TheLycanthropeClub
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We Deliver Anywhere!
🕑 Added 2020-04-05 06:07:07 +0000 UTCHayes shut the water off and flicked his hands above the stainless steel sink. The little drops of water made surprisingly loud 'plopping' sounds as they hit the metal. He tore a paper towel from a dispenser above the sink and wiped his hands dry. He turned to leave but paused momentarily to check himself in the mirror. His raven-black short cut hair was still combed, his taut cheeks and chin, while lined with stubble, were not dirty or disheveled and his small nose ring was not misaligned. He tugged at his faded black shirt for good measure and, satisfied, nudged the door open with his shoulder and left the bathroom.
The kitchen was just as he had left it; which, considering the fact he was the only one working in it, wasn't terribly surprising. Hayes gazed, almost forlornly, at the rows of sunken trays filled with chopped vegetables and meats, the larger tray of sauce, the stacks of thick plastic boxes filled with slabs of pizza dough, the spices, the flour, the gigantic oven on the opposite wall - everything. He could just make out the muted melody of the audio system in the dining area. He sighed and reached for an apron hanging on a hook on the wall. He slipped on a pair of clear plastic gloves and checked on all of the toppings. He checked the computer for online orders. There were none. Hayes stood there for a minute or so, idly tapping his foot, and then walked out of the kitchen.
The warmly-lit dining area was empty save for a couple and two younger girls sitting in a far booth; they were close to finishing their meal. All of the other two dozen or so tables were bare and unoccupied. The tiny corner arcade near the front entrance was also deserted, the two cabinets and single skill-tester humming away in attract mode. Overhead, three ceiling fans lazily turned. Hayes gazed out the windows and saw that the streets - now illuminated by street lights - were crowded. He looked up at the clock, back at the restaurant.
"Hey, Julienne," he said.
The short blonde and pink-dye haired teenage girl at the cash register leapt in her seat.
"Jeez, uh, sorry," she laughed nervously, turning around.
"Yeah, I know, I'm really scary," said Hayes in a deadpan voice. "Any orders?"
"Uh, nope."
"You sure?"
The girl hesitated. "Um, lemme check." She turned back to the computerized cash register. She clicked the mouse a couple of times. "Nnnnope. I was sure to check the online order tab AND the, uh, other tab this time. AND I made sure the network is working. Sorry about that."
Hayes hesitated, took a step forward, and then stopped, sighing.
"Yeah, I would've seen it on the monitor in the kitchen," he said morosely. "It's just been so...quiet I just wanted to make sure there wasn't some technical issue."
Julienne turned around and shrugged.
"Well, to be fair it's not any busier than it usually is," she said gesturing around the room.
"No, no, it's Saturday night and all the students are still in town, there should be something," said Hayes. "I mean, there aren't even any delivery orders."
"But I can't drive," pointed out Julienne meekly. "I mean, my parents won't let me until next year after...you know. And if you were gone, well..."
"If anyone ordered any of our specials you can't make them," finished Hayes, sounding equal parts dismayed and exasperated.
Julienne bit her lower lip.
"Well, I mean, since we have time maybe you could try to show me how to make the fancier stuff again?"
"Can't," said Hayes, shaking his head. "Mr. Castelluccio was really firm on the 'no more freebies' policy and apparently practice pizzas count as freebies. We'll have to wait until someone actually orders something."
"Jeez," said Julienne, shaking her head. "I mean, what if Dave actually quits? Then it'll just be you and Mr. Castelluccio. Who actually know how to make the fancy stuff, I mean."
"If it happens, it happens," said Hayes, shrugging. "I'm pretty sure Dave actually is sick tonight but he has one foot out the door. If we don't start getting more orders and he doesn't start getting more tips it's only a matter of time. I don't blame him."
There was a pause.
"What about you?" asked Julienne slowly, her expression one of cautious curiosity.
Hayes looked over Julienne at their solitary four customers.
"Check on them in around five minutes," he said. "See if they want a box." He paused, thinking. "Ask them if they want to take home some cinnamon bread or a pizza cookie, but don't push it too hard."
"Uh, got it," said Julienne. Her eyes widened in recollection. "Oh, Mr. Castelluccio wanted me to give you this."
She reached into her pocket and presented Hayes with a small, nondescript bronze key. Hayes looked down the object with bemusement.
"O-kay," he said, taking off one of his gloves. "Is it another copy of the front-door key?"
"Oh, no, that's the cool thing. You know that old closet in the hallway leading to the alleyway? The one that we never open?"
"He finally found the key?" said Hayes, accepting the key with his ungloved hand.
"Yeah! It was stuck in the frame of the window in his office. He found it last night when he was going over the receipts. It was late and he didn't figure out what the key opened until today."
"How does he know?"
"Huh? Oh, there's some kind of code on the key that matches a number on the blueprints."
"Groovy," said Hayes, pocketing the key. "So what's inside?"
"He hasn't checked!" said Julienne gleefully. "He has no idea. I mean, it was there when he rented the place and he wasn't even sure the closet belonged to him at first. The owners have no idea either. He wanted you to take a look tonight if things were quiet." She paused. "So, uh, why don't I just put the 'back in five minutes sign' up and-"
"You're staying at the cash register," said Hayes firmly. "I'll take a look." He shrugged. "It's probably just going to be empty or filled with old expired olive cans or something."
"Send me a photo!" called Julienne as he passed through the kitchen door.
"Send her photo for something a dozen yards away," muttered Hayes, shaking his head. He took off his apron and remaining glove and opened a door to the left of the bathroom. Beyond laid a short, somewhat dingy dimly-lit hallway with a black iron grate door at the end. Orange street lights could be seen through the grate door. Halfway down the hall and to the right stood a door. Hayes approached it. It was covered in a fine layer of dust and white paint; the latter was starting to flake away rendering a spider-web pattern across its dull surface.
Hayes had passed this door hundreds, no, thousands of times while carrying trash to the dumpster or delivering orders and had never really considered what might be inside. He dug into his jeans, pulled out the key and stuck it in the keyhole. After a bit of fiddling the mechanism gave a satisfying click and rotated.
"Alright," said Hayes, at last feeling a little tingle of excitement. "Let's see what's behind door number one..."
He pulled. The door didn't budge.
"Huh?" said Hayes, examining the stubborn portal "Looks like the frame is swollen."
He pulled up on the knob. Sure enough, there was a wooden groan. Hayes simultaneously pulled out and up and at last the door squeaked open. The smell of dust and cobwebs filled the air.
Hayes peered inside.
It looked empty - just a three foot deep recess in the wall. Hayes took his cell phone out and turned on its flashlight app. The closet was indeed empty; there weren't even any shelves or wiring. Someone had drawn a rectangle about the size of the door in chalk or white paint on the opposite wall but that was it.
"Well, that was exciting," said Hayes dryly. "No staircase to a fallout bunker, no Mayan gold, no copies of Aeschylus' lost plays, nada." He reached over and ran his fingers along the white marking. "Must have left this when they were remodeling or something." He tapped his phone. The light went out. "Well, maybe we could clean it up, use it to store toilet paper and cleaning stuff," he mused. "Or-"
A searing white light erupted from the closet. Hayes yelped and stumbled back, shielding his face. To his surprise and relief he felt no pain, heat or shockwave; in fact, the flare had been completely silent. However, soon after he heard a disconcertingly loud and nearby thump.
Shaking, Hayes slowly lowered his hands and opened his eyes.
Something had fallen out of the closet and it was huge. Hayes couldn't make out much detail in the low light but it looked bigger and heavier than him. It was about two feet tall, more than three feet wide and stretched all the way to the back of the closet to inches away from Hayes, who had pressed himself up against the wall. Hayes glanced up at the closet.
"Must have...fallen from the rafters," he muttered, dazed, heart pounding in his chest. He raised his phone and tapped its fingerprint-smeared screen. The flashlight app blinked to life.
The shape moved.
Hayes gasped and staggered back along the wall. A guttural groan filled the air. The shape was in fact a person. He - or she - was dressed in a body-long green outfit - some kind of robe, dress or poncho maybe? - and wore thick leather boots.
"What the...y-you okay?" stuttered Hayes. "What the hell were you doing up there?" he barked, his tone instantly shifting from concern to irritation.
"Fyr's...teats that was close," growled the intruder in a raspy, feminine voice, standing.
Hayes' eyes widened as the intruder turned to face him.
"Ugh! Put that wretched light down!" hissed the intruder,
Hayes lowered his phone slightly. The intruder wasn't human. It stood on two legs and had two arms, but that's where the similarities between it and Homo sapiens ended. For one, its body was coated with golden-brown fur - short, smooth, almost velvety in texture. The digits on its hands were stubbier than fingers and were tipped with curved white claws. Its face resembled the visage of a cat or lion, sporting a dark, blunt triangular nose continuous with a short muzzle, large, rounded ears - one pierced with a carved bone earring - that stood on the crown of its head rather than the sides and intense, seductive yellow eyes lined with purple eye shadow. Despite this, it still had almost human-like lips. It was garbed in a tight-fitting, shimmery forest-green tunic (marred by a few tears and black blotches) with short-sleeves; it vaguely reminded Hayes of a qi pao. It also wore a short black skirt composed of several overlapping fabric leaves. Its thick, curvy hips - wide as a truck tire - were encircled by a broad leather belt decked with numerous pouches, strange gold and silver baubles and a short scabbard. It - no, she; definitely she - had a magnificent bust. The word 'basketballs' certainly came to mind; they were in no small way responsible for the tight fit of her dress. Hayes spotted a long golden tail twitching, snake-like, behind her.
"Fuck me," breathed Hayes, overawed.
"What was that?" growled the creature. Twin fangs emerged from her oddly red lips.
"Nothing! Nothing, I mean..." said Hayes quickly, raising his hands in what he hoped would appear to be a conciliatory gesture.
"Did you just proposition me? Just like that?"
"NO! Not at all! I was just...I was just...really freaked out, okay?"
There was a long silence. The creature regarded him with narrowed eyes that gleamed in the radiance of Hayes' phone. Then, her expression softened.
"Be at ease, whelp," she sighed, waving a paw.
Hayes nodded gratefully but didn't feel much more at ease.
"Where am I?" inquired the creature, turning and looking around the hall. She sniffed the air. "This cannot be Alhahdr; the air doesn't stink of Wyrsteeds. How far did that wretched spell send me?" She turned back to Hayes. "I believe I asked you a question."
"Wha-?"
"Where. Am. I?" repeated the creature slowly, making no attempt to mask its disdain.
"Uh, Rockford," gulped Hayes. "Rockford, Illinois, the United States," he continued as he realized just how far from home the newcomer might actually be. "On planet Earth," he added, seeing the blank look on her face.
"Planet...Earth?" she said, raising a brow. Then, her eyes widened. She slapped her forehead.
"A planar shift?" she moaned, still clutching her head. "That damned interstitial patch wasn't just a localized spatial tear, was it? No, it was a deep resonance event. A full-fledged, gods-damned, self-isolating breach in manifested causality." She reached down and tore a tiny silver ball from her belt with a single deft motion. She held it aloft between two clawed digits, staring intensely at the miniscule orb. Then, it began to glow with a soft yellow light. Hayes gasped.
"A planar shift," repeated the creature, nodding grimly. She opened one of her pouches and dropped the glowing ball inside. "At least it was not red." She said. "And at least the resonance overlap means we can understand one another," she added, addressing Hayes.
"So you're from...another dimension," breathed Hayes.
"In layman's terms, yes," she huffed, folding its arms. Hayes swore he heard the fabric strain as her forearms pressed against her prodigious chest. "Though it would be more accurate to s-"
A soft hum filled the air. Hayes glanced down at his phone.
"What is that sound?" said the creature suspiciously.
"Uh, a text," said Hayes, tapping the screen. "A message. On my phone. Communication device."
It was from Julienne.
"Just...let me answer this," he said anxiously.
"Who are you conversing with?" snapped the creature, stepping forward to examine Hayes' phone.
"Nobody!" said Hayes, backing away. "I mean, I'm telling them everything is fine. I'm not saying anything about you."
"Well...good."
Hayes sent the text and sighed. As he stared down at his phone his gaze was drawn to the camera icon at the bottom of the screen. Saying nothing, he tilted his phone slightly upward. There was a soft click.
"And what was that?"
"Er, I sent a reply," said Hayes hurriedly as he closed his gallery.
"Listen, whelp," said the creature impatiently. "I am a sorceress. Do you know what that means?"
"Uh, I'm pretty sure I do," gulped Hayes.
"Do you?"
"Uh, do I?"
"You do?"
"Do I...look, it means you're...magical. You can cast spells?"
"Precisely. Including spells that could turn you to ash in the blink of an eye. If you or anyone here means me harm, know that I am far from helpless!"
"Y-Yeah, I think I got it," said Hayes quickly.
His phone buzzed again.
"Damnit, Julienne, what now?" he hissed, reading the second text.
big group of customers! 8+!!!! already ordering!!!
"No, no, shit, why now?" cursed Hayes.
"What's wrong?" growled the creature.
Hayes looked up at her, down at his phone, over at the kitchen door. His mind raced.
"Do not even think of running away," commanded the creature. "I have questions."
"I'm sure you do....whatever your name is," said Hayes distractedly.
"I am Fa'rra, sorceress of Zegbr-"
"Okay Fara, listen," began Hayes, pocketing his phone. "This...is a pizzeria - a restaurant. A place where people - humans - go to eat. I'm about to get a huge order. If I don't get back to the kitchen right now my coworker will come looking for me. If she finds us there's a very good chance she'll freak out, scream and/or run away and tell everyone there's a giant lion sorceress in the back room. And no, there aren't any giant lion sorceresses in this dimension. Or magic. Even if they don't believe her she'll draw a lot of attention and while *I* don't mean you any harm I can't guarantee some cop won't shoot you or try to haul you off to....I dunno, a research lab or something. And even if you could turn the entire city into ash I don't think you'd want that kind of attention. And trust me, WE are far from harmless too. So just wait a while I take care of this order and once everything has quieted down I'll answer ANY questions I can. Okay?"
Hayes stood there, panting. Fa'rra stared at him, her leonine expression indecipherable.
"It is Fa'rra," corrected Fa'rra.
"What?"
"It is pronounced Fa'rra."
"Fine, Fa-...Fa'rra," said Hayes, rolling the R's this time. "I'm Hayes."
"Very well, Hayes. Attend to your customers. I will wait."
Hayes nodded, turned and half-walked/half-staggered out of the hallway and into the kitchen. Fa'rra watched him the entire time, her yellow eyes gleaming in the gloom.
Hayes shut the door and gazed around the kitchen as though seeing it for the first time. He slowly walked towards the computer and checked the monitor. The once blank order window now had six lines - four different specialty pizzas, an order of garlic bread and an order of spicy Buffalo wings.
The door to the dining area swung open.
"Did you get that?" called Julienne.
Hayes flinched. "AAH! Jeez, Julienne," he cried angrily.
"Sorry!" gulped Julienne from the threshold. "I just wanted to-"
"Wanted to make sure I got the order, yeah, I got it," supplied Hayes, waving her away.
"...Um."
"What?"
"...Is everything alright?"
"Yeah, everything's copacetic."
Julienne hesitated.
"It just...you look kinda-"
"The order just caught me off guard, okay?" said Hayes in a slightly nicer tone. "I'm on it."
Julienne lingered by the door for a few more seconds before withdrawing. Hayes stared at the door and then back at the hallway. His hand drifted down to his left pocket, brushing his phone. Then, he shook his head. He donned his apron, hurried over to the glove box on the counter and slipped on a fresh pair of plastic gloves. Now properly attired, he walked over to the refrigerator and removed a stack of half-baked garlic bread and a small plastic tray filled with chicken wings marinating in dark brown sauce. He placed the garlic bread in a small conventional oven near the larger pizza oven and set the chicken wings aside. He walked over to the pizza prep station and retrieved a lump of proofed dough from the stack of plastic boxes. He dropped the dough on a flour-dusted wooden board and started rolling it flat with practiced ease. He repeated the process with a second lump of dough, and then a third. He then slid one of the pies along the counter and slathered it with red sauce, pausing half-way to sprinkle dried herbs over it. As he worked, the terrified, anxious expression on his face grew muted.
He added the toppings and second cheeses to the third pie. He checked each one and, satisfied with their composition and construction, grabbed the pizza paddle and slid them into the large oven one by one. He leaned back to check the temperature on the digital thermometer on the far side of the oven. When he turned back, Fa'rra was standing in the kitchen.
"God....Dammit!" exclaimed Hayes, stepping back.
"This is your kitchen?" asked Fa'rra, looking around. Her glossy green dress shimmered in the bright light. She didn't seem quite as huge as she had in the small hallway but she still towered over nearly everything.
"I said you needed to wait!" hissed Hayes, nervously glancing back at the dining room door.
"Yes, but you did not specify where I had to wait," she sniffed. "Besides, the back door was naught but a thin metal gate. Hardly secure."
"Better there than here. Julienne could come in at-"
Then, to his horror, Hayes saw the dining room door opening out of the corner of his eye.
"Julienne!" he yelped, whirling around.
"...Uh, Hayes," said the young teenager, once again poking her head into the kitchen. "One of the customers had a question about the..." she trailed off, staring.
Hayes shivered and shut his eyes. "Look, Julienne, don't-" he began in a quivery voice.
"Are you sure you're feeling okay?" said Julienne in a concerned voice. "I mean, maybe you caught Dave's bug."
Hayes blinked. He turned around. There was no sign of the oversized anthropomorphic lioness. He slowly turned back to Julienne.
"I'm...fine," hissed Hayes between his teeth. "Now, what is it?"
There was a pause.
"Uh..." said Julienne, tapping her head. Then, she looked up brightly. "Oh yeah. One of the customers wanted to make sure one of the pizzas is gluten-free."
Hayes gave a long, exasperated sigh.
"Which one?" he asked.
"Uh, the primero italia."
"It is," said Hayes solemnly. "That's why I used the gluten-free dough. It said right on the order, 'gluten free;' I specifically remember making it gluten-free."
"Cool! Just wanted to be 100% sure," said Julienne. "He said he's allergic."
"Great. Glad we cleared that up," said Hayes. "And Julienne?"
"Yeah?"
"Next time you need something could you knock first? I am feeling a little...jumpy tonight. Don't ask why. Just...remember to knock, please."
"Uh, sure thing," said Julienne, bemused. "Oh, what was in the closet?"
"Huh?"
"You opened the closet, right? What was inside?"
"Uh...it was empty."
"Shoot, that's boring. Oh well."
She slipped back into the main room.
"This keeps up I'm going to have a heart attack," muttered Hayes, rubbing his temples with his knuckles. He looked around the room. "Uh, hello?" he said quietly, taking a few steps. "Fa'rra? Where did you go?" He paused. "Did you...can you turn invisible?" he whispered, slightly in awe.
The back room door swung open.
"No, I cannot," said Fa'rra, scowling as she strode back into the kitchen.
"Wha-"
"I am loath to admit it but visual and psychoprojective phantasms are not my strong suit."
Hayes stared at her. "Then...how did-"
"A simple short range teleport to the hall," said the massive feline offhandedly. "A touch more dangerous than I would have preferred given proximity of the resonance event but a few yards is a trifle to one such as I." She paused. "By the way, what is this 'gluten?'"
"Uh..." said Hayes at a complete loss for words. He cleared his throat. "I'm...going to get back to work now. Just keep an eye on the door."
"Humph, if you insist," said Fa'rra in a manner that could only be described as...catty.
Hayes hurried over to the pizza dough station and starting prepping more pies. To his credit he more or less resisted the urge to look back at his guest, indulging in only a few quick glances when she was in the periphery of his vision. She stood in place, apparently watching his every move; Hayes did not exactly find this comforting.
"Shit!"
Hayes stared down at the fifth pizza, wringing his hands in frustration.
"What is it now?" sighed Fa'rra.
"I added the wrong toppings, okay?" he said irritably. "Pepperoni, more cheese, mushrooms, onions, red peppers, green peppers and then meatballs and I added pineapple and artichoke instead."
Fa'rra stared at him. Then, she laughed - long, musical peals of laughter.
"Keep it down!" hissed Hayes, waving his gloved hands.
"From...from the way you squealed I feared you'd sliced a finger off," she chuckled.
"Yeah, laugh it up. Now I have to start all over."
"Just...remove those toppings and add the proper ones."
"Nope," said Hayes, shaking his head. "It takes a long time, it's a huge pain in the ass, you make a mess of the pizza and you always miss a few bits. And some customers are really sensitive about pineapple. Do it right or don't do it at all."
"You certainly take your...'profession' seriously," observed Fa'rra, still grinning.
"I'm not pretending I'm a graduate of Le Cordon Bleu but I take this job seriously," said Hayes, retrieving another lump of dough. "And for your information this place was voted the best pizza in Rockford five years in a row."
"Oh, how very impressive," sneered Fa'rra.
"For all you know it could be the greatest single honor on Earth," countered Hayes, grabbing the rolling pin.
"But it isn't, is it?"
"No," admitted Hayes with a weary sigh as he started shaping the pie.
There was a long pause.
"I must admit the aroma of this...pizza is intoxicating," said Fa'rra suddenly, sniffing the air. She shut her eyes, took a deep breath through her nose and exhaled, nostrils flaring. Hayes could not help but stare as her chest rose and fell. Her eyelids fluttered open.
"Magnificent," she purred. "A delectable confluence of dairy, flesh, wheat, savory, salt and oil, seared to perfection." She gave Hayes a meaningful look. "You know, I have not eaten anything since breakfast."
"Sorry, Beerus," said Hayes slowly. "All these pies are spoken for." He paused. "I could whip you up something once I finish the order." He shivered slightly as a long-building pressure in his bladder suddenly became insistent. "Uh, I have to hit the bathroom," he said, hastily removing his gloves. "Stay out of sight while I'm gone."
"...Beerus?"
"Never mind! Don't ask!" called Hayes as he disappeared into the bathroom.
Hayes did his business in relative silence, listening intently for any scream or commotion. He hastily but vigorously washed his hands, dried them and hurried out the door. He stepped into the kitchen and froze.
Fa'rra was sitting on the far counter near the spices, legs crossed, chewing on a slice of pizza she held in one hand, the other resting on the counter. Her golden-brown tail was coiled tightly around a cluster of empty pepper shakers. Her face was locked in an expression of utter bliss. Hayes was surprised the counter hadn't buckled under her weight.
"Where the hell did you-..." began Hayes. Then, he spotted three pizzas - still steaming from the oven - sitting on the counter next to a pizza cutter. Several slices were missing from one of the pies.
Hayes swore he felt a vein throb on his forehead.
"What...did I say...about the pizzas?" he growled.
"By the gods, this is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth!" exalted Fa'rra. She paused, turned to Hayes and gave the enraged restaurant worker a mischievous wink. "Well, at least the second best thing."
"I told you those pizzas were spoken for!" exclaimed Hayes more loudly than he had intended. "And don't sit on the counter! It's unhygienic!"
Infuriatingly, Fa'rra took another bite, chewed and swallowed before responding.
"Relax, whelp," she said, waving a paw. "I'll be more than happy to pay for such gustatory rapture." She reached into one of her many belt pouches and flicked three silvery coins the size and thickness of milk caps onto the counter. "Three silver dactyls should more than cover it."
Hayes stared at the coins.
"Those are silver?" he said.
Fa'rra rolled her yellow eyes.
"Fine, I'll make it a gold talon," he said, dropping another coin, this one smaller than the other three but golden. "And for that, I get to eat the entire pizza."
Hayes' mouth opened and then shut. Then, something in his brain snapped.
"I'm just going to make more pizzas," he said in a manic tone. "Yeah, just keep working. Nothing weird is going on here..."
Still muttering to himself, Hayes wandered over to the dough station and starting prepping yet another pie. Fa'rra remained seated on the counter, eating slice after slice, occasionally moaning in what Hayes hoped was exaggerated ecstasy. At one point her tail knocked over one of the empty pepper shakers. She apologized; Hayes just ignored it. Ten minutes passed. Hayes finished preparing the remaining four pies and slipped them into the oven. He took the garlic bread out of the smaller oven and placed it on a nearby counter to cool. He then turned his attention to the chicken wings. He placed them one-by-one in the deep fryer basket and then lowered them into the sizzling hot oil. A few minutes later he lifted the basket out of the fryer and carefully poured the wings onto a metal serving tray. He then grabbed the warm garlic bread strips off the counter and placed them in a large napkin-lined plastic basket. Without saying a word, he carried both the garlic bread and chicken wings out the door and deposited them on the counter next to a startled Julienne.
He blinked as he re-entered the room and looked over at Fa'rra. The lioness sorceress had finished her last slice. She had a beatific, satisfied look on her face. She patted her stomach.
"Gods I needed that," she purred. She plucked a large waterskin from the side of her belt and drained its contents in a swig.
Hayes removed a glove and wiped a trickle of sweat from his brow.
"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself," he said irately.
"I have had a long day, Hayes," said Fa'rra, though there was little anger or frustration in her voice. "I trekked two hourrides on foot across a hot, desolate wasteland because the only riding beasts available were those damned Wyrsteeds, fought off a nest of skitterlings, descended into an ancient Hielin tomb where I almost perished, twice - once dealing with some loutish desert bandits who followed me to the tomb and again when that guardian Yukla awoke. And all I found was a patch of unstable reality - no artifacts, no tomb treasures, no lost scrolls; there weren't even any novel glyphs on the walls to transcribe." She paused. "Honestly, I think it is time I abandoned this nomadic existence. It was exhilarating at first - traveling the world, trolling through ruins seeking the wisdom and writings of the ancient cognoscenti," she grinned wickedly "Then selling the lore for a satrap's ransom. Then you learn what adventuring really means - restless nights, no pillows, scratchy blankets, bad food, monster attacks, constant harassment from rival seekers and shitting out in the middle of a desert." She spat on the floor. "But to retire to some dull dusty library or college to instruct magelings and serve dottering old fools with testicles hanging lower than their beards...gah, I'd sooner slit my own throat."
Hayes stared down at the glob of saliva on the floor. His face reddened.
"So...why don't you just buy...I dunno, some mansion and live a life of luxury," he said wearily. He gestured at the coins on the counter. "You're loaded." He paused. "You ARE loaded, right?"
"Hah! I am wealthy, but not wealthy enough. Besides, without the aegis of a library or college my enemies would pick at me like vultures." She leaned back on the counter. "If I were to retire I would need to go somewhere far, far away - someplace distant, remote, savage and unpopulated; precisely the sort of lands I'm trying to escape!"
"Well, rich people problems," said Hayes sardonically, waving his hands in the air. He dragged a small stool from under the counter and sat on it. "If you don't mind I'm going to grab a union-mandated five minute break. In silence."
Fa'rra sighed. She slid off the counter.
"Hold, Hayes," she said, raising a paw. She started walking towards him. "I am not so insensitive. I understand that my sudden arrival and presence has caused you undue grief." She stopped a couple feet away from him. "And though your manners leave something to be desired, you seem intelligent, honorable in your own way, and care for my well-being."
"Well, thanks," said Hayes, reaching down for his phone. "But-"
When he looked back up at her Fa'rra was unbuckling her belt. Gripping it with both paws she slowly lowered it to the floor and stepped over it.
"Uh, what are you doing?" said Hayes, cocking his head.
Smiling, Fa'rra tugged a curved button on the front of her dress with a claw, unhooking it. Then she untied a knot near her collar. The upper half of her outfit burst open with a twang.
"W-Wha..." gasped Hayes, goggling at her.
"We are both adults, yes?" said Fa'rra as the rest of her slinky raiment fell to the floor. She ran her paws along her colossal, jiggly furry breasts - each one as large as her head - and took another step closer to Hayes, hips and tail swaying seductively. Her stomach was light golden brown, soft but with only the slightest paunch. Thick muscles bulged beneath her arms and legs as she moved. "I prefer men shorter than me, in point of fact," she purred.
Hayes fell back on his stool and scrambled away. His face had turned beet-red.
"We can't...I don't...think we should...you're...I barely know you!"
Fa'rra gazed down at him in surprise. She frowned.
"Ah," she in a flat voice. "You have a cultural taboo against nudity and casual sex. How tedious."
With a disappointed sigh she reached down to retrieve her dress. Hayes watched her, dumbfounded, for a few seconds and then averted his eyes. He stumbled to his feet and hurried over to the large oven, giving her still naked form wide berth.
"The-pizzas-should-be-done-by-now-so-I'm-going-to-serve-them-stay-here," he babbled, grabbing the paddle. He removed the pies from the oven - almost spilling one in his frantic haste - panned them, cut them and hurried out the kitchen door, balancing two on each arm.
"Here's the order," said breathlessly as he placed them on the front counter. He looked over at the large group that had just arrived. They were laughing, drinking, and had already nearly polished off their wings and garlic bread.
Julienne gave Hayes a look one might give a rambling street bum.
"Who were you talking to in there?" she asked quietly.
"I was on the phone," half-shouted Hayes. "Speaker phone," he clarified. "It's personal and I don't want to get into it."
"Oh," said Julienne. There was silence.
"Yeah," said Hayes, nodded. "That's why I asked you to knock."
"Sorry," said Julienne miserably. "I...I wasn't tryin-"
"It's fine," said Hayes, feeling horrible. "Uh, keep up the good work, okay?"
By the time he returned to the kitchen Fa'rra had already donned her clothing and was re-buckling her belt. She gave him a sour look.
"So tedious," she repeated.
"Uhhhh," said Hayes at a complete loss. He swallowed. "D-Don't get me wrong I'm flattered and you're...you're really nice. It's just...it'd be inappropriate to do that here. In the kitchen. Not hygienic."
"Isn't there a bathroo-"
"No! I mean, that wouldn't be hygienic either. For us."
The lioness rolled her eyes.
"Tedious."
"Stop saying that," snapped Hayes. "Look, the order is taken care of and Julienne shouldn't bother us anymore so I can probably answer your questions - about Earth, I'm assuming. Fire away."
Fa'rra straightened her belt. She cupped her mouth to stifle a small belch.
"First, there is another proposition I would discuss with you," she said. "One that is hopefully less objectionable to your morality."
"Uh, okay."
"I have decided I will retire from adventuring and the lore trade. Instead of seeking a position at a college or library I will invest in business. Specifically, this business."
"What?" said Hayes, taken aback.
"Your pizza would shame the banquet halls of many a noble house back home," said Fa'rra, eyes sparkling. "I could make a fortune selling it in one of the larger cities. Oh! Vansel! Some lovely little spot near but not on the docks."
"T-That's crazy," exclaimed Hayes. "Besides, you're...you're a magical lioness from another dimension! You should...you need to go to Washington and, I dunno, establish diplomatic relations with my world! This is huge!"
"I have no interest in politics, cross-planar or otherwise," said Fa'rra dismissively. "No, I just want this shop and its delectable pizza."
"I mean, even if we could...this restaurant is barely clinging to life as it is."
"What?" said Fa'rra, shocked. "You said this pizza is acclaimed throughout your city and I happen to agree."
There was a pause.
"Sure, a couple years ago," sighed Hayes. He picked up the stool, set it upright and took a seat. "But sales have been dropping since the rise of online delivery services like Grubhub and DoorDash. We're effectively competing with every other restaurant in town for delivery service, which was our main source of income. And tips. Then the city added parking meters to the nearby streets and the parking lot down the block starting charging for spots so our foot traffic got cut in half."
"Online...delivery?"
"It basically means delivering food to the customer," explained Hayes. "Anywhere in town. In, like, an hour or less. That's what pizza joints are supposed to be good at. And we don't have enough drivers to keep up anymore. Folks are lucky to get our pizzas in less than two hours."
The two were silent for a time.
"Do you know what that anomaly in your cupboard is?" inquired Fa'rra, gesturing at the back door.
"Uh, you said it was some kind of tear in the fabric of reality," said Hayes.
"In layman's terms, yes," said Fa'rra, wincing. "It eases transitions across modes and zones of existence. It is why and how I was able to enter your world through the other resonance event back in the Hielin tomb. However, it is not necessarily restricted to a fixed, two-way path. Such interstitial zones can be exploited in any number of cross-planar spells."
"So...what are you saying?" said Hayes.
Fa'rra grinned.
* * *
Julienne hummed to herself as she walked along the short hallway. She was carrying a pizza box. The recently installed lights overhead shone brightly and the hall had been thoroughly cleaned. The grate iron gate at the end of the hall had been replaced by an extremely solid looking door with multiple lock catches and a security bar. Julienne stopped at the closet, whose door had been replaced with an even sturdier looking steel door - the kind one might encounter at a bank. A bright yellow sign affixed to the right of the door read 'Danger! Employees Only!' A camera was mounted in a corner of the ceiling opposite the door.
Still humming, Julienne pulled out a small sales receipt and pressed it against a complex ruin that had been etched directly into the wall beneath the yellow sign. Both the rune and the receipt glowed blue briefly. She then tucked the receipt back in the box and used her free hand to open the closet door.
A terrifying reptilian being roughly half her size stood before her. It was vaguely humanoid with a hunched posture, razor sharp teeth and claws. It wore little more than a leather loincloth. Beyond it laid a vast, murky swamp faintly illuminated by two moons - one red, the other yellow - hanging in the starless dark sky.
"K'rass! Ckt'no Zø!" it spat at her.
"Hello sir!" said Julienne brightly. "Red Light Pizzeria. We deliver anywhere!"
"Shvst'lss!" it hissed.
"I have a large carnivore pizza with extra bacon and onions," she said.
"Vasvtss Zø vac't!" it said, greedily snatching the proffered box. It hurled a small leather pouch to her feet and then turned and then scurried into the swamp.
"Enjoy!" called Julienne, picking up the pouch. She shut the door.
"One, two, five..." she murmured as she counted the coins in the grimy little pouch. He smile faded. "No tip? Cheapskate."
As she walked along the hall the kitchen door opened before her.
"Oh, hi Miss Farah. I mean, Fa'rra," corrected Julienne.
"Julienne," purred the lioness sorcerer. "Hayes and I are heading out. Can you...what is the phrase, 'hold down the fort' until closing time?"
"Sure thing! I think we have things covered here."
"Good," said Fa'rra. "Remember, we aren't accepting any orders from the Citadel until they settle their tab. And offer an apology."
"Got it."
Fa'rra smiled. She raised a paw to her head. A nimbus of purple light suddenly formed around the paw. She slowly lowered her paw and as it passed along her body it changed her.
Now appearing as a sultry, buxom young Indian woman wearing a bright red cocktail dress and high heels, Fa'rra turned and strode back into the kitchen.
As she walked, Julienne noticed something underneath her skirt wagging behind her.
"She really needs to work on those illusion spells," said Julienne, wincing.
