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Chapter 186 - For the Record
🕑 Added 2024-09-17 12:15:37 +0000 UTCSure enough, my worst fear – in this situation anyway – has been realized, as demonstrated by that same look of love in her eyes.
I was trying to free her from this.
“What happened?” I ask the pitch-black woman entwining herself around me – thankfully clothed at least. “I resisted it… I thought you would too, or at least would be able too…”
Izahne sighs deeply, her face pressed against my neck. “I tried. It got stronger though, so much stronger… I… I can’t even hate you now. I can’t, and I don’t want to, and I can’t even tell if it’s a compulsion anymore. I’m just… I’m so happy to be with you right now. This is where I’m supposed to be, here, like this…”
I absentmindedly return her embrace and she leans into it. I know she didn’t choose this, but it won’t do her any good now to reject her. I can already tell just from watching her that… well. Rejecting her now would just hurt her, and I’ve hurt her far too much to begin with.
…
How… how do I even begin to fix this?
I’ve trapped her again. Just like when I forced her into marriage… although arguably that’s been a good experience for me, aside from all the frustration and… and I don’t even know what emotions I felt, when she went missing.
When Ceto stole her.
But I took her back. She’s mine again now.
…
Maybe this is a blessing, really. She’ll never leave me again like this…
(And there’s more evidence that you’re a monster at heart,) Nyx cuts into my rumination.
I know. Even I can tell this is monstrous thinking, something no human or mortal or whatever would ever accept as ‘love’. Maybe I’m just afraid I’ll lose her again, the same way that Livvie lost me for all those centuries. I can’t imagine what she went through or felt from that, and it’s all because of the decisions I made.
(I guess you at least recognize that much. Going to do anything about it or just be satisfied being a terrible person?)
Nyx… that ship sailed when I Consumed millions of humans for no good reason other than blanket nihilism.
She projects a shrug back. (I know. How many was it again? Six million? Seven? I lost count.)
You know… I’m not even sure. I wasn’t counting to begin with, I don’t even know how many cities or whatever I Consumed.
(Not surprised.)
“What are you talking about?”
“Hm?”
I glance down at my wife, who I only now realize is watching me intently from our embrace.
“Nyx. I can always tell, you know. I told you that before.”
Her tone suggests that if her situation were any different, this might actually be bothering her, but all she manages to get across is curiosity.
But I’m not going to lie to her. Not now, not with everything we’ve been through, or that she’s been through because of me.
“I’d had a thought that if nothing else, the current situation makes it way less likely that I’ll ever lose you again like I did to that apparent ‘fish god’ thing. Nyx was rightfully chastising me for it.”
“That’s not what you thought,” my former Assistant replies, appearing in a burst of black feathers. “You thought that she’d never leave you like this, not that no one would be able to take her away.”
Side eyeing her I ask, “Isn’t it the same thing, more or less? That’s more what I’m worried about and you know it. I’ve spent a long time now just watching her from a distance. I’d already let her go, and now she’s back. Can you really blame me for feeling some amount of relief? I’ve been feeling that damnable compulsion too… and even though I’m resisting it well enough right now, at least enough to think clearly, it’s still there. It’ll probably always be there.”
“Well,” my wife huffs quietly into my chest, “I’m sorry I’m not thinking clearly then. I didn’t choose this either, but it’s fine. We can work with this, probably.”
Nyx cocks her head to one side. “You sure about that? Don’t lie to yourself, I know you hate this thing.”
A thing? A thing, am I?
Meanwhile, my wife just sighs and hugs me a little tighter.
***
Bad idea or not, Izzy has resumed our old nightly routine of insisting we rest together at my castle, in my definitely too large for one person bed.
Which is fine. I want her here.
…And somewhere in the back of my mind, regardless of whether it’s the compulsion, I think I might need her here too.
With me, and with Artemis.
My second first wife has thankfully made a full recovery, not a big surprise considering her problems were mostly related to her experiences as a torturer rather than me, uh. Taking a big bite out of her, like I did to my first first wife…
Arty is still healing though, in part thanks to resting more than anything and in part due to spending all her time in a heaven of some kind… whether it’s mine or her own.
…
It’s still a strange feeling to think that my plane, my home, is one of the heavens. It feels… disjointed. Maybe out of place.
But either way, here we are.
Caelum Astraea.
…
I just couldn’t resist naming it after myself. It seemed appropriate too, so I doubt anyone is going to complain. Well, other than the adventurers who’d built up routines to gain levels in specific dungeons, which have now all significantly increased in difficulty.
It’s the nature of divine spaces, I guess. Especially considering all these dungeons are tied directly to me, and I’m already significantly empowered being here in my heaven.
I’m not sure how that works, to be fair. Livvie is stronger in her own heaven, yes, but she’s also stronger here… is she stronger in her own than here? Am I stronger here than in hers?
I’ll need to test this. Eris’ plane won’t work for the experiment, considering it’s not even a heaven… although maybe as a… what was it called? Control group, I think? Gods, it’s been so long since I did any of this kind of research. It’s kind of funny to think that I’d been so haphazard with it before remembering… or, well. Merging. I, uh. Astraea used to do this often… Maybe it’s good that we both did, it’s something we have in common.
Really, I just want to understand some things. A lot of stuff still just doesn’t matter though.
My fox wife lets out a sigh in her sleep and settles a bit deeper against my left side, much as she always has. Meanwhile, Izzy actually hasn’t been sleeping for once… and is instead just quietly watching me, radiating gentle waves of affection through our link.
Peaceful.
It’s so peaceful.
…
…
Maybe this is why I was able to make it a full millennium with Olive, day after day after day on end. This peace. This contentment.
I meet her eyes and give her a small smile, a gesture that she mirrors before quietly sighing.
A happy sigh, I think.
She’s far more focused on me than I am on her though; my mind’s been wandering this entire time. And I’m sure she’s aware.
“What are you thinking about?” she whispers.
Yeah, she’s fully aware.
I wouldn’t be surprised if Arty is aware too, even in her sleep. But that’s fine.
Research, and how to do it better than I have. My home. Livvie’s home. What makes a heaven a heaven. Both of you… my past life. A lot of things, I suppose.
“Hmm…”
She’s been a lot less jealous of her counterpart ever since everything happened. Maybe the compulsion makes her more compliant, I don’t know. I’m not sure how to feel about it if it is.
…
Hey, I ask. Do you want your own plane?
The question seems to catch Izzy off balance, from the confused blink immediately answering me.
“I… hadn’t thought about it.” And then her emotions seem to take a nosedive. “Do… do you want me to leave? Are you trying to make me leave?”
“What? No!” I blurt a little louder than I mean to, causing the sleeping goddess on my other side to shift, although her quiet snoring continues.
Regaining my composure I continue, No. I absolutely don’t want you to leave. Stay with me. Stay with me forever. I want you here. I just… I thought you might want your own too. You’re a goddess now, you know. There are all sorts of traditions and assumptions mortals and other gods make of us… I just didn’t know. It seemed worth asking. Granted, even if you did, I have no idea where you’d get one.
…
She seems relieved at least, although what amounted to a desperate confession from me brought a deep gray blush to her face. Some things never change I suppose…
It’s adorable.
Actually feeling that is strange… another gift from Astraea, I suppose, and…
Well.
This compulsion… I have to admit, you know.
Izzy gazes deep into my eyes, looking like she’s only partially listening.
It’s not all bad. For me, anyway. These emotions it forces on me are strange, and I’m not sure I ever wanted them, but… they feel… good, I think. Very good. I want to feel them with you and for you. I don’t want to stop. Even resisting it as much as I am, it’s still there.
And there’s another small, quiet sigh.
“I hate that it forces me to feel this, but… I already felt it, you know. I hated you so much because I love you so much. That’s how much you hurt me. So I want you to work hard, okay? I’m alright with this, alright enough, but I need you to make it worth it. I didn’t have the opportunity to forgive you after proving you’re worth that forgiveness, so I need you to do it now. Please?”
I hold her a little closer. I’ll do my best, for you.
My wife snuggles against me. As sure as I am that the level of trust she has for me now is the compulsion, I don’t mind. That feels good too.
“You know,” she says into my chest in an even quieter whisper than before, “I wanted this. Do you have any idea how much I wanted you to feel even a taste of the love I felt for you, for me? And now you do, even if it’s implanted. You love me, you really do, and I can feel it.”
…
“So how could I think this is all bad? Even if it’s taken a compulsion on us both. I… don’t like that we were forced into it. But…”
Izzy trails off, locking her dewy eyes on mine.
And I know that look. I’ve seen it a lot…
So I silently tilt her face toward mine and touch my lips to hers.
…
…
This is fine.
I can live like this.
