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The Great Rewritening: Chapter One Feedback
🕑 Added 2022-02-02 01:34:47 +0000 UTCHappy February, everyone! I spent all of today writing down every single new variable that will be integrated into Mind Blind 2.0, most significantly charting the relationship system overall. I'm pleased (and somewhat intimidated) to announce that this currently amounts to 72 variables that will track Button's relationships, attitudes, and personalities.
There will be additional variables to remember player choice, of course. But these 72 stats, both visible and hidden, will determine the bulk of flavor text and largely decide which end routes become available to Button in the final chapters.
As I edit and recode the first chapter, I'd like to ask that you share your big-picture feedback and suggestions. My second rewrite will be dedicated to eradicating typos and polishing style, but for now I want to focus on the actual things that need to be changed/improved.
I'm only looking for Chapter 1 feedback right now, so that suggestions for future chapters don't get buried. After each rewritten chapter is updated, I'll post a new feedback request for the next chapter.
There are 3 ways to provide feedback:
1) Leave a comment on this post,
2) Use the Great Rewritening Feedback channel via the Sanctum of Spoilers,
or
3) Send an email to mindblindbetatest@gmail.com.
If you can spare the minute, I'd deeply appreciate critical feedback. Interactive fiction is unique in that it relies on reader choice to help guide the narrative, so your perspectives are essential in order to transform Mind Blind into a truly satisfying experience.
Comments
celestialdreams
I agree with both Allison and Frogs_I_suppose about the finger guns options or even the 'shoot myself' writing. I understand the latter reprsents a depressed button, but none of the options provide any of the combination type stats mentioned later on in the story (e.g., humor/depressed)
Allison
I also wish that there was a more resigned? I guess? option for Buttons who are more on the depressed/angsty/resentful side of things. Something about "faking it until you make it" or trying to "boost confidence even though knowing you, things will find a way to go wrong." I like to play my Button as guilty/resentful but trying to work on moving forward with a more optimistic outlook, and none of the three finger gun options really represent that to me. It's not a huge thing, but I've craved a more "middle ground" finger gun approach that wasn't either so upbeat or so depressed
Frogs_I_suppose
Just reread chapter one and I thought it was great! The only thing I could think of was something I think you said you already planned on doing, which is change how Shard reacts to seeing Button. His attitude doesn't really seem to go with who it's revealed to be, or maybe I just read the character wrong, haha, either way, it's great though!
Frogs_I_suppose
The part where we wake up and pass by the mirror and do the finger guns always made me feel a bit restrictive since there's only one option for depressed MC, but that option also was a bit triggering bc my father committed suicide that way. The other options later in the game didn't cause triggers or anything and felt really accurate! Anywho, this was just the first thing that popped into my head. Thank you for asking us about this! 💕
Yali
When Button leaves home and Nick reminds them about meeting their dad maybe there could be an option to (once again) get mad at him for using telepathy? I never pegged this place as needing extra options before but after re-reading the chapter more closely it occurred to me that whenever Nick uses his telepathy there’s an option to get angry at him for it. Because my potential unhinged Button would jump at the opportunity to shout at Nick one more time lol.
Jo O'Connor
Great suggestion! I'll definitely rework some of the reply options and add in something a little flirty to foreshadow Button having a potential crush.
pinkie♡lemonade
When texting Sally while Button is on the Metro, it would be nice "for flavor" to have the option to (1) flirt with her --- eg. "You always look great in everything" --- and (2) just lament/be sweet with her in a platonic way --- "Yeah, the shoes could afford to be more comfortable too". Almost all of the current options read as a bit fed up to me (but I'm bad at reading a differentiating line between friendly teasing/sarcasm and any percentage of hostility), so I would like some options that are a bit more overtly on her side/couldn't be read as sarcastic or fed-up. I try to be careful with my tone over text though, due to a fear of someone misreading my tone --- so perhaps an elemenr of my reading the potential text options as hostile has to do with the fact that grammar has tone in a large portion of texting language nowadays? Like, we go from academic/literature grammar rules and into texting without code-switching the grammar --- eg. How a period being seen as "angry"--- There's a segment on it discussed in an Adam Conover's "Adam Ruins Everything" series, the episode where Anne Curzan is a guest-star, they have an after-show talk where he gets to ask his experts guests more questions about their field. You can listen to, I think, the whole thing on his podcast or you can find a segment of their discussion on youtube where they talk about going "grammando". I think that's why I read everything there as having differing degrees of hostility, perhaps? I don't want to ask you to break your grammatical flow though, so just some more overtly nicer options to text Sally would be nice, and a chance to flirt with her would be cute if possible That was literally my only nitpick with Chapter One though, so nice job!! I loved the rest of it <3
Jo O'Connor
On the current first chapter! Things I should change *for* the rewrite that I'm currently doing.
Mich
To be clear, are you asking for feedback on the rewrite (has it already been rewritten?!) or on the writing currently?
