SuziBean
patreon
Life Update
🕑 Added 2023-06-09 06:35:17 +0000 UTCHey everyone, it's been a long time since I posted anything here on Patreon. Life got the better of me.
I haven't really been posting anywhere. I haven't been drawing. I haven't been writing. I've just been depressed.
I've been depressed from missing my partner due to the pandemic for the last four years. I've been depressed from my father passing away last summer. I've been depressed from all of the anti-trans and LGBT legislation at large. Long story short, I've just been too exhausted from existing to focus on art, and that has compounded my depression even further killing my motivation to do art.
It has been a struggle. The largest impact from last year has been the loss of my father. He died last year on the 4th of June, on the complete other side of the country. It was two days after I had taken him to the airport and sent him off to his government related job, like I had done many times before.
It was just another day, mom was golfing for ladies league and he was as jovial as ever. He romantically said goodbye to my mother the day I took him to the airport. That in the moment seemed, not uncharacteristic, but it was rather rare for him to do that in front of others, especially when it involved catching my mom on one of the tees near the Club house.
The next day I would be awoken to by a voicemail from my mom. Dad was going into the hospital for an emergency surgery; I had no context whatsoever. I called her immediately and asked what was going on. She had no idea either, but was expecting a call from the doctor. We ended the call a little early; the doctor was calling her that moment. I think it was maybe 5 minutes later when she called me back, in a tone and cadence I had never heard before.
"Suzi; the Doctor said Dad isn't going make it," she said through sobbing. I was in shock to say the least. I asked her if there was anything I could do; did she need me? She told me no. But, that didn't stop me. I went over to my parents house immediately. I spent the next couple of hours with her, as well as being on the phone with my brother. He called me immediately after Mom had called him, and he was already on his way to their house too.
The next couple of hours went by so quickly. My brother Kyle, and my half-brothers Sean and Kelly, did everything they could to get Mom to Syracuse, where Dad was stuck; alone and dying. Sean and Kelly booked her a flight from Salt Lake City that was set for the early morning, and Kyle drove her there from Boise to get her on it. The three of them would follow to miraculously schedule their own flights so that they could get to Dad as well...
Me...? I stayed behind. Mom needed someone to stay behind and take care of their geriatric dog Brenna, and I have always been their go-to child. I didn't want to go anyway... I.. I didn't want to see Dad at his worst; the other day I had just seen him at his (seemingly) best. I.. couldn't handle that.
The people and doctors who were taking care of my dad, managed to keep him going on life-support until Mom and my brothers were able to make it. Through some cosmic miracle, my brother Kelly's daughter Alexis was able to be his head nurse during all of this. Alexis is a nurse technician; I haven't seen her in many years due to her mother and her siblings growing up in NY state, but thank goodness he had one of his granddaughters there to help him stay with us; even if it was just long enough to say goodbye.
"He's gone."
The text from Kyle later that night... I cried all night.
A month later we would celebrate his life at the Club house. There were a lot of people I barely remember and many more I didn't care to remember, but all of them knew me because of Dad. He really believed in me and what I am capable of with my art, he told everyone he met and it was... strange. Nice, but strange.
Losing him has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I have gone through the death of a family member before; but this was my Dad. He was a protector even when I didn't want him to be, and now that he is gone... I've never been more scared. I wish he was still here to let me know everything will be alright... He was a blunt and often foolish man, but his heart was bigger than any person I have ever met and he's where I'm sure I inherited my empathy from.
I miss you Dad.
If you made it this far thank you for taking the time to read through this life update. I am trying really hard to find my motivation once more, and I will have something new to share soon.
~Suzi
Comments
Buxbi
Love you, Suzi. Please, no matter how long you need, focus on yourself and your health while dealing with all this. Things like this can take a long time to heal and it's very important to make sure you give it the the it needs to do so (I know, I've been there) <3
Draccy
My utmost condolences, Suzi. If you're able to get back in to your old groove, that's great, but it's also completely understandable if it takes longer or doesn't happen.
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