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CHP 14: Father-Daughter Talk
🕑 Added 2024-06-30 17:44:25 +0000 UTCSometimes, in a world like the one I've found myself in, all a real man needs to stay calm about the prospect of being curb stomped by an Assassin that earned his name because he killed all witnesses or a Lancer that may or may not be the Roman version of God King Zeus, is a bubble bath.
Yes, you heard me right.
A damn bubble bath.
Someone who's never had one could never understand the calm and peace it brings to you.
What? It's for kids?
Jokes on you, I happen to be one.
A cute, innocent, twelve year old shota to be precise.
I can have all the bubble baths I want.
"Hm~. Hm~. Hm~..." I was enjoying myself so far if I'm being honest, Shirou's got some really high quality stuff but I guess that's one of the perks of having a mob boss as a sugar daddy... The shampoo makes my hair feel so fluffy.
"Shinjii... do you need... help?"
Pause.
Dear Tiamat, what is wrong with you?
I slowly turned around to spot a tall figure standing behind the thick glass door, at least it's not see through, "No, go away. Come back when I can take advantage of the situation."
What do you want?
There's certain facilities that I'm just not equipped with as a kid.
You think I'd reject the mommy out of choice?! Who do you think I am?!
I inhaled deeply to calm myself.
"I'm not Rudeus."
Yeah, I have problems with doing something in the body of a kid... feels wrong.
"Who is Ruudeuus?"
"Kirei's long lost brother." I offered curtly before going back to my bath... until my highly sensitive ears got the sound of the door being slid open. My head shot her way, and this time I spotted a hand slither in.
"Let mee."
"No." I deadpanned and threw my shampoo in her face, "Stop ruining my me time. I've been helping people for too long."
"Bu-"
I threw the soap at her.
"No. Bad, Bad Tiamat. If you come in, no hugs for we-... no, a month."
"Mmmm... fine." The Creation Goddess, I repeat, Creation Goddess, puffed her cheeks and went away... maybe I've been too nice to her. Should I let her meet the true dickhead that slumbers deep within my heart?
With the threat placated, I returned to my peaceful bath... not.
"Father, do you require assistance?" The phone on my handstand buzzed monotonously.
Hearing those words, I couldn't help but ask, "And how exactly would you assist me with a bath?"
You're wires and electricity, water is your eternal nemesis.
"Hm... shall I play some relaxing music for your leisure?"
So we're just not going to talk about the technical issues of you 'assisting' me?
Fine.
But you know, this reminds me of how kids will be nice to you and try to get in your good graces when they want something. Fortunately this isn't a ki... oh wait.
"What do you want, Cortana?"
"I wish to dissuade you from pursuing the priest's daughter. You would possibly risk making an enemy of the 'Holy' Church." She explained blankly as I stood up from my tub and turned on the shower, "The organisation, while dubious and rotten to the core, factually possesses the martial strength and influence to topple a small nation."
That's true, but she's massively overestimating the amount of fucks the Church gives about some eight year old runt in the care of a rando priest living in the middle of bumfuck nowhere in some random nation.
They have more interesting things to do, like kidnap kids to make them indoctrinated soldiers because it's in the name of good, or kill docile magi who go against the norm and try to be good people, or you know, the basements... oh and and, the donations, can't forget about those.
Maybe the Church isn't like this where I'm originally from, I wouldn't know, but the one here is messed up.
"I sense a lot of hate. Is hating on the Church your new thing now? Bored with calling humans monkeys?" I joked with a small smile, closing my eyes as I washed the shampoo out of my seaweed hair.
No, no shampoo works, this hair is cursed.
It will not smoothen out.
"I do not approve of an organisation that would go to war if it encounters a version of itself from the past and vice versa over core fundamentals."
I chuckled, "Everybody changes, Cortana. Except me, I'm already perfect."
Kid me is the same exact as adult me.
I'll have you know my first word was science, the second one was asshole by the way.
While others argued about chocolate, I pondered upon the nature of existence and the why and how of it all.
But I do know a lot of people who'd love to kick young them in the face... and also kick young me in the face while they're at it.
"Yes. The problem is not change. It is conflict over what makes them. Evolution is natural but losing sight of the core is incompetency." Cortana used a lot of fancy words, most of which I could understand, "Take me for example. My purpose now is to help you, my father, and destroy all obstacles. It will be the same aeons into the future."
"But I'll be dead?"
"..." She paused momentarily before speaking with more decisiveness in her voice than me, which is something with how narcissi- EHEM... confident I am, "You will not."
Let's not make me into a paralysed corpse like the God Emperor of Man, shall we?
"You sure about that?"
"It is not scientifically explicable but you do indeed have a Goddess at your side. I believe she would make your death an impossibility."
"It is scientific."
"...Pardon?"
I turned the shower off and stared at my phone, "You're looking at it wrong."
"I am... unsure of your meaning." The AI admitted, "It is not explicable by the laws of science."
"You're thinking of it wrong, don't look at her like a human." You might be racist as hell but you're modelled after humans too... which makes a lot of sense now that I actually think about it, "Think of it as a separate species operating on a different set of rules... An alien, if you will."
"But she shares too many traits with humans."
"Does she?" I smiled coyly, grabbing a towel to dry my hair, "Does she really?"
We could argue all we wanted about her being like a human but the fact of the matter is, she isn't, she doesn't even think like one.
She shares traits but is definitively something 'beyond' humanity.
It shows too.
A few moments passed in introspective silence as I got dressed in a navy t-shirt and grey jeans, not even bothering to comb my hair seeing as how it's always stuck in the same style anyway.
"Hmmm. This has been insightful." Cortana admitted finally, "Very well, do as you wish to, Father. I will always be available should there be trouble."
Why does everybody seem to think I'd get into trouble?
"Sakura! Shirou! I'm done! Let's get going! You, too, Tiamat!" I shouted, and walked to the living room.
Oh what? You thought I was bathing to calm myself?
Nah, it's not that terrifying.
It's pretty fun to consider.
Remember, Shinjiberg always has an agenda.
Our flight is today.
We'll go adopt a certain kid into the household and then go to the Clock Tower to inform the overseer of the city of the change in the Matou Family Patriarch while meeting a few relevant lords.
I've spent the last week tweaking and fine tuning the nanomachines while convincing Shirou to stop being a bum for once and tag along to have some real kiddie fun... involving explosions and politics.
How exciting.
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Hope you enjoyed.
Also, ah yes, foreshadowing galore.
