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74: Dead Leaves
🕑 Added 2021-05-04 21:54:33 +0000 UTCInho plucked a dead leaf from the vine that hung beside his bed. It was struggling lately, and he wasn’t sure why. It had grown several feet since he’d got it, why was it suddenly dying? He considered another yellowing leaf, then snapped it off with regret. He’d have to google it. Was it just the changing of the seasons? What made a perfectly happy plant give up?
Stop being so existential, he thought and sighed for what felt like the hundredth time. Over the last two days, he’d relentlessly turned over Monday night’s events. He couldn’t quite explain why he acted like that; he regretted being so aggressive, and acting completely fucking feral in the back of Stephen’s car. What the hell had gotten into him? His cheeks warmed when he thought about the filthy things he’d said, his stomach twisted over how he’d slapped Stephen. he had really shown Stephen a shameful sight. He worried that Stephen didn’t even want to see him again, and yet, Inho was still upset.
They’d talked over most of what was bothering him but, his gut still said that things weren’t right. When he tried to unknot what he was feeling he just got more tangled and confused. Was it so wrong to want to be someone’s priority? Or to need to trust them? Another big sigh slipped out.
He gathered the pile of dead leaves and stems he’d trimmed together, and carried them to the compost bin. With his head a mess like this, he still hadn’t contacted Stephen, and to his surprise, Stephen hadn’t contacted him either.
Inho’s hands twitched towards his phone, the way they had countless times already. He was the one who wanted space, but his resolve was weakening. Loneliness and a desire to be comforted was slowly eroding his concerns.
He picked up his English workbook and tried to focus on studying, his mind immediately wandering to Stephen instead. Was Stephen unhappy? It was 6pm, was he eating dinner? What if he was hurting? Inho wished he was here, that they were snuggled together with takeout, watching nature documentaries, or cooking together, or having sex in the kitchen, bent over the dining table…
Inho shook his head, it was getting harder to keep it straight if he was angry about something real, or if he was overreacting. His mind kept trying to convince him it was nothing, so Stephen could come back. But...maybe that was okay. He picked up his phone, pulled up their chat, and typed “Hey.”
Before he could send, it started ringing in his hand, startling him. “Hi Dad,” he answered.
“Hello Inho,” his father’s greeting was unusually subdued.
Inho shifted on his bed, sitting up, “Is everything okay? Did something happen?”
“Inho, am I a bad dad?”
“What?”
“We were so close when you were little,” he continued, “But, I guess I’ve been so far away for so long…” Beom’s voice trembled, “I thought I was doing the right thing, working for the family.”
“Dad, wait what’s happening?”
“I spoke with Jamie,” Beom replied, then fell silent.
Inho stiffened, “What? Why?”
“She used to call me, every now and then. We’d chat about you and how things were with her. Her father is quite difficult you know.”
“Yeah, I know. Did she call you?” Inho’s stomach twisted, “What did she tell you?”
“I called her, she hadn’t called me in ages, and you were so tense when I brought her up. I wanted to make sure everything was okay.”
Inho waited for him to explain further, but the silence stretched and his father gave a sad sniffle. Jamie wouldn’t...She wouldn’t tell him about Stephen. Surely not, not now, not when things were ending, not like this.
When Inho didn’t answer, his dad sniffed again and cleared his throat, why was he so upset? Was it because he’d found out his only son was in a relationship with a man? Inho chewed furiously at his thumbnail, his heart slamming against his ribs.
“She told me you broke up with her. Inho…”
Inho slapped his hand on the bed, outraged. “What the hell? She broke up with me.”
“Well, yes, but she’s been trying to reach out to you since. Inho, why didn’t you tell me? You were together for six years. Do you not trust me anymore?”
“Why would she reach out to me? That’s not true. I don’t want to talk to her,” Inho’s voice was rising.
“She said you’re dating someone really awful now.”
Inho swore soundlessly. What the fuck was she doing?
Beom continued, “Inho, I’m worried about you, and...I’m hurt that you lied to me.” His voice shook slightly.
A small rush of relief, she hadn’t told him Inho was dating a guy. Then a twist of guilt. He had lied to his father about Jamie for no good reason. His dad’s voice sounded so lost.
“Dad, I’m sorry,” Beom didn’t answer. “I should have told you we broke up. I was having a hard time.”
“Can’t you depend on me when you’re struggling? I try so hard to stay in touch. Your sister never answers my texts either.” Inho could almost see his sad hurt face through the phone, like he’d kicked a golden retriever that just wanted hugs. Beom sighed, “It’s fine. I don’t want to be a burden on you, but can you at least call Jamie? She sounded really worried about this new person, and I trust her judgement.”
“But you don’t trust mine?”
“Inho…”
“It’s fine, it’s...probably over anyway.”
“Can you talk to her anyway? Please?”
Inho couldn’t say no right now, not when his dad’s voice warbled and shook like that, “Alright, I’ll talk to her.
“Thanks. And, son. I’m sorry I’m such a bad father,” his dad’s voice finally broke and he started to cry on the other end of the line.
“No, dad, you’re not.”
“I’ve gotta go Inho. I’ll talk to you soon.”
Beom hung up, and Inho flopped onto his belly feeling like a piece of garbage. He’d made his dad feel worthless. And, he hadn’t called his mom in weeks either, maybe longer. He chewed his nail, now bitten to the quick.
He sent his mom a message, asking her to call when she had time, and after a long hesitation, dialed Jamie’s number.
