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Board & Conquest 35: Slimony
🕑 Added 2025-03-18 08:11:58 +0000 UTCA/N: okay, so I accidentally released an early chapter on RR due to auto-update shenanigans so... I'm releasing another B&C chapter early to keep you patrons far in advance. Double update time!
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Raiding the vault proved to be very profitable.
Wepwawet and Victoire elected to examine the entire inventory before dealing with their potential new recruit. The hoard they found included a wealth of gold and silver coins, necklaces, statuettes, and jewelry worth a fortune when put together.
Besides Victoire’s new spear, Wepwawet also identified two particularly interesting artifacts. The first was a centuries-old, magically preserved tome bound in a cover of dragonscales. While lacking any particular enchantment besides the one preserving it from the ravages of time, Wepwawet quickly read through its contents in an instant and realized that it contained a wealth of spellcasting research; including how to create vaults like this one and alchemical slimes. This tome probably belonged to a court mage of some kind and would greatly benefit the likes of Wintresse or Renarde.
The other, most important find was a golden diadem with six ivory fangs for horns and engraved with a winged lion’s symbol. This crown’s magic put even the spear’s to shame.
Crown of Valentine
Category: Accessory (Crown)
Quality: S
Effect 1: Stat Booster (two spots): Grants +5 CHA and LCK to the wearer.
Effect 2: Royal Protection (two spots): Grants immunity to mental ailments, such as Charm or Madness.
Effect 3: Valentinian Authority: Allows the user to call and command the Questing Beast of Glatisant.
Restriction: The crown only grants its power to the properly ordained Monarch of Valentine.
The lost crown of Valentine, who overthrew its last mad king in a bloody revolt. Shame the mental protection didn’t work against self-inflicted derangements, right?
“What’s the Questing Beast of Glatisant?” Wepwawet asked Victoire.
“A creature said to represent the Valentinian Royal Family,” Victoire answered calmly. Both of them found it much easier to get past their very difficult earlier conversation when focusing on the vault’s treasures. “It’s only a legend.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure.” Considering how the Lunarians had turned out to be very real, Wepwawet would assume all of this world’s legends were true until demonstrably proven otherwise. “Can you put the crown on?”
Victoire hesitated an instant and then reluctantly placed the diadem on her head. The gold contrasted neatly with her blue hair, but while the crown’s magic subtly reacted to her, most of its power remained dormant.
“It looks good on you,” Wepwawet said, which only caused his Champion to adorably glare back at him. Victoire clearly hated being teased about her newfound royal status. “Do you feel any different?”
“Yes, I feel uncomfortable,” Victoire complained. “Can I take it off?”
“It seems the magic isn’t responding to you,” Wepwawet replied. “The crown’s description says the monarch must be properly ordained before it grants them its power.”
“Valentinian Monarchs were crowned in the royal capital of Saguenay’s cathedral, which is half a world away.” Victoire took off the crown and put it back on its pedestal. “Is there any other way to harness its power?”
“None that I can think of,” Wepwawet complained. The crown would have been a powerful piece of gear in Victoire’s hands. “Guess we’ll keep it stored away for now. It might come in handy one day.”
“So we’re finished… except for that thing.” Victoire glanced at the golden slime trapped in its flask. “You said it is some sort of living ooze?”
“One created by whoever wrote the grimoire,” Wepwawet confirmed. “Such creatures are usually mindless, but since only sentient creatures can become Champions this one should be an exception.”
“Usually?” Victoire raised an eyebrow. “Are creatures like this created often?”
“All the time! Half of a world’s monsters can usually be traced back to a wizard’s lab mishap.” And the other half to divine punishments, but Victoire was better off not knowing that detail. “I’ll trap it in ice should it prove hostile.”
“I would like to receive a Rank-Up beforehand, just in case.” Victoire scowled. “And please don’t tell me I’m eligible for a princess path or something.”
“Surprisingly not,” Wepwawet replied, though he guessed that was probably because Victoire hadn’t been properly ordained. “So… Snowheart?”
Victoire unsurprisingly nodded. Wepwawet couldn’t deny feeling a bit dejected at it, however much he tried to hide it. The thought of seeing his first and holiest Champion trying out the Paladin class appeared more and more unlikely. Their last conversation had only further hammered that nail in its coffin.
In fact, it gnawed at Wepwawet’s heart too. What kind of aspiring god couldn’t lift his first Champion’s spirit? He felt he was failing both Victoire and his divine duties in his inability to guide her in how to process the concept of death.
Maybe those cram school sessions Father mentioned could help with that, Wepwawet thought as he bathed Victoire in his holy light. I’m sure people like Allfather Odin or Lord Zeus would know better than I do.
Victoire Fleuret has ranked up in Snowheart! +3 STR, +3 AGI, +3 VIT, +4 SKI, +3 MAG, +3 INT, +4 CHA, +3 LCK! She gained the Weaponmaster II Perk!
Weaponmaster II: All Weapon Artifacts equipped inflict +5 Damage. This replaces Weaponmaster I.
Wepwawet also took the opportunity to record her new spear as an Artifact Miracle while at it, switching it out with the remaining copy of Boost Champion. The weapon was simply too good not to keep a record of it.
Quest: Relic Hunt III, completed! You’ve earned the Dragontooth Rank 9 Artifact Miracle.
Dragontooth Spear
Rank 9 Artifact
Unique. Conjures the Dragontooth Spear (quality A) at a designated spot.
Dragontooth Spear
Category: Weapon (Spear)
Quality: A
Bonus: + 17 STR
Accuracy: + 12 AV
Weight: 9
Effect 1: Dragonfang (two spots): Ignores half of a target’s vitality and Dragonscale’s damage resistance.
Effect 2: Returning Weapon: Returns to the user’s hand when called.
Effect 3: Flaming Weapon: Inflicts Fire damage.
A legendary dragon’s discarded toothpick (tooth included in the package), which humans eventually came to consider a sacred weapon.
New Quest: Relic Hunt IV
Acquire and bless a unique relic of cultural significance.
Reward: Artifact Miracle.
Wepwawet noticed two interesting trends. First of all, the Relic Hunt quest always renewed itself without any change and showed no increasing difficulty like all the others. Either it was simply a way for the System to validate all Artifact Miracles, or Wepwawet needed to complete hidden conditions to gain access to better quests.
Second, an Artifact’s quality rating heavily affected its associated Miracle’s ranking. Victoire’s B-ranked Magna-Shield was a rank 5 Miracle, while the A-ranked Torc of Grand-Loup and Dragontooth Spear were ranked 7 and 9 respectively. This implied that an S-ranked item like the Crown of Valentine would probably clock at Rank 10 or more, making them extremely costly to cast.
My issue is that all the higher-ranked Artifacts have been unique so far, so I can’t create more than one like I could with Sacred Weapon, Wepwawet thought. I shouldn’t clog my deck with too many of them. The only unique Artifacts worth recording are those most of my Champions could use in a pinch or those mighty enough to alter the course of entire battles on their own.
“Alright, I’m done,” Wepwawet told Victoire. “Let us interrogate our new Champion.”
Victoire nodded, grabbed the bottle, and then proceeded to spill out the contents of the container onto the floor. A high-pitched, bellowing sound immediately echoed throughout the Holy Vault in response.
Laughter.
“Mwahaha, fools! Fools! You’ve broken the seal!” The amber-colored slime expanded until it became as large as a pig, with black spots stretching on its surface to form a smiley-like visage. “For centuries I’ve laid dormant, plotting my escape from that silicate prison! Prostrate yourself before Slimon! First of all oozes, master of the boneless! The greatest nonvertebrate genius this world has ever seen!”
A short and awkward silence followed, with both Wepwawet and Victoire exchanging a glance in their shared confusion.
The ooze deflated, figuratively and literally. “Y-you don’t know me?”
“Should we?” Victoire asked, more confused than anything.
“You understand him?” Wepwawet inquired. Whatever language the slime spoke differed from Verglane’s common tongue.
“It’s Valentinian,” Victoire replied with a sigh. “Old, archaic Valentinian.”
“A-archaic? I’m at the cutting edge of grammastic advancement!” The slime hopped in place like a petulant child. “In fact, I invent new words all the time! Like slimetastic!”
Wepwawet scoffed. “That’s where the genius part comes from?”
“W-Why are you making it sound like it’s not an impressive achievement?!” The slime expanded slightly like a pressurized balloon, its color changing from yellow-orange to bright red. “I’ve invented stuff! Good stuff!”
“Like what?” Victoire asked with skepticism.
“Like…” The slime struggled to answer for a moment, its body paling until it came up with a solution. “A washing substance that, when mixed with hot water, cleans the skin of impurities!”
“Soap?” Victoire squinted at the slime in disbelief. “You’ve invented soap?”
“Yes! And that paper thing you humanoids use to wipe that portable sewer hole organ in your behind!” The slime’s spot-eyes squinted in an expression that oozed smugness. “What do you say to that, huh? Huh?!”
Oh, I get it, it’s the compensating-for-their-size type of Champion. Wepwawet wondered when he would encounter one of those. Miss Athena had extensively briefed her students on how to treat those kinds of troublemakers.
Whatever the case, Victoire didn’t look impressed either. “Why would the inventor of soap end up trapped in a flask?”
“Because I was betrayed! Betrayed!” The slime reddened once again. “My assistant, Ingsworth, envious of my superior intellect and innovative approach to science, cast an all-powerful spell that trapped me in that unbreakable prison!”
Wepwawet didn’t detect any magic in the flask nor found it particularly difficult to break, but Victoire blinked in surprise. “Ingsworth? The archmage?” she asked, her voice laced with disbelief. “You knew him?”
“Of course I did, he creat—discovered me! That hominid still owes me money!”
“Archmage Ingsworth advised King Valentine I, who went on to found the eponymous kingdom,” Victoire informed Wepwawet. “If this slime tells the truth, then he has been around for at least six centuries.”
“I-if I’m telling the truth?” the slime complained. “Are you still doubting me?”
“Of course not, blessed Slimon,” Wepwawet said, sensing his chance for a recruitment speech. “I am Wepwawet, god of this land. I came to this place lured by a powerful mind worthy of divine inspiration.”
“W-what, really?” the slime brightened, literally. His skin turned so golden he might as well have transformed into a pile of actual gold. “I mean, yes, of course the heavens would recognize my peerless genius!”
“I have descended from the sky itself to give you a holy mission,” Wepwawet said while Victoire rolled her eyes. “A great danger threatens this land I watch over, and only a brilliant mind may light the way to our victory!”
“Say no more, sir!” Slimon replied with enthusiasm. “Gimme a lab worthy of my non-euclidian intellect, and I shall put the fire of victory in a bottle!”
This went easier than Wepwawet expected. He had expected Slimon to doubt his divinity or ask for proof, but the ooze appeared to take the possibility that a god would show up to recruit it for granted.
My stepmother was right, many mortals would kill for a compliment. Wepwawet swiftly claimed Slimon as his Champion and checked his stats. Let's see what he’s worth.
Wepwawet reread Innovation I, then checked Slimon’s stats and ran a quick calculation in his head.
The slime had three chances out of four to fail at everything.
I can guess why this Ingsworth found this Slimon’s ‘innovative approach to science’ worthy of imprisonment, Wepwawet thought after reading the Failure Tolerance I perk. Then again, it can create almost anything one-fourth of the time.
Wepwawet could put Slimon to work at creating prototypes which more consistent crafters could then mass-produce. Plus, it was bound to know a few interesting secrets if it had survived for over half a millennium.
“Okay, okay, I feel the inspiration flowing already!” Slimon said the moment Wepwawet empowered him with Skill: Masterworker. “How about a… a mushroom bomb?! Like a bomb that turns hominids into mushrooms, whose spores infect other hominids?! How does that sound?!”
Ah, and here came Miss Athena’s Mushroom Rule: “As a world’s technology level improves, the probability of a weapon resembling nuclear bombs appearing approaches one.” Wepwawet had hoped he wouldn’t have to deal with it for a few centuries at the very least.
“Sounds like you’ll need peace and quiet to make it a reality!” Wepwawet replied while mentally looking for the most remote and isolated room he could find in Promesse. The further away the slime’s laboratory was from populated areas, the better. “Out of curiosity, how do you feel about safety procedures?”
“Contemptuous, sir!”
Figures.
—----
True to Wepwawet’s command, his Champions worthy of Rank-Up showed up on time at the Promesse Altar to receive their blessings. Wepwawet was happy to see Lourson and Goreville among them, though the former would probably have to pace himself for a few days until he fully recovered from his previous wounds.
Most of their choices of Rank-Up didn’t surprise him all that much. Filou obviously chose to continue down the path of the Squire, while Alpine, Lourson, and Viviane wished to further their skills in their Barkeep, Blacksmith, and Ranger Classes respectively. As for Mistouffe, she immediately asked to Rank-up Twice in Merchant the moment Wepwawet informed her she could.
The only Champions that hesitated about their choices were Goreville and Sagesse, since those two could either choose to strengthen their own innate wereling Classes or continue down the path of the Vanguard or that of the Numerologist. Goreville eventually settled on strengthening his Werewolf side in an attempt to honor his god and lupine heritage, while Sagesse straight-up asked Wepwawet which choice would benefit their community more.
“There is no right or wrong path, but we have many wereowls, and only one mistress of numbers,” Wepwawet had said, after which Sagesse immediately chose Numerologist.
Filou has ranked up in Squire! +3 STR, +3 AGI, +3 VIT, +3 SKI, +3 MAG, +3 INT, +3 CHA, +3 LCK! He gained the Rider Apprentice I Perk!
Rider Apprentice I: You can ride a Rank 1 monstrous creature or animal without splitting your attention, allowing you to attack at the same time.
Alpine has ranked up in Barkeep! +4 STR, +1 AGI, +3 VIT, +4 SKI, +2 MAG, +2 INT, +3 CHA, +4 LCK! She gained the Bar Fighter I Perk!
Bar Fighter I: All items used as weapons inflict +1 Damage, including furniture and improvised projectiles; the bonus doubles against intoxicated opponents.
Goreville has ranked up in Werewolf! +3 STR, +3 AGI, +4 VIT, +4 SKI, +3 MAG, +1 INT, +4 CHA, +3 LCK! He gained the Lupine Regeneration I Perk!
Lupine Regeneration I: You always benefit from a Regen effect at night; however, the effect is suppressed for one hour if you are struck by a silver weapon.
Lourson has ranked up in Blacksmith! +3 STR, +1 AGI, +4 VIT, +3 SKI, +4 INT, +1 CHA, +1 LCK! He gained the Smith Insight Perk!
Smith Insight: You can automatically identify the properties of any metal weapon that you see, ignoring related checks; this also includes metallic Artificial creatures with offensive purposes.
Viviane Coeurdelion has ranked up in Ranger! +2 STR, +4 AGI, +1 VIT, +5 SKI, +1 MAG, +2 INT, +4 LCK! She gained the Field Trip I Perk!
Field Trip I: You take no penalty from Terrain effects.
Mistouffe has ranked up in Merchant, twice in a row! +4 STR, +4 AGI, +4 VIT, +6 SKI, +4 MAG, +4 INT, +8 CHA, +10 LCK! She gained the Bag of Holding I and Costcutter I Perks!
Bag of Holding I: You can ignore the carrying weight of one item per Rank; items with the lowest weight are given priority.
Costcutter I: The mana cost of Artifacts Miracles cast on this Champion is reduced by 1.
Sagesse has ranked up in Numerologist! +2 STR, +2 AGI, +2 VIT, +3 SKI, +2 MAG, +2 INT, +4 CHA, +5 LCK! She gained the Spell: Level 3 Madness Perk!
Spell: Level 3 Madness: Tier III Arithmancy. Inflicts the Madness ailment on all foes with a Rank with a multiple of 3 within a ten meters radius, ignoring Evasion; other enemies are unaffected.
Wepwawet overwrote the now outdated Longstrider in most cases where the new Perk came in excess, and overwrote Treasure Hunter for Alpine and Mistouffe since he could always teach them the Perk again after they tested out their new abilities. This only left the case of Sagesse.
“I can grant you the power to drive your enemies mad with numbers, but that will come at the cost of your ability to see in the dark, some of your mathematical skill, the range of your spells, or your slowing spell itself,” Wepwawet warned her.
“That is quite the arbitrary pick,” Sagesse noted. “Why would my nightsight and ability to count stand equal?”
Blame the System, I would love to stack bonuses on you all. “A mortal’s soul and body are a fragile equilibrium. Think of it as a delicate series of additions and subtractions to reach a perfectly round number.”
“I wonder about the arcane physics involved on your end, Your Divine Majesty.” Sagesse considered the proposal for a moment before making her choice. “My sight has already been declining due to age anyway, so I suppose I could part with some of it. A pair of magnifying glasses ought to compensate.”
Good call. Sagesse’s area-of-effect spells didn’t need her to see the targets to affect them, so improved eyesight didn’t particularly benefit her. Wepwawet switched her Owlsight I Perk for Spell: Level 3 Madness and called it a day.
Now that he had ranked-up all eligible Champions and would let them test out their new abilities, Wepwawet turned his attention elsewhere. He had found a good use for Promesse’s royal treasure and a potential source of new Champions for the war with the magmorians.
“Cynisca,” Wepwawet said upon telepathically contacting his Champion. He quickly located the giantess counting her coins in her war tent outside Promesse’s walls.
“What’s up, Boss?” Cynisca replied out loud, weighing her coins on a giant-sized scale with the appropriate weights as a counterbalance. She didn’t sound particularly surprised to hear him telepathically contact her without warning. “Or is it Ex-Boss now? Are we renewing our contract?”
“Well, I recall that your warband was only a small part of a much larger giant mercenary company, correct?”
“Yup, I was about to go back with my group and boast about our pay to Boss Jarlack once I finished weighing it up.” Wepwawet could sense her greed flaring up in anticipation. “Why?”
Wepwawet smirked ear to ear on his end of the line. “How much would it cost to hire the rest of you?”
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Comments
Sam
Zeus would probably tell Wepy to shag her
George R
Thanks for the chapter
