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69) Life Itself
🕑 Added 2024-04-09 22:20:54 +0000 UTC20th February 1998 (Friday)
Ricky Stirling (POV)
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome! Welcome to the annual segment providing an insight into the minds of the most brilliant film-makers of the year, this is Garret Pond, and you are watching ‘Frame by frame: A Cinematic Retrospective!”
Rousing applause rang out from the audience numbering in the hundreds, as it echoed throughout the auditorium.
Meanwhile I was backstage, having a mic taped to my lapel, preparing myself mentally for what could well be the most intellectually important interview I have ever given.
I’m not exaggerating here folks, decades from now, people might just look back at this and quote lines and excerpts from it, taking them out of context to score a personal victory over their opponents.
Yep… it’s that big.
Officially sanctioned by AMPAS (Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences), and televised nationally every year, bringing in nearly 20 million households to gather around their screens and this year… I was chosen. Well, more like voted on by the general public.
Yep… that’s right.
An interesting tradition that started all the way back in 1977, when the academy realized they were losing relevance with the public at large due to a historic massive decline in Nielsen ratings… an event which mirrored my OTL.
Here’s where the divergence occurred though.
The OTL academy carried on like usual, and decided to focus on generating buzz for the ceremony itself, by nominating more popular movies and actors, and hosting specials before the show itself, highlighting the history of the prestigious awards.
This academy on the other hand… went in a completely different direction. They decided that the solution of my OTL would increase short-term viewership, but they would be fighting an uphill battle soon enough, and lose their artistic relevance if they only end up nominating the popular movies every time.
And well… they had a point. Imagine any movie in the Transformers or Fast and Furious Franchise, being nominated for an Oscar, any Oscar… I would spit blood like a face-slapped Xianxia young master.
So the academy in this timeline, hired a maverick crisis management PR company to mitigate the shortfalls, and drum up ratings… and they came through.
And so the Oscars decided to stop being limited to a single 3 hour ceremony, and truly branch out and embrace their position as the authority on top notch film-making.
They introduced a series of interviews, where the ‘Best Actor’, ‘Best Actress’, ‘Best Director’, etc. would be voted on by the audience after the nominations are out, and then have 3 popular film critics provide insight into their work and partially interview in live telecasts.
And here’s the clincher, to avoid having the audience dictate the outcome of the award itself, instead of ‘Best Actor’, it’ll be ‘Most Impactful Actor of the year’, so the one voted by the audience, wouldn't necessarily be awarded the Oscar for the Best Actor… which will also have the positive side-effect of increasing speculation, therefore igniting even more interest in watching the ceremony.
Suffice it to say, unlike the OTL, the Oscars are NOT losing their relevance, and are likely never to, the way things are going, unlike in my OTL where the ceremony started recording historically low viewership after COVID - 19, but was in decline for over a decade before that.
“Now, the votes are in, folks, and it was… not even close this year. That’s right, you know exactly who to expect on stage soon enough, but my love of theatricality will not allow me to announce it without the usual fanfare! And so, without further ado, a man whose fame and contributions to cinema this year cannot be understated, a triple-threat entertainer, who has single–handedly swept the awards season, and arguable his single greatest achievement yet… to be named the ‘Sexiest Man of the Year’ by a record 14 publications, ranging from Times, People, Variety, etc, all the way to Playgirl, I give you, drumroll please… Ricky Stirling!”
An upbeat catchy entrance tune began blaring from the speakers as the curtains part and I walked into the spotlight, grinning from ear to ear, waving at the crowd that quite frankly, went nuts the second my name was announced. Seriously, I’m not even being biased here, apparently ‘Whiplash’ was just that fuckin’ good.
The 3 film critics selected for this endeavor stood up from their seats, as I greeted Garret like an old friend, hugging him, patting his back and everything, even though we had never met before… it’s for the optics actually.
On-screen camaraderie among fellow famous personalities generates gossip and speculation as to the nature of their relationship, which would be good for both parties.
I finally got around to greeting the critics chosen for this, Roger Ebert of the Chicago-Sun Times, Kenneth Canby for the New York Times, and Mark Kermode representing The Guardian.
Truly an all-star lineup, considering they are some of the most well respected film critics in the world right now.
I shook their hands, greeted them with respect, but not a hint of deference, it was a thin line to walk on, but I managed it well I think.
“Now, let’s take a seat everyone, and get right to it. Now Ricky, the way this works is, these 3 esteemed critics have been carefully chosen from a list of tens of potentials, why you might ask? Because each of them have viewed and critiqued every single entry in your filmography, but as we all know that a 300 word article is far too impersonal for the casual moviegoer to understand the depth of your work… and so here we are. We shall progress with the movies in chronological order, where each of them will review your work again in a retrospective, taking into account your recent projects this time. And they will ask a few questions at the end of their assessment which you are obligated to answer at the end. Understood?” He proceeded after my nod, “Now, sometimes they might have multiple questions regarding your work, and for the sake of this segment’s runtime, we would like to avoid repeating them over and over again, so here’s a pad and a pen for you to write them in-”
“Oh no that’s fine Garret, I’m good.” I politely rejected, “Will all due respect, I can stretch my memory for the next hour if you don’t mind.”
Slightly taken aback, he nevertheless recouped his composure in a split second, “Okay then, if it works for you, it works for me. Now! Let’s start with your debut in the world of cinema, ‘Paranormal Activity’.”
The second he announced the movie, the giant screen behind us changed from the segment’s logo, to the poster of Paranormal Activity.
And from thereon, my work, every single element of it, every single creative decision I ever made was examined comprehensively before being ruthlessly deconstructed by 3 old Caucasian men with increasingly graying hair.
Again, I’m not exaggerating in the slightest. Comprehensive… meant comprehensive. Panoramic in nature.
“I think the general theme of it illustrates one of my favorite points.” Roger passionately stated, “That silence and waiting can be far more entertaining than frantic fast-cutting and berserk f/x. For extended periods here, nothing at all is happening… and yet not for a second did I ever feel bored-”
Most of it was highly positive. Some of it though… was more mixed in nature.
“-so all in all, a highly entertaining flick, that combined the experimental nature of arthouse cinema with mass appeal to make a near perfect blend of thrill and horror… I have a question here Ricky. The miscarriage subplot… What was the- what was the significance of it? I felt it was going great until that moment, which came out of the blue I felt and was not explored enough before tensions started running high… any rebuttal?” Kenneth… asked. Although it was more of a statement than a question, with no way for me to disprove him without tearing his argument to shreds… something I was not keen on doing in a live telecast.
“Yes actually, now that you brought it up Kenneth, allow me to explain my rationale for that particular plotline… Now, in the past few years, I have observed horror movies getting increasingly impersonal in nature, with plotlines more focused on the supernatural aspects. So I decided to have more of a… grounded approach. And for that, I needed to make the core of the story, something general audiences could relate to rather easily, and thus came about Ricky and Janice’s relationship into play. And I felt that a few jump scares, while essential to creating a tense atmosphere, were not enough. No, I felt the story needed a more personal stake at hand, a loss so great, that it serves a breaking point for Ricky’s rapidly unraveling patience, and Janice’s thin grasp on reality. And thus came about the miscarriage. The basis of their shotgun wedding was the pregnancy. Their new life together, the foundation of it was the pregnancy. And now that it was ruthlessly snatched away from them, their purpose for remaining together came apart rather spectacularly… so i felt that the subplot was rather important to the storyline… but I confess, yes I should have allotted a little more time to explore the impact of it. Unfortunately, the movie was produced on a shoe-string budget and was financed entirely by me, thereby resulting in a more stringent filming timeline, and thus limited footage at hand. This in turn caused the runtime to be 90 minutes… and frankly a part of me is happy it didn’t exceed the mark, considering much of the movie’s magic would be lost if it dragged on for too long… needlessly stringing an audience who were there to simply enjoy a good horror flick… Hope that satisfies your curiosity.” I conclude with an innocent grin, providing a multi-faceted answer with no clear sides taken, so as to highlight the vague and subjective nature of film criticism.
I might as well have said, “That’s your personal opinion dipshit, you’ll find no-one else agreeing with you on this, so don’t ask me to justify your nitpicking, and stick to the damn script!”
Of course I phrased it in a far more civilized and diplomatic manner, even humoring his point of view for a second, but the underlying message remained the same.
Anyway, since the ‘show had to go on’, it did.
By this point, we were well past Paranormal Activity, and even Good Will Hunting for that matter and side note, I was coming to appreciate old Roger more and more with every single word that came out of his mouth.
“Your performance as Frank Abagnale was simply… incandescent Ricky. It was a conventional role certainly, but you nevertheless shined amongst the star studded cast by the simple device of never trying too hard… it was nuanced to the extreme, and like an onion. The more you peel, the more hidden layers are revealed underneath and yet it was… effortless to watch! The fact that you were nominated for Best Actor by the academy is truly a travesty of the highest order-”
Point is… I’m gonna give him tickets to every movie premiere of mine, if only to hear him praise me to high heavens.
Granted, people say you shouldn’t surround yourself with yes-men, but come on… I have earned this! And he’s not exactly a yes man any which way, considering he awarded 3 out 4 stars to Good Will Hunting, finding the plot a little predictable, but nevertheless entertaining.
Kenneth, on the other hand, went off the rails in his praise for the movies… calling it the most emotionally compelling film of the year… I know for a fact that it’s not.
But then again, film criticism is subjective in nature so… can’t really complain now, can I?
As for Mark… well his reviews of the first 3 movies were highly generic in nature, and didn’t add anything new.
Then he came to ‘Whiplash’... apparently he used to be in a high school jazz band for a year, and played the saxophone.
He essentially called it highly inaccurate, and an unfair representation of Jazz bands, but nonetheless, with a little suspension of disbelief, by far the best drama of ‘98.
After several more minutes of it all, the show was finally nearing its conclusion… a bittersweet realization for me, considering the fact that I was bored out of my mind, and yet… having all kinds of praise heaped at me every few minutes was a rather satisfying experience.
“-having garnered 7 nominations for the Oscars, Whiplash is still continuing its rather impressive run at the box office, having raked in $170 million worldwide since its premiere at the Sundance, it has made Ricky Stirling the youngest person to have ever been nominated for Best Director, and the first and only one to have secured 2 nominations in the same year, a feat for record book no doubt!”
Garret continued detailing my achievements in excruciating detail and… frankly I was no longer happy about it.
There comes a point in a person’s life when they are praised far too much… it might be well-deserved, but still… having them hear their own accomplishments again and again, knowing that millions of households are watching it… it was kinda embarrassing.
Frankly I wanted him to stop and luckily, Garret was nearly done with his ‘glorification’... I refuse to call it anything else.
Thank goodness for small mercies I suppose.
Comments
Matt
Gotta give the obligatory NOICE because yeah, glad to see you’ve continued a good story this long bud
