address this and I'd rather go out being able to say I was honest with everyone about my failures, and what I intended to do about them regardless of how this all pans out.
I should say just for clarification, I will carry on making this game and trying to make this game as long as I have a computer to make it; before things span out drastically last year for me this was my passion project that was suddenly a job, and I was on top of the world and working to the best of my abilities for a short period there; never know when tragedy's going to strike I guess. But I'm putting in the work to get better, to be better in general.
Time will tell, but what ever happens next you all mean the world to me and I will prove to you I can get this done. Or rather We can get this done, I'm finished with my old ways of thinking, and I know the friends I've made along the way through this are the ones that are going to ensure I carry on and stay motivated. All of your love to me has kept me going at a time where I was hanging by a thread, and I will either win out or be laughed from the fandom!
---
Whew, sorry for the word vomit everyone; I think I got my point across, or I hope I did anyway, only thing now is to get back to work.
I've got some more news but I'm going to wait for another post, give this one time to be seen and such; I don't want to conflate this with regular sorts of news, think this is a bit more of a special post.
Hope to see you around again, what ever happens you have done more for me than I can express in words, and I can't thank you enough.
-S
Comments
This_One
Nothing profound from me, but I'd just like to say you're doing fine. What you have so far is wonderful, and I'm eagerly looking forward to more. If I have to wait a little longer, I don't mind, and I'm certain most of your supporters agree. I hope you recover from this roadblock soon.
I think it's brave to write about all the stuff that happened in your life. I'm also just a lowtier backer. In my opinion you deserve the support now more than ever. It is common sense for lousy excuses to be thrown around on this very platform. But you seem to be honest and on your project I personally don't feel scammed. It's nice to read about your personal life getting better and that you started to do something good for your health and yourself.
Netharius
i got you bro. i struggle with anxiety, depression, A.D.D, OCPD, severe panic attacks and i got a good few physical issues as well so i know the struggle people with these things have to go through. it makes it hard to focus on any one thing without the stress destroying you, just make sure you surround yourself with good peeps and keep in contact with those who give a shit, it really does help. anything to calm you mind is good so long as it doesn't hurt you in other ways, painting warhammer models always helps me be calm and focused, so maybe something like that might help you. anyway ride the motivation while you can and know you aint alone in this mess we call life :)
I can only really spare a dollar a month cuz I'm tight on bills, but I really hope all this helps. Please keep going with the game, but most importantly, with your life. I hope you feel better. :) -MB, "Emby"
I am still gonna support you but i still havent had a chance to play the game or get a link to it all the links that i have seen are broken or file is currupted so if you be so kind to send me a link to the game that works i would like that very much..
I'm increasing my support! Get better soon! I'm sure I'm not the only one to say we are all rooting for ya!
Andreas Klärner
Lets be honest, thinking of it as win/loss ratio even with delays its still well in the plus i would say so, just take care of yourself and get back on track :)
Posessed Word Bearer
Damn, you got my heart and soul now <3 such keen and precise mind, sharpness of words and understanding. you can make a list of what kind o persons with what skills you need,and i willl try to find them myself for you (luckily im an indie dev, with all sorts of experiences and stories, got many people)
Fuck 2018, it was a shitty year for everyone. Don't bother you with delay and accomplishment, we support you to give you time and opportunity to achieve this goal, without the industrial pressure! Stay strong!
Hey man, at least you have taken the time to tell us what has been going on, instead of simply giving up and taking all the money like devs have done before. So for that you have my respect. Sadly tho i will be removing my funding for this game for a few weeks, not because of the lack of progress but because I'm having financial problems as of writing this. Once iv sorted them out i will be right back to funding this game.
to be fair, as someone who has watched games here on Patreon rise and fall, succeed and then crash n' burn, you havent much to worry about, working with small teams of any kind on an ambitious goal is never easy, physical and mental health are key to this and i (as well as many other supporters) would be more than willing to wait for long periods of time for a proper product than something you felt rushed to do Dont take this the wrong way, i am not judging nor am i ever in a place to criticize another for their work/life habits, but just do what you can, take a break when you need it, working hard on a singular goal will fry both your creative outlook on said goal and will negatively affect your own thoughts toward your own skill, you have done a great job with this game, its going slow but that just shows an eye for detail, will there be bugs out the ass? yup! does this mean you arent living up to standards? nope... i mean hell look at Bethesda, a team several times larger makes a train wreck with more time and money, so go easy on yourself, you arent failing anyone and we your fans will stand by and wait for as long as neccessary
Horned Lizard Studio
Not at all no, it was you calling me out on my poor performance and holding me to a standard I hadn't been holding myself to that made me decide to just fess up, before it spiralled out into a horror show of indie dev destruction; you're right, people will view this as unstable and that is something I need to sort out through work and results; in fact a dear friend of mine is offering his help with just that sort of thing, helping me organize and work better and such, and a road map is first on the agenda. You've got the balls to tell people what they need to hear and you evidently do it from a position of caring, and far as I'm concerned you've helped me immeasurably already :)
Horned Lizard Studio
I appreciate it beyond words TDC, wherever you are in relation to a light source I will find you and give you a cuddle of appreciation ^^ ...think that metaphor works?
Posessed Word Bearer
i feel so guilty but i will just say - Its like indie game with a loyal community,and that feel when developers are being halfly disbanded or moving to other projects(abandoned by dev). It always hits like a truck, realising that it might be just it,without all precious dreams you had about its future. ---- long story short. nobody got any idea of what is going to happen next year, even tho they value you as a person, regarding project situation is unstable, im not sure how patreon will react to this. Mabe some kind of a roadmap or checklist will make things better.
thedamncat
Hey, one of many lurkers here. Just wanna say that your health, both physical AND mental are top priority. Do what you got to do to keep yourself going strong. As long as you keep doing your best that's all anyone can really ask for. This cat's behind you always, even if from the shadows. TDC =^.^=
