VoidHerald
patreon
Board & Conquest 65: Cousinade
🕑 Added 2025-05-31 08:06:54 +0000 UTC-----
“That bird bastard!” Wepwawet complained. “I can’t believe he parked a pyramid in my backyard!”
“At least he didn’t shit on your windshield,” Artemis quipped back, which earned her a glare from Wepwawet. “Sorry, I couldn’t help it.”
“I didn’t expect him to send a flying pyramid of all things,” Ganesha said. “Do you think he has more than one?”
“I don’t know!” Wepwawet complained. The mere knowledge that his cousin—who had made no secret of their enmity—had access to a floating base capable of transporting a small army anywhere on Elphion disturbed him to his core. “How did he even get one in the first place?! I thought his civilization was on an island!”
“Could be a floating continent, we had a few of those flying around on Earth,” Artemis pointed out as they walked. “One of my civ’s flying Kaijus carries a tower on his head and somehow it doesn’t fall off.”
“How are things going on your end, by the way?” Wepwawet asked. “Did the first weapon shipment arrive?”
“Oh yes, it did!” Artemis pumped her fist. “My followers can finally take the fight back to those colonial parasites on our shores!”
“I’m so glad we’re almost done opening the pass between my civ and Wepy’s. I can’t wait for some troublemakers to move out…” Ganesha cleared his throat. “Sorry.”
“No offense taken,” Wepwawet replied. Ganesha might very well be the first deity happy to lose potential worshipers. “Considering what Lavaland is going through, I think you have a good opportunity to recruit among them.”
“Well…” Ganesha scratched the back of his head. “While I’m not interested in managing Lavaland, I kinda want to participate in the Miracle contest. Your dad’s suggestions have made them a little less unbearable, but I can only take giants in small doses. The competition should be a neat publicity stunt, and let me introduce myself to the magmorians.”
“Maybe we could team up then?” Wepwawet suggested with a chuckle. The idea of partnering up with his best friend appealed to him. “We can floor Alexandrite with the spectacle we put up for the school last year.”
“You don’t have the Miracles for it,” Artemis teased them as they stopped in front of a building. “Anyway, we’re here!”
Now that they all had enough Altars to manifest their avatars outside the classroom, Artemis had suggested hitting her half-brother’s gym to blow off some steam; an offer which Wepwawet took her up on. He needed to clear his mind after his cousin’s stunt.
Herc’s Gym, as the building was called, was a mountain-sized spire of glass and steel that oversaw all of Nexus City. Although gods had little need for exercise, fitness remained a pleasurable experience. Herc’s Gym was the most popular spot for deities looking to test their strength and a haven for sports lovers. Wepwawet and his friends often used to visit it after class.
The trio entered the place and climbed all the way to the 30th floor, their favorite. The decorations matched the owner’s Greco-Roman aesthetic, with stylized marble statues of famous Champions like Achilles, Theseus, Perseus, and more near every planet bench. It included a pool with a fountain near the rows of state-of-the-art star-powered running machines and other devices. Dozens of gods from multiple pantheons gathered here to celebrate the cult of the body, from the Shinto powerhouse Hachiman to Artemis’ half-brother Ares.
Hercules, alias Heracles—he had changed his name after his dad divorced his wife for the first time—greeted the trio there.
“Arty!” he said with a booming voice that reminded Wepwawet of Lord Zeus. “It’s been so long, sis!”
Hercules was almost the spitting younger image of his father, with his bronze-polished mighty muscles capable of benching entire solar systems and the manliest beard the heavens would ever know. He almost always went shirtless, wearing only an aerodynamic hydrascale loincloth and a lionskin towel hanging from his shoulders.
“Far too long!” his half-sister replied as Hercules grabbed her in his strong arms and whirled her around. “Did you miss me?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe!” Hercules gently put her down and then shook hands with both Ganesha and Wepwawet in quick succession. The god of strength’s grip was always the perfect balance of confidence without being oppressive. “I thought I would have to cancel your subscription.”
“Sorry,” Ganesha apologized on everyone’s behalf. “We swear we’ll pick up the slack.”
“No worries, Arty told me all about your troubles on Elphion.” Hercules winked at Wepwawet in that ‘cool older brother’ way that never failed to warm the heart. “Good job kicking that lizard Whiro off the planet, Wepy.”
“Thanks, Herc,” Wepwawet replied. Hercules always insisted on being called that. “I think the exercise helped a bit.”
“I’m glad it did! I do miss wrestling with titanspawn with my bare hands rather than my Miracles.” Hercules cracked his knuckles. “Well, punch one or two for me, would ya?”
Hercules was a prime example of a mortal Champion and Commander who had risen through the ranks to become a local deity and then a lord of the Nexus; a path which the likes of Sun Wukong eventually followed. Artemis once told Wepwawet that her half-brother had opened up his gym so he wouldn’t forget his mortal roots nor the love of good effort after ascending to divinity.
In any case, Herc had kept the group’s lockers ready for them, so they quickly changed into their workout clothes with a snap of their fingers and then got to exercising. Artemis and Wepwawet immediately went to the treadmills while Ganesha decided to practice some aqua aerobics.
While Artemis was something of a hardcore cardio-running fanatic and Ganesha mostly focused on pilates, yoga, and dancing, Wepwawet represented the middle ground between his friends. He liked to do exercises to clear his head, especially after being forced to spend so long in a spiritual avatar form, but wasn’t especially passionate about it. So while Artemis set her treadmill’s speed to ‘massively hypersonic,’ Wepwawet settled on a more comfortable supersonic pace.
It let him clear his head and think about the upcoming miracle contest.
Should I show off my best Miracles then? He wondered. Using the Divine Avatar involved moving his Idol to Lavaland, which would not only present a logistical hurdle but also force him to risk himself. His fight with Whiro had proved that avatars, while powerful, weren’t invincible; and moving his linchpin on Elphion near a group of foreign Champions was a surefire way of inviting an assassination attempt. I can’t risk it, which leaves Neigebleue Castle… but a teleporting castle won’t look that amazing next to that bastard Horus’ flying pyramid!
Would parading his dragons work? The princess asked for a display of divine power, but she never said Champions couldn’t contribute…
“Wepy, look,” Artemis said, drawing him out of his thoughts. “To your left.”
Wepwawet glanced to the side in time to see an unfortunately familiar face on the treadmill next to his.
Horus.
Horus was here.
His cousin, whom he had never seen in their gym before, all but leaped onto the machinery completely shirtless, his feathered muscles rippling with strength. His hand smashed the lightspeed button without pause, his legs running so fast human eyes wouldn’t even perceive his presence. He paid no mind to his neighbors—even though there was no way he hadn’t noticed them—and glared at the television screen ahead of him. The device showcased the latest episode of that Apocalypse Tamer drama that Artemis loved so much to all runners to keep them entertained during exercise.
“He’s provoking us…” Artemis complained, her competitive spirit ignited by the brazen challenge. “That bastard is provoking us!”
“Arty–” Wepwawet said, but his friend immediately hit the lightspeed button and began to run at a pace matching that of Horus. Her spitfire heart could never back down from a challenge.
Wepwawet himself tried to focus on his pace. If his cousin wanted to run, then let him run. This gym was open to all and he had nothing—nothing—to prove. He just needed some mental space.
Something which, unfortunately, became very difficult to manage as more and more gym-goers gathered to observe what had now turned into an outright competition between Horus and Artemis. Wepwawet eventually grew sick of the shouts and whistles, so he stopped running and went to the weightlifting area.
Wepwawet managed to clear his mind, pushing weights with the density of moons in silence… for about five minutes until Horus somehow found his way to the bench next to his own and began to move dumbbells heavier than planets. Artemis was still running on her treadmill, far too focused on running to her own mental finish line to notice her opponent had left.
Others did, though, especially the female gymgoers who began to swoon all over Horus as he benched a colossal barbell carved from the remains of dead planets, his muscles sweating mana.
Although a crowd of fangirls flocked to him, Horus paid them no attention and sent Wepwawet an oblique glare of silent defiance. Wepwawet could almost read the message written in his gaze. ‘Yes, this is a god of strength and victory’s full package. What are you gonna do about it with your noodle arms?’
Ganesha, who was in between exercises, noticed the commotion and briefly stopped to warn his friend. “Don’t pay any attention, Wepy,” he said. “He’s just trying to throw you off your game.”
“I’m not paying attention!” Wepwawet protested, his best friend giving him the look. “He’s the one hounding me!”
“Because it gets a reaction out of you. You should go to the yoga class and practice detachment sometimes.”
Ganesha was always a wise friend, but his words sometimes fell on deaf ears. Like right now.
“I’m just gonna take a shower,” Wepwawet replied as he left. He had spent so long without an avatar that stretching out his muscles tired him out quickly.
He walked away from the main room and into the showers, allowing water to flow over his fur and skin as he let out a peaceful sigh… until he heard steps come up behind him.
Oh, come on! Wepwawet looked over his shoulder in annoyance to find his cousin taking his own shower as well. The two of them were thankfully alone, perhaps because his fans had lost interest or had the decency not to follow him in here. This is stalking!
Horus didn’t say anything, but he was very careful to painstakingly cover his skin with oil to better showcase his impressive musculature. This had to be either psychological warfare or some deep-seated inferiority complex, making him obsessed with showing him up.
However… there was one spot which Horus conspicuously tried to hide from Wepwawet’s view. As a god of scouting, he easily peeked at just the right angle to take a look… and then struggled to hold back his laughter.
“Bird schlong,” was all he had to say.
Horus immediately turned and pushed him against the wall, his shoulder pushing against his cousin’s throat. A surprised Wepwawet barely had time to grab his rival’s other arm and push against his beak as they struggled against each other.
“You bastard!” Horus snapped angrily. “You think you’re better than me?! That you can take my birthright like it’s nothing?!”
“What the—I didn’t do anything!” Wepwawet protested. He didn’t ask for anything, and everyone was out for his blood anyway! “Your mother tried to kill me because she didn’t believe in you!”
“Shut up! I know your father spread rumors to entrap her!” A flash of guilt must have passed on Wepwawet’s face, because his cousin’s eyes immediately widened in recognition. “I knew it!”
“I didn’t ask him to!” Wepwawet wasn’t sure he even wanted Grandpa Ra’s heirship! “Plus, your birthright? It’s not even your decision to make, you entitled pigeon!”
“Wrestling my inheritance back from your father nearly cost me an eye, but I did it,” Horus said with malice. “The same way I’m going to take Lavaland from you!”
So it was a petty shot at Wepwawet! “Just try! I’m gonna take your pyramid and stick up your a–”
The sound of a foot hitting water echoed across the showers, with both cousins’ heads snapping in its direction.
Hercules had entered the room, a towel around his manly parts, and his gaze… his gaze sent chills down Wepwawet’s spine. The two cousins suddenly realized how they looked: like two naked gods, pressed against each other in the showers, with their hands in each other’s inappropriate places.
Horus immediately released him, but the damage was already done.
“It’s not what it looks like!” Wepwawet immediately said, which he realized only sounded even guiltier.
“We’re cousins!” Horus protested. “You can’t be gay with your cousin!”
“That’s okay,” Hercules replied with a warm smile that only made it worse. “I fucked my half-sister, I’m not judging.”
Oh my gods… Wepwawet thought, wishing he could die of shame right now.
“As my dad always said…” Hercules winked at them, clearly taking delight in their unease. “If you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it in the family.”
Oh my gods! Wepwawet winced at the same time as Horus. He’s his father’s son!
“What happens in the shower stays in the shower,” Hercules said as he unfolded his towel and let the shower water flow onto him. “Just come clean once you decide to make a move on my sister, Wepy. She’s still running for you.”
But he didn’t… he didn’t…
Argh, this was so embarrassing, but Wepwawet knew anything he said would fall on deaf ears! The only silver lining was that Horus was equally shamed, and the two of them meekly left the showers together to get dressed at the lockers. An awkward silence followed as the two of them looked over their shoulders out of fear that anybody else had seen the… the misunderstanding.
“We shall never speak of this to anyone,” Horus said bluntly with a tone that brooked no disobedience.
“Agreed,” Wepwawet replied as his cousin smacked his locker shut. He hesitated a moment before deciding now might be the best time to have a long overdue talk. “Horus.”
His cousin glared at him, but didn’t walk away.
“I had nothing to do with my dad’s scheme,” Wepwawet said. “Same way your mother dragged you into this.”
He half-expected Horus to snort in disdain or disbelief, but he simply studied Wepwawet with that scared eye of his, analyzing his expression for any sign of lie or deceit. He seemed to believe Wepwawet, much to the latter’s surprise.
“It doesn’t change anything,” Horus finally decided with a hint of resignation. “I have to outshine you now or Grandpa Ra might disinherit me.”
“But we can’t afford to waste time and mana bickering!” Wepwawet protested. As much as he disliked Horus and wasn’t particularly looking forward to him possibly inheriting the Egyptian Pantheon’s throne, this pointless family feud had interfered with the fight for Elphion long enough. “We’re just playing into the Titans’ hands!”
“I know!” Horus snapped back at him with genuine anger, his fist hitting his locker so hard it bent. “I’m sick of my parents’ attempts at pushing me forward behind my back! I can win on my own!”
His response took Wepwawet aback. He had suspected his cousin was under pressure from his mother to inherit the throne, but the mention of parents—as in plural—made him suspect he might be facing worse conditions than Wepwawet himself was. At least neither his mother nor Astarte ever pushed him into pursuing the family feud.
“Can’t we just sit this one out then?” Wepwawet asked, with Horus squinting in skepticism. “I mean, neither of us are even sure if we’ll last all the way to the final Incursion. So many things could expel us from Elphion before we could settle the score.”
“There is a way to settle this.” Horus crossed his arms. “Just give up on the heirship.”
“What?” Wepwawet choked. “I, uh…”
Giving up the heirship? That sounded absurd, but Wepwawet began to wonder. His mother had asked him if he wanted the throne, and he couldn’t answer her back then. The idea of inheriting Grandpa Ra’s throne never crossed his mind until Isis inadvertently sabotaged her son.
But his father would never accept it if he simply surrendered the crown to Horus without a fight. He was still sore about his feud with his brother Osiris and the idea that his son would just give up against the family’s sworn foe… Wepwawet knew he wouldn’t take it well.
“Your dad won’t let you, am I right?” Horus guessed. He studied Wepwawet for a moment and took his silence for confirmation. “If you can’t stand up to your father, how can you hope to rule a pantheon?”
Wepwawet grit his teeth. That hit far too close to him. “I can stand up to my father!”
“Can you?” Horus snorted, clearly not believing him. “Doesn’t matter. I need better grades, so I still need Lavaland’s Altars and Champions. I can’t surrender them without a fight.”
Wepwawet snorted. “So that’s all mortals and their lands are to you? Grades to fill on a sheet?”
Now it was Horus’ turn to wince. His rival clenched his fist, but failed to come up with a good answer; probably because, for all of his faults, Horus was too proud to lie. He instead stormed off without a word, stewing on the question.
Wepwawet sighed as he closed his locker and mulled over that discussion. That bird bastard did have a point. He ought to be able to stand up to his dad, whether it was on the question of Grandpa Ra’s inheritance or Elphion’s future. Nobody would respect a god without a spine.
Did he even want the heirship? And if not… how could he break the news to his dad in a gentle enough way that he wouldn’t destroy their home in a tempestuous tantrum?
“Trouble in the pyramid?” a woman’s voice asked.
Wepwawet immediately recognized it even before he glanced at the other end of the locker room. A marvelously attractive redheaded young goddess stood with her back against a nearby wall, arms crossed. She was a curvaceous and lovely creature whose mere sight would have caused most mortals to fall down in adoration and die for her favor—which some did. Her eyes were as golden as the pair of calf-like golden horns rising from both sides of her head, while her lustrous skin was akin to pure bronze. Although she usually preferred lascivious robes over her current gym outfit, she breathed both danger and sexuality at all times.
Ishtar wasn’t their class’ most popular goddess among boys for nothing.
“Ishtar?” Wepwawet asked in surprise, having never seen her here before. “You have a gym subscription?”
“Of course I hit the gym. I’m a goddess of war and love, you can make both here.” She stroked her hair and let sweat fall off her horns. “I usually work out at Nikke’s All-Girls Gym down the street away from my many admirers, but I wanted to talk to you outside the classroom.”
“Couldn’t you wait for tomorrow’s group meeting?” Wepwawet asked before squinting. “Oh… I think I see how it is.”
“Now you’re getting it,” Ishtar replied with a cunning smile. “I thought we could count our votes ahead of time. See if our goals match.”
“Well, you’ll have to wait,” Wepwawet replied with a shrug. “I’ve had my fill of Nexus intrigue, and you’ve got nothing that interests me.”
“Actually, sweetpup… I think I do.” Ishtar absentmindedly stroked her hair. “Word is that you’re looking for a Miracle to raise your late Champions from the dead…”
She smiled ear to ear, knowing she had his full attention.
“It just so happens,” Ishtar said with a carnivorous smirk, “that I’ve got one to trade.”
------
Comments
Thisul Mendis
Thanks for the chapter!
George R
Great chapter
Sam
Horus is typically depicted as a man with the head of a bird, so he would still have a schlong. I think weppy is also just a man with the head of a wolf as in the chapter he said the water ran through his fur and skin
anon
how... how does that even work? Most birds dont even have a schlong... like the overwhelming majority. Falcons - the bird parts of horus - certainly don't. but weppy calls it a schlong... which seems very odd for a cloaca.
Diego Urbina
Ugh, not cool Wepy. Hitting below the belt. 😅
Pride
Damn, Horus has a bird head AND a bird schlong. Poor guy…
ioajfidsnmfomds77
Wepy has an auto-win button to any future arguments with Horus. Bird schlong is a knock out punch
Val
"latest episode of that tamer drama Artemis loved so much to all the gym’s patrons" love the reference but again the phrasing doesn't work
Publius Decius Mus
It's happening! The pigeon and the pup are going to kick some serious titan ass!
Val
"He almost always went shirtless except for an aerodynamic hydrascale loincloth" doesn't make sense. "Shirtless" should be naked or you could rephrasit to "He almost always went shirtless only wearing an aerodynamic hydrascale loincloth"
mhaj58
Thank goodness I outgrew gym memberships and developed my own workout program, working out with friends can be fun, but it’s about self care and sometimes one bad person overcomes 3 good ones. Can’t wait to see the family reunion. Osiris should be a very entertaining character
Void Herald
It's a reference to my Apocalypse Tamer series ;)
Void Herald
Horus and Wepy are a lot more alike than eithet would like to admit ;)
Azgaroth
Thank for the chapter. That chapter was WEIRD!!!! No other way to say it..... But i think that was funny....
Shakyamunie
The mental gymnastics of complaining about the pressure your parents put on you and then saying to your rival that he can't be the boss if he can't stand against his dad is actually impressive... They ARE still kids, even when they're millenias old beings.
gostsamo
Glorious chapter. > “I didn’t ask him to!” Wepwawet wasn’t sure he even wanted Grandpa Ra’s heirship! “Plus, your birthright? It’s not even your decision to make, you entitled pigeon!” the perfect place to use it "birdright" the scene under the shower would stay in the legends, and in the myths... ps: is the tamer drama a reference to another story? looking for a recommendation here, because haven't found one that I like recently.
