bardictype
patreon
MB Short Story: Trauma Olympics (Round 1)
🕑 Added 2023-07-01 00:24:56 +0000 UTCRound 1: Family History
Glitch: Dead Dad card!
Kent: . . .
Glitch, pointing to Kent: Dead Mom card!
Kent winces.
Grayson: What is this?
Jo: An argument y’all keep having inside my head, so it’s getting written down. My sincerest apologies to the audience.
Grayson: Inside your head? Excuse me?
Jo: Roll with it.
Sally: In that case, double jeopardy! Orphan card!
Ambrose: . . . Ah, I have that card as well.
Shard: Shut up about your past, Kim. No one cares.
Glitch, to Sally: You were raised by two doting parents, plus your bio folks could still be alive. Disqualified.
Sally: But! Consider the deep-rooted abandonment issues.
Nick: Except you don’t really have those?
Sally: Shut up. My issues are robust and plentiful.
Nick: Not arguing with that, but your issues have nothing to do with being adopted.
Sally: Are you accusing me of being well-adjusted? How dare you.
Grayson: I’m certain that Nick only meant that your family is enviably close.
Nick: Enviably? Oh, right. Gray has the “Shitty Father” card.
Glitch: Yeah, well, Kenzie has that card, too!
Kent's wince deepens.
Grayson: Pain isn’t a competition.
Sally: Except this is literally a Painful Past competition.
Glitch: In which case, Sir Black here is immediately disqualified.
Glitch makes a shooing motion towards Gray.
Glitch: Go on, get! Back to your ivory tower, princeling.
Grayson, dryly: You’ve never been to England, have you.
Glitch: I’m deathly allergic to unseasoned food.
Nick: So, only people with dead parents are allowed troubled childhoods? That seems reductive.
Sally: True, I still have the “Tragic Prophet” trope to lean on, don’t I? Okay, I’m dropping the Orphan Card. My real parents are alive.
Nick: That’s what I said earlier, but you got mad at me!
Sally: Because you said that I had issues!
Nick: I was agreeing with you!
Ambrose: This is ridiculous.
Shard: You’re ridiculous.
Glitch: Also, this round is only about our family circumstances. At least your family histories don’t necessitate monthly hospital check-ins. Thanks for the bum brain, Daddio!
Kent: Your brain isn’t bum.
Glitch smirks, façade of bitterness falling away now that he’s achieved his goal of being complimented.
Glitch: Because I’m a genius, right?
Kent (solemnly, fully aware that he’s being manipulated): Right.
Grayson: Still, I don’t think that our pasts are something we should be competing over.
Ambrose: Agreed.
Glitch: You two only say that because Gray has led a charmed life, and Rosy doesn’t want to talk about his sister.
Ambrose: Parker. That’s enough.
Shard: Parker isn’t wrong, however.
For a long moment, no one dares to speak. The air is fraught with tension until . . .
Nick: Then I declare myself the winner!
Sally: Declaration rejected.
Glitch: You grew up rich with two parents who loved you and an adorable, still-alive little sibling. That’s not even enough to place bronze.
Nick: Two words: Vengeance Button.
Sally: Oof.
Kent: . . .
Glitch: I concede their existance to be a semi-valid argument.
Sally: Then do I get points as well? Since Button is my best friend.
Glitch: Maybe half a point? This round is supposed to be about our families.
Sally: Button is as much my family as my dads.
Ambrose: I’m leaving.
Shard: Coward.
Jo: No one’s leaves until I announce the winner.
Ambrose: Then announce it already.
Glitch: *drumroll noises*
Sally: Ignore the author; she’s pretending to be in control again. This is a democracy.
Nick: Should we put it to a vote, then?
Grayson: Is this really something we should be voting on?
Sally: Yes.
Nick: Yes.
Glitch: Hell yes.
Ambrose: No.
Kent: . . .
Grayson: It feels in bad taste.
Ambrose: It is in bad taste.
Nick: Well, we can stop talking about it if we vote.
Sally: I vote for Button, then.
Shard scoffs.
Nick: I vote for Gray.
Glitch: Why the hell would you vote for Ritchie-Rich?
Nick: I wanted him to feel included.
Grayson: Thank you, but I’m perfectly content to not be in the running.
Glitch: The only thing bad ever to happen to Little Lord Fauntleroy was the death of his first pony.
Grayson: I never owned a pony.
Glitch: Thoroughbred horse, then.
Grayson: . . . Her name was Black Beauty.
Glitch: For real?
Grayson: No.
Ambrose and Nick both chuckle, then glare at each other.
Nick: Does anyone even know enough about Kim to vote for him?
Shard: I do.
Nick: Fuck off, you brain parasite. No one cares what you have to say.
Shard: Such a child.
Nick: A child who you almost killed!
Jo, clearing throat: Keep on topic, kiddos. Story Events aren’t until Round 3.
Ambrose: This author is sick and twisted.
Shard: Hypocrite.
Kent, quietly: I want this to be over.
Glitch, expression guilty, stares at Kent. Some events, even dark humor shouldn’t touch.
Glitch: You know what? I’ve changed my mind. This competition is stupid.
Sally: That’s quite the one-eighty. Afraid that you won’t win?
Ambrose: There's no victory to be found in something like this.
Glitch: Agreed Let’s move on.
Grayson: I’d love nothing more, but the author said that—
Glitch, glaring at everyone except Kent: We’ve already established that the author isn’t in control. This topic is getting dropped.
Kent: Thanks, Ferro.
Comments
saarebasra
Favorite bit: Sally's "Shut up. My issues are robust and plentiful." That's exactly the kind of stuff that makes Sally/Nick so entertaining to read. I'm almost surprised Nick didn't close the discussion with the most obvious argument: Since Rosy is the *most* disturbed person present (minus Shard because they do not deserve a huge, shiny trophy, ever), he obviously wins the Trauma Olympics. (Then again: This would give Rosy the win. Still.) By the way: Too bad that Nick didn't get to expand on his potential claim to the trophy, though I suspect he might not be as serious about it as he could be. Two last questions: 1. Even if Shard knows enough about Rosy to vote for him, *would* they actually vote for him considering that there seems to be very little sympathy? 2. How the hell does Glitch know about Rosy's sister? Or is it something specific to this universe?
