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Writer's Blog: Feedback Request for Noh's Person (Grammatical Not Physical)
🕑 Added 2021-07-17 00:32:22 +0000 UTCDemo Length: 348k! I'm almost done writing the first draft of this chapter.
Those of you who decided to take the metro in Chapter 1 may have encountered an individual of dubious and overly dramatic nature (aka Noh). If you haven’t played through the metro route, I would recommend doing so now, because otherwise this post won’t make much sense and will contain lots of confusing spoilers.
Noh’s perspective is written in second person, similar to the way that Mind Blind is written overall:
Your eyes widen beneath your mask. Its lacquered wood gleams obsidian under the flickering light of the tunnel’s lone bulb. Carved similarly to a Noh mask, its expression shifts with eerie fluidity between exuberance and rage. You were quite pleased with the unnerving visage when you gazed into the mirror earlier this morning.
Yet realizing their identity feels infinitely more satisfying than concealing your own.
So, this is the Wiseman child. The younger, broken one.
When I decided to add in Noh’s perspective, I kept using “you” for several reasons. The first is that players get to make a decision as Noh, choosing whether Button hums, sings, or sneezes. I felt like keeping the same format flowed smoothest, and also semi-poetically blurring the line between who “you” really is in the story (since Noh is controlling Button’s brain at the time). The other reason for second person was more pragmatic: I wanted to hide Noh’s gender.
However, I recently decided to add another break away scene to Noh’s perspective at the end of Chapter 12 (I’m working on this now). Second person no longer seems to work as well, but I still want to keep Noh’s gender on the down low. I could use “they,” but that feels like an obvious cheap trick meant to hide things from the readers (“you” works functionally the same, but doesn’t feel as deliberately deceptive even if it totally is). Currently, I have two versions of this scene: the first with a second person voice similar to the subway route scene that triggers if you already encountered Noh’s perspective, and a vaguer third person version for walkers and dog protectors that simply refers to Noh as “The Ment" (implying their the one behind the bombing).
I’m not sure which voice works better, and also wanted to check in that you guys didn’t find Noh’s 2nd person jarring in the first place (it’s meant to be creepy and blur the line between who’s controlling whom, but not be confusing). Thus, I’m requesting feedback, because I’ve been contemplating this issue all day and haven’t come close to arriving at a clear cut conclusion. I like second person, but only if it’s continued from Chapter 1’s perspective. Otherwise, I think third person works better. Which is why there’s currently two versions of Noh’s new scene.
Unlike earlier chapters, this time you don’t get the chance to make decisions for Noh—which was, again, one of my primary reasons for using “you” in the first place. Although the voice change may seem like a relatively small issue, Noh plays a huge role in the story. Your feedback would really help me make sure that Noh comes across naturally, as would any input on whether to use 2nd(“you”) or 3rd (he/she/they) voice for their scenes.
(On a side note, wow but I really leaned into the whole 'mwahaha' factor for them back in Chapter 1.)
Below, I’ve included two versions of the same Chapter 12 scene (heavily redacted to avoid most spoilers, but there are still some minor revelations).
This is scene that you’ll get in Chapter 12 if you took the metro to Aeon:
The fallout from the bombing had, with one major caveat, gone precisely as you'd intended:
Unity was aimed at Vengeance’s throat.
You had possession of the truth, held it now in your very hands.
All you had to do was wait. Wait for Unity to lower its guard once more, and then you could leak the documents to the press. So long as you were patient, there was no chance of Unity realizing your identity.
You were good at waiting.
This is the version you’ll get if you didn’t take the subway in Chapter 1:
The fallout from the bombing had, with one major caveat, gone precisely as intended:
Unity was aimed at Vengeance’s throat.
The Ment had possession of the truth, held it now in gloved hands.
All that remained was to wait. Wait for Unity to lower its guard once more, and then leak the documents to the press. With patience, there was no chance of Unity realizing the bomber’s true identity.
The Ment was good at waiting.
Although this may seem like a subtle difference, the decision in which voice will impact a pretty sizeable scene. Your input on how you'd prefer non-Button perspectives to be added would be helpful (now only Noh is planned, but I may add brief moments from the ROs' perspectives in a later chapter).
Also, part of me just wonders if "The Ment" comes across as relentlessly corny. Not that I object to corny in my writing, but it's more reserved for Button than for Noh. Opinions would be greatly appreciated!
Comments
San
I too shall ride the 2nd person train but also for the non metro goers going with the 2nd person could be the creepy and discombobulating. In my mind it plays into the whole walk through button’s mind and whose to say that a link would still be there. It’s like the show floor items many hands try them out. Some just pick it up and others try to run a whole examination.
I agree with most of the other commenters. I think 2nd person is better because it feels more natural. I also like the meta narrative that it encourages--the reader it kinda like a ment themself who is peering into the thoughts of other characters (even if it's mostly Button)
Mich
I actually like the 2nd person!
Cas
I think they both work perfectly well! But 2nd person does add that extra layer of ominousness and is certainly not out of place in the POV structure the game already has.
Bluebell09
2nd person works better in my opinion, although I see why it would get confusing for people that haven't chosen the subway route. Maybe just a header saying this is Noh's perspective would help people notice the change of character?
Maybe I’m just dense, but I feel like I get so immersed with Button that the jump to Noh in second person threw me off for a paragraph or two and pulled me out of the story.
Skippy Hugo
A huge part of why I like the story is because the way it is written is organic. It allows the reader to really understand the feelings of the narrator (which for most of it is Button). In those moments when it isn’t, putting the second person PoV is definitely the best course of action. On a side note, I'm genuinely troubled by what file [REDACTED] has their paws on.
Katie Williams
Very much agree with everyone else here - second person all the way. As someone who doesn't really play the subway route I genuinely don't find it confusing at all and the blur between who's in control and creepy personalness of it really does work wonderfully. All of that is kinda lost in the third person even though it's the same inner monologue.
Naia
I agree with everyone that second person flows the best. I'm not sure if I can quite explain what I don't like about the use of third person. I think it's because we don't really get to hear Noh's voice. I feel like there's a significant difference in the last lines "you were good at waiting" and "the ment was good at waiting." One gives an insight into how Noh thinks of themself and the other reads more like a fact. I know you'd prefer not to use it but personally I feel like it would flow better with "they" instead of "the ment."
Samantha
I like the second person perspective. I didn't find it confusing, and IMO it adds an interesting (and thematically appropriate?) sense of invasiveness (or intimacy?) between the reader and Noh. Also, I adore how villainous and creepy Noh is in their first appearance! As a card-carrying villain fan who's psyched for their route, I love what we've seen of them so far and am excited to see more in Chapter 12.
zennano
Gonna agree with everyone else. 2nd person just flows better, imho. But as someone here already said, matbe use 3rd person for those who didn’t take the metro route if that’s possible?
I agree with everyone else here. Second person 'you' feels like an intense yet smooth tonal shift, which is great when you're talking about Noh.
