Illiriel
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194: My Nuke Isn’t Nearly as Contraband if it Comes Packaged as a Wheelbarrow of Hearts
🕑 Added 2026-01-15 23:46:50 +0000 UTCTired from another day of farming, Ashtoreth lay on the couch in Nexus 001 and prodded the Five Realms sub-system for information on the warp network.
It was an incredibly thing, their warp network. On Orchard in particular, a truly unfathomable amount of mana was being generated and stored just to quickly move people from one place to another. The whole system was planet-wide, meaning they’d built who-knew-how many different conduits along with the accompanying mana distribution infrastructure.
Ashtoreth had been treating it much like it was just one more cool thing that the ancient humans had built… which meant she hadn’t been paying much attention to it.
Today, though, she’d had an idea.
“Say,” she began, “can the Warp Network be used to access Diadem from Orchard, or do I have to get there with my own spell?”
{Any Orchard Nexus warp conduit can be used to access the Diadem realm as long as appropriate permission from a Pinnacle Curator is granted}
“Great!” she said. “Next question. Where will I be warped if I move to Diadem from one of the Orchard conduits?”
{The Diadem realm reality spool has been damaged and is currently inoperable. Travellers will be placed in a backup terminal positioned along the rim of the Diadem realm}
“Huh,” she said. “So Diadem is… actually a circle? That’s kind of neat. Why is it that the reality spool being inoperable means I’ll land on the rim?”
{...}
“You’re a terrible communicator, and it really takes its toll on our relationship. This backup terminal, though—will I be able to warp back to Orchard from there?”
{The Diadem realm’s operational warp terminals can be used to access any location in the Five Realms so long as their user has the appropriate permissions from a Pinnacle Curator}
Ashtoreth grinned. That almost certainly meant their path of retreat was much quicker than it would be if it were just Hunter using his boots. It would be slower than the two-way, same-realm warp magic that the conduits in Nexus 001 usually used, but it would still make a difference.
“Next question,” she said. “Will the warp network be able to convey both me and a [Hellfire Nova] to Diadem?”
{Transport of highly concentrated external mana via the warp network is prohibited. Exceptions can be requested from a Pinnacle Curator}
“Boo.” She was surprised that the system understood her query. She supposed that understanding ability descriptions was universal, after all.
When it came to teleportation magic, mana essentially added weight or drag in the same way that actual mass did. Unused, stored mana in her body wasn’t so bad, but more specified magical energy like [Bloodfire] was worse, and teleporting a massive spell like her nova would both require more mana than it cost to cast in the first place and severely limit the range of a warp spell.
Normally, those restrictions were prohibitive. But with the ancient human tech behind her, there was always a possibility.
“I’m granting myself all the privileges and exceptions that I have the power to grant when it comes to the warp network,” she said. “Now: can I bring my [Hellfire Nova] to Diadem?”
{Transport of highly concentrated external mana via the warp network is prohibited. Exceptions can be requested from a Pinnacle Curator}
She scowled. So she had to reach tier 5, then. “You know, it makes sense why I can’t take my micro-nuke to school, but it’s still extremely disappointing.” She blew out her cheeks. “Okay, new question. Suppose I have—and this is just a hypothetical—but suppose I have a wheelbarrow full of freshly harvested hearts that I’d like to deliver straight to Diadem. Is that okay?”
{Transport of material goods through the warp network is permitted. Transport of goods in excess of 421.28 kilograms is prohibited. Exceptions can be requested from a Pinnacle Curator}
“Okay,” she said. “But that’s just highly concentrated mana with like, one extra step.” She’d have to kill a lot of the higher-level beast creatures within the space of an hour, now, and she’d have to take the time to pack the nova… but still. “I mean… I’m just going to turn it into mana when I get through to the other side. I don’t know if the life force that the hearts carry is like, easier to move or not, but don’t you feel just a little bit… silly, I guess? Because this is a bit silly.”
{...}
“I’m not complaining—I wasn’t complaining!” she protested, raising her hands defensively. “I, for one, think that it’s perfectly lovely that ancient humanity had a little room for silliness. I’m going to use my gorgeous elvish leather heart satchel instead of a wheelbarrow, by the way.”
The system gave no answer.
“Say, are you at all worried about the system? You know—the real one. Because it kind of feels like you’re treading on its territory. And I feel like if the system wants you to get off its lawn, you’re probably going to end up off the lawn, one way or the other.”
{...}
“I don’t know about that. To be honest, that just sounds a little platitudinous.”
“To be clear,” Kylie said, “you’re arguing with humanity’s automated customer service system.”
The lich was lying on the nearby armchair, her legs draped over one armrest while she used a tablet. She was farming.
“And let me tell you, I’m definitely winning.”
Kylie snickered. “The Queen of Earth, ladies and gentlemen.”
“Uh, excuse me please,” Ashtoreth said. “The politically correct term is ‘system-appointed monarch.’ I don’t want to put on airs.” She glanced at Kylie’s tablet. “So how’s it going?”
“The farming? Or your PR?”
“I know how the farming is going.”
“Uhuh. Well, as for your debut… there’s not many comments that would apply to you personally, since you basically delivered your whole speech with the most neutral affect I’ve ever seen you have.”
Ashtoreth flashed her a devious grin. “I didn’t want them to think that I was juvenile, so I avoided acting like myself.”
“As for how they took the news you gave them… it’s about what you’d expect when the news in question was that everyone they know and everything they love is under threat from every one of the most dangerous civilizations in the cosmos.”
“I put a good spin on it, though.”
Kylie sucked in air through her teeth. “Did you, though? Did you really?”
“I said the two most powerful civilizations in the cosmos were afraid of you! And it’s true!”
“Okay, but how good a spin is that, really? Imagine two scenarios: one, you’re trapped in the room with a saber tooth tiger. Two, you’re trapped in a room with a saber tooth tiger that’s utterly terrified. Which of those two options make you feel safe?”
Ashtoreth cocked her head. “Both? I’ll fuck that lispy tiger up.”
Kylie started laughing. “Fuck you.”
“I’m just saying, it’s gonna be terrified one way or the other, before the end. Did the government say anything yet?”
“Lots of things,” said Kylie. “But they’re going along with it and pretending, once again, that your actions were all their idea. Some suit in Eastern Europe said that you were acting on your own, but it looks like he’s getting crucified for it.”
“Poor guy.”
Kylie scoffed. “He was a politician. Anyway, nobody’s pulling the trigger on your lie just yet, but they’re not saying much else, either. In addition to being very afraid, people are very suspicious. If this were an actual, official announcement that everyone had talked over and decided to go ahead with, the governments would be having press releases and answering questions. But they can’t do that right now, because they don’t know shit. And if they make stuff up, then they clearly won’t be on the same page. It takes more than an hour to get a world government to act in lockstep.” She glanced at Ashtoreth. “Basically, you fucked them up good.”
“Great!” said Ashtoreth.
“As long as this works out the way you think it will,” said Frost, appearing in the doorway to the house. “I won’t lie and say that I’m not incredibly nervous, right now.”
“Don’t worry!” Ashtoreth said. “Their legitimacy comes from being Earth’s protectors. If they pull the trigger on my lie, they undermine their competence in the eyes of humanity at large, and they make it clear that they’ll lie whenever it suits them. The bossmen know that I can prove that what I’m saying is true.”
“I know, I know,” said Frost. “But just to be clear: the best possible outcome here is that we all shake hands and make up.”
“I’m sure they’ll agree!” Ashtoreth said.
“A lot of people are zeroing in on the fact that you don’t give interviews, by the way,” said Kylie. “They see it as evidence that you’re not really our servant. Also, maybe it’s just because I know the truth and so it seems obvious in hindsight… but it’s surprising to me how many people aren’t looking at the circumstances and seeing that Ashtoreth is leading the governments in this, and not the other way around.”
“Could be wishful thinking,” said Frost. “Could just be that it’s hard to form a coherent narrative where Ashtoreth is doing this but the governments are still around that isn’t a full-blown, ‘Hell won the war’ conspiracy.”
“Yeah, well, there’s a lot of that too. They went nuts about the whole ‘alpha and omega’ thing you had going on with the hem of your robe, by the way.”
“Oh hey! They would, wouldn’t they?”
“Yes, Ashtoreth,” Kylie said, as if it should have been obvious. “They would and they did. Other than that…” she shrugged. “People loved your hair.”
She beamed.
“She did look great,” Frost said.
“Those highlights were fire,” said Kylie. “I know I’m kind of a slob and shouldn’t judge, but if you can get there with like, zero effort, why go for the twintails?”
“They make me feel good. And you’re not a slob, Kylie—you’ve got great style!”
“I wear the same shirt everyday like a cartoon character, and I get away with it because I’m a walking corpse.”
Ashtoreth scoffed. “So first of all, ‘Resting Lich Face’ is peak fashion, unless we count the bag I got you. Second of all, let’s be real, you’re more of a reclining corpse.”
Kylie laughed, and Frost was smiling as he turned to Ashtoreth and said, “I take it things have more or less gone the way you expected, then?”
“Yep!” she chirped. “The human bossmen will hopefully give us a call soon and we can make nice—but with everybody in the loop this time.”
“Well since there’s nothing pressing, you should probably get some rest,” said Kylie. “Early to bed, early to wake up and kill some… evil shapes, or whatever.”
Ashtoreth stood and stretched. “Whew!” she said. “That feeling when everything that has transpired has done so according to your design, you know? Feels good.”
