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(Male-only Version) Jamie Gets Even: A What Would You Do? Story (Part 1)
🕑 Added 2023-09-26 14:27:07 +0000 UTCI've written several What Would You Do tribute stories, envisioning a spinoff where a wilder version of the show somehow finds its way to late night TV. This is the latest installment!
“You were a GREAT sport. We’ll take good care of you.”
That was the text Jamie received directly from Marc Summers. It had been a few months since Jamie became the very first contestant on the new adult-themed version of What Would You Do. In that debut episode, Jamie was an unwitting contestant brought in to test out the pure cruelty of the writing room’s imaginations.
In what has since become a quaint version of the show, Jamie was called upon to play a rigged yoga challenge, where he tried (and failed) to mimic three yoga poses from Kerry, an experienced instructor. He so badly wanted to impress her, but instead, each of his failures ended in Kerry slamming a whipped cream pie right in his face. And as if that wasn’t enough, his final punishment for his triple failure was a trip to the Pie Pod, where he took five more pies and got sprayed with more whipped cream. To this day, his clothes reeked of spoiled dairy.
Jamie’s personal life deteriorated rapidly in the time since. He found it humiliating to receive so many pity texts from his friends after the show aired, and even more humiliating to see images of his messy body go viral and turn into a meme. He was 23 years old, still trying to find his place in the world, and this experience didn’t help.
He thought things turned around when he started dating Austin. It all seemed so improbable: a gorgeous guy, way out of his league, someone who brought out the best in him and didn’t know anything about his baggage.
But after a thriving 4-month honeymoon period, the relationship fizzled out as summer turned to fall. To Austin, something about him felt off, and one fateful October day, he was out at the bars, one thing led to another, there was a kiss, a “let’s go back to my place”, and by the end of the week, Austin and Jamie were done. Only through the grapevine did Jamie learn the reason why Austin ended things. He’d never felt so low.
A couple of months had passed, and Jamie’s sick feelings had begun to subside, until he found himself alone on a Friday night, idly scrolling through his Instagram feed. And then he saw it. Austin, a new post with a simple caption: “🚀”. He was kissing his new partner, and the new guy was stunning.
Jamie closed the app, sighed, and thought about how turbulent these last few months had been. He remembered the last thing Austin told him before they stopped speaking: Austin said he would do anything to make it up to him.
Just then, a thought crossed his mind. He recalled something Marc said to him as they crossed paths backstage. “If there’s ever anything we can do for you,” he said, “just give us a call.”
That’s exactly what he did. Jamie reached the show’s Executive Producer, who remembered him vividly. Jamie explained his predicament and what he had in mind. True to his word, the EP said he’d pitch this directly to Marc.
“Jamie, I’ll call you back by the end of the week.”
Sure enough, a few days later, he received a call from the EP saying it was on. Together, they hatched a plan to set up Austin and his new boyfriend. It would happen on his birthday, two weeks from Saturday.
Then that text from Marc. “You were a GREAT sport. We’ll take good care of you.”
The next day, Jamie texted Austin for the first time in weeks, to see if he’d be interested in checking out “this new TV show that’s taping near me. You can even bring your new partner if you like.” Even typing the words made Jamie want to dry heave.
“Sounds cool, we’ll be there!” he texted back.
Game on.
As Jamie nervously walked into the studio waiting area, he felt incredible trepidation. He was nervous about seeing Austin again, about meeting his new partner, about whether this revenge plan would work, and about being back where the worst day of his life took place. And then he saw it: a photo of him on the “Wall of Shame”, seated in the Pie Pod, pie plates strewn everywhere after they emptied their contents all over his body. He had no idea he’d been immortalized in this way, and he once again started to get that sinking feeling.
“Jamie, hey!”
Jamie whipped his head around to see Austin and his new partner. Jamie walked over and hugged Austin awkwardly.
Austin was as stunning as he’d ever been, but also appeared to have leveled up, as if the guy next door he used to be was evolving into someone edgier, a new personality seemingly unlocked by his new partner. Now more than ever, he was a firecracker – a slender 5-foot-7, sporting a matching white cropped t-shirt and white denim short shorts. It was a questionable outfit for a birthday celebration, but not entirely out of place for this location, with the studio being just off the boardwalk in Daytona Beach, Florida.
His dirty blonde hair was neatly held in place with pomade, and he flashed the one thing that Jamie loved about him most: that beautiful, innocent smile.
With the skimpy outfit barely covering his body, Jamie noticed how different Austin looked. Better. Austin was already hot, but now he was a thirst trap in skintight clothes. What little flab he had had been converted into toned muscles up and down his body: sculpted arms, the slight outline of a six-pack, thick thighs.
Unashamed by who he had become or what anyone thought about it, Austin came right out and introduced his partner to Jamie. “This is my boyfriend, Jace!”
They shook hands awkwardly.
Whatever little self-confidence Jamie had left in this moment was wiped away upon meeting Jace. He immediately knew he was responsible for Austin’s physical and psychological transformation.
He, too, had sculpted muscles, from his biceps to his abs, all the way down to his tree trunk legs. He was someone whose looks were central to his identity, and who ensured that he took that gift and refined it for maximum effect. His long brown hair was tied back in a ponytail and his olive skin – a nod to his half-Argentinian background – was tanned to a glistening shade of brown.
Jace wore a sparkly fuchsia tank top that was bold in color and in look: it accentuated his pecs and was wrapped so tight around his ripped body that he seemed to be popping out of it. He topped off his look with bright purple running shorts, looking like he just finished a workout at the glam gym. The way his shorts wrapped around his impossibly thick glutes (half-Argentinian!) immediately caught Jamie’s eye. He was jealous.
“So what’s next, shall we check in?” Austin asked, if only to break the tension between them all.
Before they knew it, they were filing into the studio to take their seats, each of them making desperate attempts at small talk to not make this whole situation feel so weird.
“So Jamie, have you seen this show before?” Jace asked.
Right at that moment, the audience began to applaud and the studio lights went up. The famous What Would You Do theme played over the speakers, and before long, Marc came bounding out to greet the audience.
“Hi everyone, I’m Marc Summers, and you’re watching What Would You Do! How’s everybody feeling today?”
Whoops and hollers from the audience greet him.
“This is the show where we play all kinds of games, give audience members the chance to win fabulous prizes, all to ask them that sacred question, ‘What Would You Do?’
“And boy do we have a special treat for you today! I want to take you back to our very first episode, all those months ago. Who here has been watching us from the very beginning?”
A hearty applause rises, though it’s urged on by an applause sign from above the set. The reality is, nobody was watching this show until contestants started taking their clothes off as punishment for losing games.
Jamie’s heart is racing.
“Way back then, our very first game was a yoga challenge, and unfortunately, our contestant that day failed our challenge. But I’m told he’s back in our audience today, and wants a second chance at our games! So Jamie, would you please stand up?”
The audience applauds again, and both Austin and Jace’s heads whip to their right and look at Jamie, who stands oh-so-tentatively. Their look screams, what the fuck is going on here?
Marc hustles up to Jamie to greet him.
“So Jamie, if I remember correctly, when you were here last time, you lost and got hit with a lot of pies, isn’t that right?”
“Yes … it wasn’t the best day of my life, I’ll admit that.”
Austin is aghast. He was never told about this.
“So what brings you back here today?”
“I’m here with a friend of mine” – he gestures to his left at Austin, seated next to him – “and I want to challenge him to a game!”
Marc gestures for Austin to stand.
“What’s your name, please?”
“I’m Austin.”
“And so how do you know Jamie?”
He freezes. He wasn’t proud of the way things ended, and he hoped Marc wouldn’t probe too deeply into this. “We actually dated.”
“Dated, as in you’re not dating anymore?”
“Yeah, we broke up a little while ago, unfortunately.”
“Oh man, and you’re here together today, interesting. Can I ask why you guys split up?”
He freezes again. He sneaks a quick glance at Jamie, who has a deer-in-headlights look on his face too.
“Um, well… I met someone new.”
Marc sees a third person seated next to the standing Austin. He knows the answer, but asks anyway. “And who’s this next to you?”
“...that’s my new boyfriend.”
“Oh my goodness, a guy, his ex, and his ex’s new boyfriend are all here? Wow, this is something else, please, all three of you, come join me on stage, we have a game to play!”
The audience cheers wildly. Jamie has an incredulous look on his face and can only shrug at Austin and Jace, who now realize this entire thing was a setup. Both guys stare daggers into him while they walk down the studio steps to the stage.
“I still can’t believe this,” Marc says. “This really is the most awkward setup I’ve ever–”
Jamie is heard shouting something off-mic.
“...what’s that, Jamie?”
“I said it’s Austin’s birthday, too!”
“Oh wow, happy birthday, Austin! Can we get a round of applause for him on his special day?”
Marc leads the audience in a protracted round of applause as the camera zooms in to Austin’s confused face. He thinks to himself, What is happening right now?!
“So let’s go around and quickly introduce yourselves. What’s your name? What do you do?”
“I’m Jamie, and I work in pharmaceutical sales.”
“I’m Austin, I work in scientific research.”
“I’m Jace, and I’m a fitness influencer.”
“Oh how fun! Well since we have a birthday, we’ve got an extra special challenge for all of you. Robin?”
Robin enters from stage left pushing two bakery carts, each containing more than a dozen pies made of pudding and whipped cream on foam plates. A stagehand joins him, carrying two low-topped wooden stools, which he places a few feet apart next to the carts. The audience groans. For those familiar with the show, they realize: they’re not screwing around. That’s a lot of fuckin’ pies.
“Guys, we have a problem. Robin here has been working really hard lately, and just doesn’t have the energy to get all of these pies to the other side of the stage. So we’re going to need your help moving them. Except for this challenge, you can’t use your hands for this challenge. In fact, for this game, you have to move these pies using only your butts.”
More heavy applause. Many in the audience spent the last 30 seconds staring at Jace and Austin’s huge rear ends, and now they’ll get to see them in use!
Jamie knows basically every game requires contestants to get messy, but of course, Austin and Jace don’t. He is stoic, but Jace is especially demonstrative. As an influencer that cares deeply about his appearance, this game jeopardizes his carefully curated look. He stomps his feet and shouts loudly at Marc, who raises his hand as if to say he’s not interested in hearing it.
“We’re gonna break you up into two teams. Naturally, it’s gonna be one ex against the other. So Jamie, you’re gonna be on a team with Robin, and you’re gonna face off against Austin and Jace.
“Robin and Jace, you’re going to take pies one at a time from your carts and place them on the wooden stools. Jamie and Austin, your job is to sit on them, and transport them to your team’s bucket over there.” Marc gestures to large buckets about 15 feet across the stage.
“If the plate falls on the ground, you’ll have to come back and get another one. You’ll have 45 seconds, and whoever can successfully transfer the most pies using only their butts in that time will be our winner.”
“Now gentlemen, I’m looking at your clothes, and these running shorts, these jeans – they’re just not going to do. So we’re gonna give you something else. Robin, will you show them what they’re gonna wear?”
The crowd groans as Robin walks back on stage holding a skimpy jockstrap between her thumb and forefinger. Jamie goes bug-eyed, and the other two just stare in disbelief. Austin takes the jockstrap and stretches it out, revealing its rainbow-colored waistband and shiny silver crotch with the What Would You Do logo front and center. Snickers are heard coming from the crowd.
“Guys, we’re gonna need you to change out of your pants and into this for our game, okay?”
Marc prepares to go to break. “We’ll give our daring contestants a minute to change, and we’ll come back with our Pie Sitting game in just a moment on What Would You Do, stay with us!”
The theme music plays as the video feed cuts to an overhead pan of the audience. Commercial.
“Jamie, you asshole, you set us up!” Austin shouts angrily.
“You said you’d make it up to me!” Jamie retorted.
The three guys follow Marci, a stagehand, to the back. Jamie mutters to himself about how Marc did him dirty; this was not part of the plan. He angrily removes his clothes one by one. He knows about the show’s edgier bent nowadays, and silently prays that this is the only time his dick will be exposed today. He fumbles with the What Would You Do-branded jockstrap until it’s on his body securely, the shiny silver crotch looking even more embarrassing now that it’s the only thing covering him up. He steps out, and the other two are already waiting in their matching jocks. They’re staring at each other longingly. Jamie feels sick to his stomach all over again.
Marci holds the three contestants offstage while Marc counts the show back in. He’s greeted by a bed of applause.
“Welcome back to What Would You Do! We’re about to play our Pie Sitting game, and we’ve got– well, we have no contestants. Gentlemen, could you please join us?”
The audience ohhhhs as they see Jamie, Austin, and Jace parading out wearing nothing but the shiny jockstraps. Because the three of them re-entered from behind the cameras, each of their ass cracks are in plain view of the cameras as they walk. The cameras don’t miss the opportunity to zoom right in.
“Well Jamie, I’ve seen you covered in pies, and I can say for sure that right now you’ve never looked better.”
Jamie rolls his eyes.
“Okay, let’s get you all into position! Robin and Jace, you’re setting the pies, Jamie and Austin, you’re sitting on ‘em and moving them to the buckets across the stage. Most pies in 45 seconds wins!”
Two cameramen get in place behind the contestants to get an unobstructed view of Jamie and Austin’s asses squashing the pies. They zoom in extra tight to get the shot. Their butts look so clean, so plump, so exposed.
“On your mark! Get set! GO!!”
Lively music begins playing and the audience cheers heartily as both contestants drop their butts into their first desserts. With no protection at all, Austin and Jamie moan at the sensation of cold cream and lemon pudding smothering their skin and finding their way into very sensitive areas.
As Austin stands, he instinctively moves his hands behind to hold the pie in place. Marc calls him out for cheating and tells him to start again. He knocks his pie to the floor, revealing a huge stain on his ass from the white whipped cream and beige butterscotch pudding.
Meanwhile, Jamie is already working his way across the stage. He’s halfway across when he hears another yelp: Austin’s butt flattening another pie.
He stands again and the plate immediately falls off, revealing that this pie was made of chocolate pudding. The beige, brown and white colors are already mixing into a swirl.
By now, Jamie has dropped off his first pie and is hustling back to pick up another. Audience members are pointing at his pie-smeared ass, jiggling and dripping excess pie as he trots.
Austin yelps an orgasmic “ohhhh” as he plops his big butt into a third pie. Once again, the moment he stands up, the plate falls on the floor, leaving behind another thin layer of dessert on his butt and the backs of his thighs.
Jamie lands on another pie, stands back up and tiptoes across the stage a second time.
Austin’s frustration mounts, and he angrily mashes his ass into a fourth pie. This time, he stands and takes two steps, but the plate falls yet again. A coating of yellow lemon pudding mixes with the others, making his butt even more slippery and the job even harder.
Jace is getting frustrated, though he recognizes the problem. Giant globs of pie are all over the stool and on the floor surrounding it. As Austin returns to the stool, Jace yells, “YOU’RE SITTING TOO HARD!”
He puts down another pie, and Austin squashes it again, this time a little more gently. It does the trick. Austin shimmies across the stage, catching eyes with Jamie along the way, who’s already on his way back after depositing a second pie in his bucket.
“25 seconds!” Marc yells.
Austin successfully reaches his bucket, shimmies until the plate drops, and sprints back.
At that moment, he spots Jamie slipping on some pie on the ground and falling cartoonishly on his ass.
“Ahh, fuck!” he shouts. The pain of landing on his tailbone really hurts. He tries to take a second to compose himself, but in that instant, he sees Austin pass him and sit on another pie. He wills himself to his feet, gets to the stool, and drops his rear end onto another pie.
Austin stands and takes a few steps across the stage with his next pie, but hears Jace yelling at him.
“COME BACK! IT FELL!”
Austin didn’t even feel that. He returns to the stool, and Jace continues shouting at him.
“WIPE YOUR ASS! WIPE!”
All the slop on his rear end have made them too slippery to stick a pie onto. The cameras make sure to zoom all the way in as Austin takes his hands and rubs them up his butt cheeks, from his thick thighs to his wide hips. He flings the cream on his hands to the floor, and the cameras catch his ass cheeks wobbling ever so slightly. Suddenly, he drops his hips and flattens another pie.
Jamie’s slip has swung the tide. He makes it about three-quarters of the way to the buckets with his third pie before it falls to the floor, forcing him to return for another. Once again, his bare ass bounces, this time covered in the double-white of vanilla pudding and Cool Whip.
Meanwhile, Austin eases his way to the buckets and deposits his second pie. He makes it halfway back when he spots Jamie sinking his butt into another one. They cross paths just a couple of feet from the stools when Marc yells–
“10 seconds!”
Jamie knows that this is his last pie, so he actually slows down to ensure he doesn’t lose it.
The crowd reaches a fever pitch as they see a close-up of Austin’s bare bum disappearing into another pie. But this one was a dud! As his butt sinks into it, cream shoots in all directions, but so does a deluge of chocolate syrup, a filling too watery to allow the plate to stick.
But Austin doesn’t realize this until too late. He stands up, the plate falls right to the floor and leaves a trail of black oozing down his butt and the back of his thighs.
THREE! TWO! ONE!
Jace desperately places another pie on the seat and Austin’s ass crushes it.
BUZZ!
Austin rises to his feet, and yet again, the plate pathetically falls off, leaving behind another trail of mess on his plump cheeks.
On the far side of the stage, Jamie’s hands are above his head in victory, looking ridiculous with pie all over his unclothed ass and splatters all over his torso and back from when he hit the ground. Nevertheless, his 3 pies were enough to win the game.
“That’s it!” Marc exclaims. “Stop right there!”
The audience applauds. Marc, Austin, and Jace all make their way over to Jamie and the buckets.
“In Austin’s bucket, let’s see. We’ve got one, two. Two pies for Austin, let’s have a round of applause!”
The crowd obliges.
“And in Jamie’s bucket, we’ve got one, two, three! Congratulations Jamie, you are our winner!”
A huge round of applause erupts. Unlike in past games, there were no natural bad guys in this game, but as the aggrieved ex, Jamie was the most sympathetic character of the three.
“So how does it feel to finally win a game?” Marc asks him.
“Honestly, I’m just relieved,” Jamie responds.
“Well, now that the game’s over, I hate to break it to you, but you had a little extra help.
“You see Jamie, the pies you sat on were just slightly different from the ones Austin sat on.”
Robin has joined the group at the buckets, carrying one pie in each hand, one from Jamie’s cart, and one from Austin’s. She hands them to Marc, who holds the plates at the edges and tips them at an angle. Jamie’s pie stayed mostly intact. But the filling from Austin’s slides right off with a giant splatter on the floor.
OHHHHH goes the crowd. Jamie’s pies were made of a stickier pie filling than Austin’s. For a second time, Jace lodges his complaints, and this time, Austin has joined him.
Marc is unsympathetic to the losers’ constant complaining. “Jace, you’re a real brat, you know that?”
“That’s not fair!” Jace retorts. “He cheated!”
“I’m sorry, but you lost!” Marc says. “And to be honest, this was really going to be a challenge just between Austin and Jamie, but your whining has given me no choice.
“Jamie, I know we caused you a lot of grief last time you were on the show, and we wanted to apologize for that.
“I also know that these two have probably caused you even more grief. So what do you say, do you wanna pie ‘em?”
The crowd roars, drowning out Jamie’s gleeful response.
Robin wheels out a third cart containing four more pies on it, causing both Austin and Jace to shout “Noooo” in despair. These are even larger than the ones Jamie and Austin sat on, and have proper tins and pie fillings. Robin takes two and hands them to Jamie.
Marc ratchets up the tension. “Now Jamie, since this was a pie sitting game and this Mr. Peloton and that Mr. Peloton failed, I think it’s only right we hit ‘em in their faces AND their butts, what do you say?”
Cheers from the audience again nearly drown out Jamie’s response.
With a pie in each hand, Jamie approaches his targets menacingly. He says something inaudible.
“What was that, Jamie?”
“I said I’m REALLY gonna enjoy this!”
“Well guys, you didn’t win the challenge, now you have to pay the consequences. Audience, it’s time to see Jamie get a little revenge on his ex and his new boyfriend. On the count of three Jamie, let ‘em have it!
ONE! TWO! THREE!
PLOONK! A silly sound effect plays in the studio as Jamie cocks his arms back and clobbers Austin and Jace with the massive cream pies.
Jace shrieks on impact, his body shivering as Jamie clobbers him right between the eyes. His hands shoot up, and his dick wobbles noticeably from inside the jockstrap from the pure the force and the suddenness of the hit. Jamie grinds the pie into his face before sending it over his head and into his brown hair, revealing Jace’s utterly shocked face and wide open mouth. Cherry pie filling oozes onto his chest, while solid cherries tumble all the way down to the floor, leaving a syrupy trail in their wake.
Austin freaked out in a similarly theatrical manner, his shoulders shooting skyward as the pie collided. His nice smile was wiped out in an instant, replaced with a disgusting mix of soupy blueberry filling, pie crust and Cool Whip. His lovely blonde hair gets demolished on impact, and gets plastered even further when Jamie overenthusiastically runs the pie over his head and down the back. Jace’s mouth was wide open in shock, but Austin’s is open even wider.
Marc hands Jamie another pie. Robin takes Jace by the shoulders and spins him around. “Turn around honey, let’s see that big butt of yours!”
Marc eggs him on. “On the count of three Jamie, show Jace his reward for all of those squats in the gym!”
ONE! TWO! THREE!
BLOOK! Another hokey sound plays as Jamie gives Jace’s tight ass a massive pie spanking. Jace cusses from the sensation of the hit and shuffles his feet forward from the force. Whipped cream shoots out in all directions as Jamie rubs the pie around, coating Jace’s previously clean butt in gooey slop. After what seems like forever to Jace, Jamie finally relents and frisbees the pie tin into his lower back.
And then it was Austin’s turn. Just like with Jace, Robin takes Austin by the shoulders and turns him around, allowing the cameras to zoom in on his bare ass. Jamie locks in on his juicy target.
“On the count of three Jamie, you know what to do!”
ONE! TWO! THREE!
GLOOP! Austin lets out a squeal of his own as Jamie wrecks his firm bottom. The little clean skin that remained gets smothered by thick cherry pie filling and whipped cream. Jamie takes extra pleasure in rubbing it in, smearing it up and down at least a half dozen times before letting the mangled pie tin clatter to the floor. Jamie takes his bare hand and smacks Austin’s messy butt for good measure. He yelps, turns around and shoves Jamie away to signal that he’s had more than enough.
The crowd is going nuts at the destruction caused by just four pies.
“So Austin,” Marc says, “Has this been your best birthday ever, or what?”
“This is so gross,” he whines.
“Well, since it’s your birthday, we’ve actually got an extra special gift for you and your boyfriend, you wanna know what it is?”
“I’m not interested!” he barks.
“Fine, I won’t tell you then. How about you, Jamie, do YOU wanna know what it is?
“Hell yeah I do!” says Jamie.
“Other couples might, I dunno, go to a nice restaurant, or maybe go sing karaoke or something. But here on What Would You Do, we do birthdays a little differently. So Austin, we’re gonna send you to the Human Fondue and Jace, you’re going to the Torture Machine! Let’s go, the two of you!”
This seemed inevitable to the audience, but they lose their minds anyway. Marci reappears and escorts Jace to the Torture Chamber, the combo Pie Pod/Pie Wash device armed with restraints for the victim. Marci straps Jace in at the ankles, waist, and wrists. He’s going nowhere.
Meanwhile, Austin is set to be the first victim of the Human Fondue. Robin walks him over to a device situated next to the Torture Machine. It consists of a large platform about eight feet off the ground, with little perforations in the floor for some reason.
Three giant bowls stacked vertically are suspended above the center of the platform. Together, they vaguely resemble the original What Would You Do’s “Pie in the Sky” device, except instead of only one bowl being filled with goo, each bowl is filled with several gallons of chocolate syrup, bubbling like a fondue fountain. The victim is meant to stand directly beneath it, allowing the fondue fountain to empty its contents all over them.
A stepladder from the stage floor leads up to the platform, and Robin gently nudges Austin to climb it. He obliges and stands in the center, underneath the fountain. He looks up at the trap door of the device, knowing that it is the only thing keeping him from a sticky demise.
He feels helpless, standing on a platform in front of an entire audience in just a jockstrap, about to get engulfed by massive amounts of chocolate syrup.
Marc hands Jamie a remote control with two buttons on it. Jamie is beaming from ear to ear.
“Alright, Jamie. On the count of three, I want you to hit the top button on this device, and 20 gallons of chocolate syrup are going to be dumped all over your ex. Here we go!”
ONE! TWO! THREE!
Austin clenches his fists and holds them tight to his body, bracing for impact. Jamie mashes the button with vigor, and at first, nothing happens. But just when Austin thinks perhaps a malfunction has saved him, he looks up at the trap door, and that’s when it happens.
The bubbling chocolate fondue fountain stops churning and the trap door suddenly releases, unloading the contents of the fountain all over poor Austin, a deluge of chocolate pounding him right in the face and gushing down his body like a tidal wave.
He shrieks momentarily, before being forced into silence as a slurry of fudge instantly fills his mouth. The next thing we see is that same deluge of chocolate flooding back out of his mouth as he fights for air.
Eventually the flow reaches a trickle and the deluge comes to an end. The audience goes crazy about the carnage. Austin is an almost nude monster covered in black syrup, dripping chocolate from every imaginable angle.
Figuring this giant ordeal was over, Austin starts walking back toward the stepladder. He steps beyond the puddle of chocolate surrounding him and–
“Hang on, Austin!” Marc shouts. “We’re not done with you!”
Austin shouts “Come the fuck on!” He steps back into the center of the platform, in the midst of the pooled chocolate. A camera zooms right in on his ample bulge, where we’re treated to a view of chocolate sauce continuing to drip down off it, down to the floor.
“We have one last thing for you. Guys?”
With that, all but a small portion of the platform on which Austin is standing pulls back to reveal a see-through platform underneath.
Beneath the platform is a sea of brown. Even more chocolate sauce. Austin is now essentially in a chocolate syrup dunk tank, just waiting for the floor to drop beneath him. He realizes that those bowls weren’t why this device is called the Human Fondue. THIS bit is the Human Fondue. He’s the marshmallow about to get dunked into a chocolate fountain.
Is this overkill? Marc thinks to himself. He goes off-script to try and give Austin an out.
“Austin,” he says. “I’ll give you one last chance to save yourself. You just have to answer one question about your ex-boyfriend here and we won’t dunk you, okay?
“When Jamie was on the show last time, he lost a challenge and got a bunch of pies thrown in his face. How many pies did Jamie get?”
OHHHHH goes the audience. They know he had never even heard of this show before today, let alone that his ex-boyfriend was on it or that he got pied for losing. He has absolutely no idea, and he knows it.
“Fuck!” he yells.
A few seconds pass. “Need an answer!”, Marc says.
“Five seconds!”
FIVE! The audience shouts.
FOUR!
THREE!
TWO!
“Ten!” Austin shouts. “Ten!”
Without even another word, Jamie slams the second button on his remote control.
Austin screams as the floor falls out from beneath him, plunging him into the muck. As everyone in a dunk tank does, Austin’s hands fly up in the air, desperate to grab anything to stop his fall.
But it is to no avail. Austin hits the chocolate hard, and his slender body goes completely under. His muscular calves. His toned ass. His barely-covered sack. His hard abs. His pie-smothered face. Chocolate splashes in all directions. Jace, seated in the Torture Machine looks on in horror.
Austin disappears for two or three seconds before resurfacing, spitting chocolate before dropping his mouth wide open in shock. He doesn’t know how to process all of these sensations. On one hand, he is wearing just a thong in front of all of America, swimming in a vat of chocolate syrup. On the other hand, the chocolate is warm and not entirely unpleasant. He licks his lips and is at once delighted and repulsed with how sickly sweet the syrup tastes.
Austin gets a standing ovation but gets no help in leaving the chocolate vat. His once vibrant blonde hair is now dull and Jaceed to his face. He runs a chocolate-covered hand through it to move it out of the way. He sighs in dejection.
And after all that, all the attention shifts to Jace in the Torture Chamber.
As always, the four arms of the Pie Pod have been loaded with full-size sheet cakes, each topped with extra frosting. This time, though, each is a different color: one blue, one red, one green, and one brown, designed to annihilate their victim in a medley of colors. Each one has a word of the What Would You Do name written in frosting on them.
In addition, numerous nozzles are positioned all around Jace at different angles. A giant bucket in the shape of a crown is situated right over his head. The bucket is transparent, but the green liquid inside it is very much not.
Marc counts down the ritual execution. “Okay, Jamie! We doused your ex-boyfriend in chocolate, what do you think? Should we destroy his new partner, too?”
“Let’s do it yesterday, Marc!”
“You heard the man! On the count of three, audience!”
ONE! TWO! THREE!
The next two sounds we hear are PRRRSHHHHH and a blood-curdling scream. A jet loaded with whipped cream from underneath Jace’s seat fires its contents right up his voluptuous ass. The gun concentrates its shot between his butt cheeks, giving the poor guy the equivalent of a whipped cream enema. Jace arches his back to try and avoid it, but the restraints around him waist simply will not allow it.
Almost simultaneously, another jet aimed at his groin unleashes its contents. Jace gets shot right between his legs, turning the shiny silver of his jockstrap a bright white and causing his back to arch the other way. Both guns work him from both sides as Jace moans in agony. A camera zooms in on his crotch, which can be seen expanding rapidly as his shaft gets violently blown about from underneath the fabric.
And then the cakes start launching. Steve Aoki, the DJ known for tossing cakes in people’s faces at his shows, had become a fan of What Would You Do, especially the Torture Chamber, and the drop of his song “Cake Face” became a staple of the cake launching portion of the contraption. The recognizable “raise your hands if you’re ready for some cake!” lyric played over the PA, but Jace, unfamiliar with the song, didn’t take the cue to brace himself.
Whether the cakes were made heavier or were just launched with more force, these were meant to deliver extremely hard hits. The first cake, a vanilla concoction, scores a direct hit on Jace, slamming into his face and shoving his head back into the padded headrest behind him. His mouth was still wide open from the shock of the cream guns, and it was immediately filled with sugary blue frosting.
The second cake was chocolate buttercream, and it too was a direct hit. The cardboard base bent around Jace’s face on impact, a telltale sign of the heavy force behind it. It seemed to explode as it hit him, sending green frosting and cake filling flying in all directions, mashing everything from his shoulders to his hair. Jace’s body shakes in his restraints from the force of the hit.
The third cake was red velvet, which is usually Jace’s favorite, but only when eating it a slice at a time, not taking the whole damn thing in the face. It missed low, but a dessert of this size is extremely forgiving: it slammed right into his chest, smothering his muscular pecs and pounding him like a punch to the stomach. Cake remnants slide down to his lap, painting his hard abs and his cream-splattered jockstrap in a layer of red.
And finally, a chocolate mousse slams into the side of Jace’s face, giving him a mini-chocolate shower like the one Austin received. His face takes on another wave of color, though the multiple layers of soft icing made this hit less devastating than the others. But the damage was done. Jace’s entire body was painted every shade of the rainbow, his shiny What Would You Do-branded jockstrap nothing but a memory. He was totally spent from the experience, and glad for it to be over.
Except it wasn’t. All of a sudden, the seat beneath him springs to life, spinning him in circles as four nozzles shoot even more whipped cream at his sticky, smothered body. Around and around he went, the cold, wet cream sending shivers down his spine and sticking immediately to the thick layers of cake all over his body. After what felt like hours, but was really only four revolutions, the chair comes to a stop, revealing that his multicolored body was replaced with a heavy layer of white whipped cream. Finally, now it’s over, he thought.
But still, it wasn’t. Suddenly, he feels the force of a deluge of a gooey liquid hit his head. Again he shouts, and again his body spasms from the surprise. At first, he thought he got chocolated too, only to open his eyes and see that he got buried under 10 gallons of thick green slime. The dousing kept coming for what felt like forever, but the shower eventually slowed to a trickle, and finally, the massacre was over.
For losing a simple game that took all of 45 seconds to play, Austin and Jace stripped to their underwear and got ritually humiliated in front of a live studio audience. Austin, still in his chocolatey prison, couldn’t even look at the barrage of mess that got launched at his boyfriend, and didn’t even know someone would just let that kind of carnage to happen to another human being. Jace, meanwhile, still sat in his chair of torture, still bound, with cake, whipped cream, and slime covering every inch of his body.
All three contestants received a massive standing ovation, and Marc took the show to break.
“Well, Jamie got his pound of flesh! But don’t you go anywhere, we’ve got a lot more still ahead, right here on What Would You Do!”
A side-by-side slow motion instant replay went up on screen as the show went to break. First, on the left, was Austin: the deluge of chocolate landing on his head, then the moment when the floor fell from beneath him, dropping him into his chocolatey grave with a mighty splash.
Then, on the right, the many ‘O’ faces of Jace. First, from the cream shot up his backside. Then from the cream shot into his groin. Then as cake after cake slammed hard into his face. And finally, the green slime surprise dropped right on his head. The edit was extremely well done, with the bouncing What Would You Do logo settling in a corner, both women with their mouths wide open, as the show faded to black.
