Patrefans
Ryan Rimmel from patreon
Ryan Rimmel patreon

Chapter 32 – The Fall of Fillidelphia

🕑 Added 2024-02-11 23:47:50 +0000 UTC

Comments

Dan

One sentence in this one kind of bumped me. I had to read it 3 times to parse, possibly because it sort of ends on a preposition before the comma? I’m sure it’s me, but here it is: “Mind you, they also didn’t have weapons that he was entirely immune to the damage from, but it didn’t really matter. “ Maybe something more like: “Mind you, he wasn’t entirely immune to the damage of their weapons, but it didn’t really matter” It’s cleaner and gets to the point that he WAS immune to The Sphinx and Jim’s weapons a bit faster. Sorry to be “that guy” I usually don’t make these comments and I know you’re still editing. Just trying to help!

Ryan Rimmel

It flips between the two, I might double chapter it for a while.

Will Mill

Love seeing the story from his POV, but to be honest I was ready for a Mayor in his “office” POV. All good though. Next time, I hope.


More Creators