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Writer's Blog: False Starts (And Chapter 15 Sneak Preview)
🕑 Added 2021-11-24 02:16:25 +0000 UTCIn Mind Blind, I often end up writing scenes a few times, especially chapter opening scenes. It usually takes me a few attempts to figure out how to concisely communicate the information that leads from to the last scene's end to the new scene's beginning.
I just rewrote the beginning of Chapter 15, and thought it made a really good example for how my rewriting process usually goes. The new version isn't dramatically different, but there are some significant changes which bring momentum to the entire rest of the chapter.
(Warning: Spoilers ahead!)
* * * *
The First Draft (Version: Button blew their cover and is romancing Glitch)
The next morning starts at 5am.
As unnerving as it felt to awaken to all of Operation Hemera deep in discussion at the holoconsole next to your temporary cot, you’ve even more taken aback by ${Glitch}’s appearance. Dark circles emphasize the redness of ${this} eyes, and ${this} deep brown skin looks dull.
Most concerning of all is ${this} twitching. $!{This} hands move in quick, jerky movements as ${the} gestures to the central holoconsole, and even ${this} lips quivered against your cheek when ${the} kissed you hello.
“I have last two weeks of traffic footage taken from Jefferson Park.” ${Glitch} blinks, hard, as if staring at the illuminated map hurts ${this} eyes. “I managed to ‘borrow’ some of Chicago PD’s POD footage as well.”
“POD?” Sally asks, stifling a yawn.
“Police Observational Devices,” ${Glitch} elaborates. “Traffic cams only cover major intersections, but the police sometimes set up cameras on slower-action roads and the flatwoods—to catch drug deals, that sort of thing. Those are the roads Vengeance would need to stay on to keep a low profile.”
Option: Concerned, I lay a hand on ${Glitch}’s shoulder. “Have you been combing over traffic footage all night?”
“Personally? No.” ${Glitch} spares you a tired smile. “I tweaked one of Unity’s AI algorithms to check for ambulances.”
“Parker and I went through the AI’s results.” Despite having likely received as little sleep as ${Glitch}, ${Kim} looks no different than any other day other than some extra baggage under {$khis} eyes.
${Glitch} shrugs, taking a large swig from a neon green can labeled XXXL. “It’s not my fault that ice cream trucks and ambulances look so much alike.”
* * * *
There were a couple problems with this scene. First, the bulk of Chapter 15 happens at a different location. Starting at Aeon serves no purpose, and only means that I had to include how the characters got from Point A to Point B. Having it start at Aeon also required versions based on whether Button was coming from home or was already at Aeon.
Another problem is that interactive fiction, more than almost any other genre, needs to be selective when setting the scene, using description to highlight character personality. By virtue of being interactive, you only really write a page or two before the main character should pick a choice or chime in, even if that choice isn't necessary and can interrupt the flow of setting things up--exposition is a necessary evil, but the nature of IF makes it difficult to include. So you need to make the descriptions count.
* * * *
Here's the current new (still WIP) version:
Other than your bed, there are few locations where you’d choose to be at 4:55 in the morning.
Inside an MIV surveillance van disguised as House It Going? Realtors doesn’t make that limited list.
As unnerving as it was to be woken up by ${Kim}’s curt call of “Outside. Now.”, you were even more taken aback by ${Glitch}’s haggard appearance as you joined ${thim} in the van’s back. Most concerning of all has been ${this} twitching. $!{This} fingers tap quickly, jerkily, over the keyboard of ${this} laptop; even ${this} lips quivered against your cheek when ${the} absentmindedly kissed you hello.
“This is the right place—I went through two weeks of traffic footage taken from Jefferson Park.” ${Glitch} blinks, hard, as if staring at the laptop screen hurts ${this} eyes. “I managed to ‘borrow’ some of Chicago PD’s POD footage as well.”
“POD?” Sally asks as ${Kent} stifles a yawn.
With ${Kim} driving, the only member of Operation Hemera who’s missing is Gray, who’s currently briefing the rest of UCRT on the situation. Not that you know Nick’s exact location yet, but ${Glitch} claims that you’ll find answers at the van’s final destination.
“Police Observational Devices,” ${the} elaborates in response to Sally’s question. “Traffic cams only cover major intersections, but the police sometimes set up cameras on slower-action roads and near the flatwoods—to catch drug deals, that sort of thing. Those are the roads Vengeance needed to stay on to keep a low profile.”
Option: “Have you been combing over traffic footage all night?”
“Personally? No.” ${Glitch} spares you a tired smile. “I tweaked one of Unity’s AI algorithms to scan the video for ambulances and checked its results against all local emergency calls. It was pretty ingenious if I do say so myself.”
There’s a faint yet derisive snort through the curtain that separates the back of the van from the driver’s seat.
${Glitch} shrugs, taking a long swig from an alarmingly neon can. “Rosy helped me go over the AI’s findings.” $!{The} raises ${this} voice and calls to the front, “!t’s not my fault that ice cream trucks and ambulances look so much alike!”
* * * *
As you can see, the exact same information gets shared. But I personally feel that the second scene better highlights the character personalities (especially Rosy), while also adding a sense of urgency: Button and crew are already on their way somewhere, but the reader must keep reading to discover where.
Starting chapters with that unanswered question makes the whole scene more interesting, and also leads more naturally into the next portion (where they're at the place).
Anyway. I always wished that writers would be more forthcoming with their rewriting process! I sometimes get the impression that other authors just magically know how to write well, but the truth is that writing involves a lot of experimentation and failing until you figure out what works :)
Comments
S
Thank you! Much appreciated.
Jo O'Connor
Ah thanks and that's phenomenal that you've started an IF! Good luck and feel free to dm me with any questions.
S
This is so great to read. Mind Blind actually inspired me to try my hand at writing an IF story. It's still in very early stages but I am trying, lol! Anyway, I appreciate getting a peak into your process. Helps a lot. And thanks for the inspiration-you have a wonderful way with words and I hope you know just how deeply they impact us readers. So much so that they just might end up taking the leap themselves, like I am. Thank you. Truly.
