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Writer's Blog: Why Things Get Written The Way That They Get Written
🕑 Added 2021-05-21 21:45:34 +0000 UTCCoded Demo Length: 294k
Average Playthrough: 71k
Next Demo Update: May 28th (Chapter 10, beginning the closed demo)
With one week until the closed demo update, I've been finalizing and editing Chapter 10's scenes (as well as writing the smaller interval scenes). Among the parts still being tweaked is the scene that I posted about yesterday, which begins Chapter 10. I settled upon a semi-finalized version this morning, and in this post will be going over what changed and why. Hopefully, it'll give a little insight into why I'm always rewriting things!
(This post contains minor spoilers for Chapters 9 and 10, so you may want to hold off reading if you haven't yet read the latest demo or want to go into Chapter 10 completely blind.)
In earlier versions of Chapter 10's intro scene, I struggled to balance exposition with maintaining dramatic tension. Button just received an ominous letter! Cue the musical dun-dun-dunnnns! And yet . . . Button's reaction to this letter, and the first discussion about it with the rest of Operation Hemera's team isn't really important to story. In fact, it risks being tedious since it would only rehash information which readers already know (the invite is pretty succinct about who/what/where). It's not a good opportunity for flirty bits either, because learning about the invitation requires immediate preparation.
Thus, there's a time skip to tomorrow morning. This gives readers a chance to learn what Button will be doing at during the day at Aeon, how Rosy prepares them and K for the mission, and also makes sure that you didn't skip over the important bits: the location and Reese's last name.
After a million and two (well, sixteen) versions, this is the current draft to Chapter 10's intro scene:
Despite its serene street name of East Placid Court, the location specified by the invitation turns out to be an alleyway behind a Taco Bell. ${Kim}’s surveillance drone reveals two overflowing garbage carts and an aggressive family of rats, but no terrorists.
Right away, it's obvious that there's been a jump in narrative. Rosy knows about the invite and has done reconnaissance on it's information. What this opening paragraph doesn't specify, however, is Button's current location. So that needs to get revealed next:
Glitch seems unsurprised as ${Kim} discloses ${khis} findings on the holomap at Sublevel HQ’s central table.
(Sidebar: if anyone can think of a catchier way to specify that they're at Unity's sublevels like last time, suggestions would be appreciated!) It's now clear that Glitch and Rosy are in the room with Button, but not how much time has passed. So that also needs to be addressed:
“Even Vengeance isn’t stupid enough to advertise its location to untested newcomers,” Glitch says. “Most likely, a contact will escort ${Name} and ${Kent} to the real meeting place.” $!{The} lowers ${this} voice to a throaty growl. “‘Put on this blindfold and get into the car if you want to live.’” $!{The} chuckles, tone returning to normal. “You know, all the standard intimidation tactics."
*if (Glitchromance)
Despite ${this} easygoing jokes, Glitch hasn’t let go of your hand all morning.
*elseif (Glitchbreakup)
Despite ${this} jokes, Glitch hasn’t met your gaze all morning, obviously still upset about your decision to end things.
*else
Despite ${this} jokes, Glitch has been fidgeting with nervous energy all morning.
I used an edited version of Glitch's reactivity from my first draft, but I instead chose to focus on new information (location). Reese's last name will be addressed further into the conversation in a more subtle, less remember-this-detail-or-else way. Most importantly, however, readers now know that it's the morning after Button and K's dinner (the specific time is clarified more in a bit, but this is enough so that the progression doesn't feel disorienting due to lack of detail).
At this point, the scene is around 150 words. Which means it's time for an interjection by Button! I'm not including that part here, but it gives Button a chance to vocalize their feelings about the invitation (or sigh morbidly). There's various flavor dialogue following Button's reaction and how well (or badly) they did at staying in character last night, and then the text reunifies to let readers know that K is also at HQ and that it's 8am . . .
“Parker and I will follow behind in one of Unity’s surveillance vans,” ${Kim} assures you. “We won’t let you and ${Kent} out of our sight.”
“No need,” Glitch gives a performative yawn (${the}’s spent the entire morning passive aggressively protesting ${Kim}’s mandate that you, ${the}, and ${Kent} meet an entire hour before class begins).
“Relying on tracking signals alone is too risky,” ${Kim} says. “If something scrambles the signal from their shoe monitors—”
“[i]Fancy-dancy inserts,[/i]” Glitch corrects. “Also, not what I meant. I know where Vengeance will take ${Kent} and ${Name}.”
${Kim}’s brows snap together. “Elaborate.”
. . . before once again branching off into completely different scenes depending on your past choices:
*if (photo)
*goto paintedmap
*elseif ((photo = false) and (schoolroute = "3"))
*goto policemap
*elseif (Desperado = true)
*goto cvsmap
*else
*goto nomap
Now that I've established where, when, who, and what, I can finally focus on progressing the conversation and having everyone speculate on Reese's identity! The fun parts.
The reason that I'm sharing this post is because I realize that, well, I complain about the "in between" sections of Mind Blind quite a lot! But this is why. The middle and end of scenes, or heavy-drama snippets that I've imagined in my head for months, usually fly onto the page as fast as my fingers can type. But establishing setting is hard, especially when the additional requirements of IF are factored in (X amount of words until a choice). For these smaller sections, it takes a lot of rewrites for me to find something that reads smoothly.
In future works, I may consider using the cheat of having Location and Time right-aligned and bolded at the top of the page 😅
Comments
San
Mental monologue on the setting comparing it to some 1940s underground fallout shelter or contemplating how long it took to put down conduit to get to to the sub level. Not sure if any of that is useful.
Stephanie Beth
Could a tiny segue scene be used where Button or K have a shoe monitor malfunction (something funny maybe or just annoying everyone) right before the Holo scene (ugh not fossil-land Holocene, there's a pun there somewhere Rosy). Maybe something to kind of smooth into the fact they are back in the depths of Unity?
I second this. In my opinion something like what Samantha said above can help preserve the emotional impact. Because if you look at Mind Blind's timeline objectively, a lot has happened in just a week or two! But setting the scene right off the bat with something akin to "Miles below Unity, 10 hours after receiving the invitation" can impress upon the reader that to Button, this probably feels like the longest week of their life. Or the shortest, depending on reader interpretation.
Samantha Murphy
You could always leave it vague, or even base it on the bombing, like "Hospital Room, Two Hours Post-Bombing" or something.
Jo O'Connor
I definitely see why a lot of authors do this! I only decided against it for Mind Blind because of the hospital scene tbh. I wanted the emotional impact of selecting the option without having to break pre-established format by leaving out the time.
Samantha Murphy
The author of Wayhaven has the location and time bolded at the beginning of each scene, and it seems to work well with the story.
