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I Said No Human Sacrifices, Dammit!
🕑 Added 2025-04-19 03:53:50 +0000 UTCI am the dragon.
With gleaming silver scales, a fifteen meter wingspan, claws that can cut through rock as easily as they could cut air, a long neck and an even longer tail, two slightly upwardly curved horns serving as a crest, and two horns curling forward as if to serve as face guards, four limbs that were as sturdy and strong as feet and yet as agile and dexterous as hands, I could say, I might've just won the lottery.
A falling brick from the sky brought me death, and a disinterested deity in the form of an orb of light allowed me to tinker with my character sheet until I got exactly what I wanted, and thus, I had gone from some nobody loser back on Earth, to a silver scaled force of nature on a fantasy world of swords and sorcery.
And it's good!
When I had thought of being a dragon, I had, mostly, thought of them as high level fantasy creatures like in my role playing games. I had not really expected that I would become something more like a force of nature. My voice can quell thunder, my wings can blow away storms, my breath can freeze mountains or vaporize lakes, my claws can split the earth and my horns can pierce through any shield.
When I awoke, many years ago, I was but a dragon chick, born from a lone egg. I had no parents, because I was made, not born, in the middle of a thick forest full of powerful magical creatures. Ten meter tall four armed gorillas, feathered tyrannosaurs, winged leopards, saber-fanged cheetahs and monkeys that threw explosive poop, all sorts of crazy magical beasts inhabited my surroundings.
They were all very delicious.
I can confirm, Tyrannosaurs taste like chicken.
Even as a chick at a fraction of my current size, I had the power of magic backing me up. A blast of my breath could instantly fell even the largest enemies I faced. Quickly, I became the King of the Forest, and none would dare face me. I hunted at my pleasure, and I grew in peace, for many years.
How many?
Fuck if I know. One of the best parts of being a Dragon is that I can go to sleep whenever I want and sleep for months at a time if I wish to. It's absolutely great. Don't even need to eat while I'm hibernating. Probably the best part of my powers really. I have no worries. No needs I cannot fulfill for myself. And I didn't have to deal with the worst thing that I had as a human.
People.
At least... that's what I thought.
I didn't know how many years it was before I had the first contact with human. Probably a couple decades. Honestly it's hard to keep track.
But eventually, it happened. I saw a person. A human. Some dude wrapped in leathers, holding a spear made from a tree branch and a sharpened rock. Built like a fucking brick shithouse, dude was huge and extremely hairy.
Despite the fact that I've been a fire and ice breathing lizard for the past few decades, I have to admit - a part of me was still a human being, and still saw the killing of humans as a taboo. So when I saw that man about to be turned into chunky salsa by one of the huge, delicious gorillas, I swooped in to save him.
And eat the extremely delicious gorilla. But, mostly to save him. Promise.
Either way, I swooped down into the small clearing, crushing a few trees as I landed, and then I closed my jaws on the throat of the Gorilla as he was about to rain blows upon the caveman looking guy, snapping his head off and devouring it.
The magical beast collapsed forward, and the man saw me, I probably looked super cool with my scales gleaming, shining and sparkling under the sun, and super badass covered in the blood of my prey too, and I totally wasn't trying, all natural. Either way, I grabbed the corpse that would be my meal, and departed back to the flowerbed I had made my home.
After I finished my meal, I decided to go for a nap. Only a couple months, really. When I went out to hunt the next time I awoke, I didn't think much of it, but, over the next couple of years, I started to see more humans entering my forest. Eventually, entire groups of humans in simple leather garb and wielding more complex weaponry, simple bows, axes and more properly crafted spears, started appearing more often.
I almost always observed them from a distance.
They were an open break to the monotony I suppose, sometimes I observed them, sometimes I slew the monsters that they could not, it was all food to me, and sometimes, when they came dangerously close to my lair, I would appear before them and scare them off. A part of me wondered if I wasn't getting myself into trouble, possibly, provoking them into gathering up to try to slay me.
Last thing I wanted was to be some miniboss that a plucky hero kills for a nice drop.
But luckily, even after I started keeping them out of the forest more frequently, they never did attack me. And that suited me fine.
A long time after, however, something changed. I felt something enter the sanctuary that was my lair. Within it, no noise other than the small woodland critters that were too tiny for me to find value in devouring was allowed in here... So when I heard the crunching of leaves, the rustling of grass, and felt the disturbance in the wind, I knew something had wandered where it shouldn't.
A group of somethings, in fact.
An old man, wizened, bald on top but with a long gray beard, more wrinkles than skin, wearing thick furs and heavy leathers, approached me, leaning on a walking cane, before falling to his feet.
"Oo mighty one!!" the man wailed. "We beseech thee- lend us your great might! Protector and King of the Forest, please hear our plea!!"
I opened one eye, and glanced at him. The old man flinched and the two more able bodied men behind him immediately dropped down, foreheads pressed against the flowerbed. Vaguely, I wondered why it was the first time I had ever heard them speak. Then I realized, I'd never cared to actually hear them out before.
Wait, what was he saying?
"Please hear us, we need your unfathomable might, King of the Forest! The scourge of the Dire Wolves looms upon us..! We will offer you anything, whatever we might give, if you would save our people, our home!"
Call me a sentimental idiot, but, I suppose there was still a part of me that was human.
I listened a little, and decided, it was time to actually play the dragon. If I was to be an ancient creature, a force of nature, I would have to play the part of it sometime too. Solitude was nice, but having the option to have humans do stuff for me that requires the dexterity of a small creature's opposable thumbs, well, that was nice too.
"Offerings..." I muttered, "human..."
I let out a yawning roar as I raised my head, my neck alone allowing me to tower above them. Despite the width of my head, my eyes were front facing enough that I could focus on the old man with both of them.
"I will hold," I stopped and held in a yawn, "you to your promise... bring me an offering, for I will slay your enemies..."
Still almost entirely asleep, I grumbled, letting out a gurgling growl as I rose to my full height, spread my wings and took flight, knocking the three people who had come to beg for my help.
"Yes! Anything, if you would protect our village, Lord Dragon, then, anything we can give you, will be yours!"
"Ugh, fine, but, mrgshnm.. no..." I stopped to yawn, which came out as more of a roar, "human sacrifices," I grumbled as I beat my wings, the powerful wind generated not disturbing anything contained within the small space of my flowerbed lair, and then I took high to the air.
Spotting the human settlement nearby, it was a couple lengths of myself away from the forest, there was a big fire in the middle and mostly concentric rings of tents set up around that big fire in the middle. There was also what I suppose might've been some sort of religious symbol, a totem or something. And not too far away, I could see a horde of what, at my height, looked like ants rushing across a series of green grassy fields, leaping over streams...
Yep.
Probably the wolves.
I flew towards them, and then when I was close, I dove and bathed them with my breath. I could breathe so hot that the air ignited, or so cold that I could blow blizzards, and I could blast them both out at once, and because I wanted to be as cool as possible doing it, that's exactly what I did. What might've been hundreds of wolves were reduced to shattered ice and ashes as I slaughtered them.
And then, I flew back to my lair, and prepared to take a nap, in order to give the villagers time to gather stuff.
I have to admit, I was actually kind of looking forward to it. It's actually a terribly difficult thing to gather fruit when you're as big as I am. So maybe they could gather a whole bunch of fruit for me to eat, which I hadn't really had much of since I became too big to forage in the forest. That'd be nice.
Whatever they would do, however, would be something for future me to deal with, because my nap was interrupted, and I wanted to finish it.
I once again alighted on my lair, and after curling up, went back to sleep.
However, before I could even start dreaming about piles and piles of delicious, sweet fruit, I was roughly awakened once again by someone wandering into my lair.
Maybe they were early? I wouldn't have minded waking up to eat, but...
That wasn't why I was woken up. That wasn't it at all. In fact, I had given these dumb fuckers one directive, one single rule, to follow, and they couldn't fucking do it.
All I said, the one thing I told them... and they ignored it!
"O mighty one, King of the Forest, I present my humble self to you!"
A young woman had appeared before me. Rather than the tribal leathers and furs I had become accustomed to, she was wearing what I could only think was a ceremonial dress of some sort. They had either traded for some fabrics or had managed to figure out how to make something actually presentable with what she had, because her dress was a thin white gown.
She was bowing her head and presenting herself to me, as she spoke, arms opened, trembling like a leaf in the wind.
"It is my hope that my humble self appeases your hunger!"
I was groggy, I was sleepy, I was hungry and I was annoyed. I couldn't be blamed for waking up cranky. I glared down at the tiny human woman, trembling before my great might.
"You dumb motherfuckers had one job, ONE JOB," I complained, "I said no human sacrifices, dammit!"
She was absolutely stunned. Floored even. Was she expecting me to talk all grand and cumbersome like she did? That'd be a waste of time.
"You know what, fine, you're hired. Bring some cleaning supplies from your tribe, your job now is to clean my scales," I said. "Also tell your tribesmen to collect some fruit and bring me a platter of it! Inform them, as long as they give me tribute every season, then I will heed their requests and listen to their pleas!"
And deny any that I didn't wanna do, of course.
"S-So... you're not gonna eat me?" the girl said.
"No, goodness no, you're all skin and bones," I said. "Seriously girl did they not feed you?"
"Well, uhm- since my parents passed away I've been having trouble, a-and, I was chosen because I was a burden to the tribe," the girl said. "S-So... Lord Dragon- Wait, why am I talking so casually with your venerable greatness, I'm so sorry I-"
I swept my tail along the ground and sent flower petals scattering, with a flex of my will, they swirled into a vortex that surrounded her. I still have no clue how magic works, I just kind of do it by sort of willing it to happen, which I suppose is my privilege as a dragon.
"Go home, fetch some cleaning supplies, and tell your people to bring me food," I said. "And again! I'll be clearer this time! No human sacrifices!"
I pushed the girl out of the clearing that was my lair with my tail, and then, finally went back to sleep. Hopefully, I'd only be woken up when it was time to bring me the tribute of fruit, so I could have a snack before hunting, or dessert after a meal.
Somehow, I had the sinking suspicion... my chill life as an apex predator that didn't have to worry about anything or anyone is coming to its end, and I'm not sure if I like it.
