cheyenne barton
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blog ✦ a redraw & Big Feelings
🕑 Added 2024-03-07 00:14:22 +0000 UTCHello! So uh. This blog is gonna be talking a fair about the cruel and unyielding passage of time cause it's been on my mind a lot and working on this piece brought those feelings into even sharper focus, which I did not think was possible considering I've been playing so much Persona 3 (I'm still not finished so no spoilies please, but Persona games are usually very heavy on the ~wistful~ and the ~making the most of the time we have~ feeling, but Persona 3 Reload is like. hitting me across the face with them like a fucking sledgehammer, I've actually had to take a break from playing cause it's been making me cry so much TT)
also I'm supposed to be preparing for my trip to Cincinnati this weekend (i'm meeting up with Leigh Ellexson and Jamie Green and Bird Warde this weekend and I'm. so. chill about it *vibrates with nerves and excitement*) but instead of cleaning and packing I'm going to talk to you about all my very wistful feelings!!!
I've found my dream procreate brush!!
first off, I will say that I have found my DREEEAMMM procreate brush -- I'm always on the hunt for brushes that simulate the feeling I get from drawing traditionally in my sketchbook, and in particular, for a brush that emulates the feeling of doodling with a black gel pen. Well!!! This "not muji gel pen" brush from Wendy Xu is exactly that -- it so perfectly replicates the feeling I get from drawing with gel pen in my sketchbook, I actually yelled when I first tried it out. it's what I ended up using for the line art in this piece!! they've got loads of other great traditional media procreate brushes that I can't wait to try, particularly the felt tip pen one >:)'
redrawing an old #dtiys of mine from 2020
So I've been looking back at a lot of my old work recently -- like, wistfully scrolling down my own Instagram feed and looking back on the days when I could easily clock 9k+ likes on a single post, back on the days when other people seemed more keen on my work (and maybe when I seemed more keen on my own work). I understand that it is extremely unhealthy and not a good idea to use my social media stats to measure the value of my work, or how "good" my art is, but it is unfortunately a very easy trap to fall into, especially when my Instagram follower count (tho yes, 135k is an impressive number and I'm super grateful for it) has been stuck at the same number for the last two years while it seems all my peers have steadily been growing upward, and my YouTube views and engagement overall has fallen over the past couple years. I know that "comparison is the thief of joy" and all that, but I am merely human, and so I am prone to falling into these thought traps during my Bad Times: the thought traps of "my best days are behind me", "I'm becoming irrelevant", and "maybe I should just not do this anymore". (You being here and enjoying my work is tangible and strong proof that those thoughts are silly and baseless, but I get stuck inside my own head sometimes where such reason is often away on holiday.)
Again, I know that a lot of these thoughts have no foundation, and stem from fear and insecurity, but I'm trying to be vulnerable here!! So welcome to what my brain sounds like half the time!! Since I can't stop being wistful, I'm trying to turn it into a useful tool for further growth instead of letting it make me bitter and angry that I'm no longer the artist/person I was 3 years ago. And what better way to do that than to redraw an older piece!! I sold out of the prints I had left for this piece back in my September clearance sale, and I'm still quite fond of it, so I wanted to have another go at it.
I actually took a reference selfie for this heheh cause believe it or not, it's way easier to draw when you have a reference to pull from. I literally sometimes forget that I can just take selfies for reference so this is me reminding you as well!!
(I will say, one thing I've gotten MUCH MUCH better at is drawing human bodies from reference, which is cool to see :'))
I recently got a Lamy Safari fountain pen (as influenced by the ever wonderful Megan Wang, who showed off hers in one of her recent videos), and it is truly WILD how fun it is to draw with this thing!!! I've been SCRIBBLIN and sketchbooking is suddenly really fun again!! Who knew all I needed was a yellow fountain pen!!
I brought the photo of my sketch into Procreate and cranked out this piece at like 9pm on Monday lol. Inspiration waits for no one I guess!! I struggled a fair bit with colors, and I wondered at one point if I wanted to use a pencil brush for the lineart instead of the muji gel brush, but I caught myself thinking "hmmm I wonder if people will like it more if I use the pencil brush" and so I instead went with the notMUJI gel brush mentioned above, cause that was what I wanted to use. :o) And I think it served the piece well!! I turned the timelapse video into a gif for easier viewing (mild flash warning!!):
I'm learning that there are two art wolves inside of me: one wants crispy, super detailed lineart and flat colors that make for very yummy, edible art, and the other one wants creamy, textured, soft pieces that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. So now my current challenge (and exploration I suppose) is figuring out how to make these two wolves get along >:(
I posted this on insta this morning with a very emotional squishy caption, and there's been so many kind comments, but this one really hit me:
It reminds me that my art isn't just something that I make--my art is me. We are one and the same!! Which is likely why our relationship can be so tumultuous lol.
I mentioned the "cruel and unyielding passage of time" at the top of this post, and it's the hum that seems to run behind everything I do right now. I know time is always moving forward, but I've been so hyperaware of it recently, and looking back on all my old stuff only heightens the feeling.
I will never again be the person I was in my 2019 YouTube videos, I will never again make the art that social media deemed "my most successful", I will never again be 24 or 26 or 28. What a gift and blessing it is to age and grow, and what a strange thing it is to turn around and see every past version of you looking at you with terror and hope. I feel like all I can do is shrug at them and offer them a cup of tea anyway.
I asked Leigh once how she seemed to make so much art all the time, and she told me, very simply, "I guess it's my therapy." I think I'm starting to understand what she meant.
Thanks for reading all these feelings, and thank you for being here. Sending all my love u3u
Talk soon!!! xxx
~ Chey
Comments
Zhara
I’ve been watching a lot of avatar, your analogy of all your past selves looking at you reminds me of when you see all of aangs past avatars staring at them. But like them, you couldn’t exist now without your past selves, the skills and experience is a culmination to you now!
Julia
I am a week late, but reading this honestly made me teary eyed. I recently found an old journal and while looking through it I found an entry from 2019/20-ish talking about finding your Youtube channel. Teenage me was going through a rough time back then, and as silly as it may sound (it’s not to me), looking forward to your content brought me so much happiness! Although I am not that version of myself anymore and you are not 2020-cheyenne anymore and we all grow into different versions of ourselves all the time, I would like to share that it inspired me to start drawing again. I would watch your “draw with me’s” and vlogs, take inspiration from your work, and just start drawing into my sketchbook, just for myself, only for me to see. I even got into persona and crocheting because you would talk about it so often lmao! I couldn’t agree more when you said that you are your art. Art isn’t just art. It is quite literally the person behind it, creating it with an intention. This is just a personal anecdote, but your art and what you do will never be irrelevant to me. Social media moves a lot quicker than us, quicker than our memory can fade I believe. I admire your art, and your work doesn’t go away. I don’t believe self criticism is inherently bad. Social media has become quite a frustrating tool to distribute art (from what I’ve heard lol). But your art is still you, and people don’t forget people that inspired them at some point in their lives and still continue to do so. I think the tendency to compare and to doubt one’s work is an indication for a talented, ambitious mind itself! You’re your own biggest critic and that can definitely be a pain in the butt. Let it be your artistic drive nudging you towards reflection, self expression and change <3 You are so loved and so is your art! I am so happy I found you on da big web and I still 100% feel the same amount of inspiration to create for myself when I see your art, still feel a familiar happiness when you post! I am so so sure that there are people finding your content every day and fall in love with it just like we did! This whole talk sounds patronising even to me, but I swear that is not my intention. Much love
Emie Shane Fae
Megan's video really got everyone to buy a Lamy Safari 😂 My fifth fountain pen is arriving today! My ADHD brain went into hyperfixation mode so quickly after seeing her video 🙈 I just can't stop, and the INKS, omg so many beautiful options!
delphadae
I feel this so much, Chey (especially since I'm turning 30 in a few days). I love the redraw so much, it's so comforting. Also, with the whole social media thing..I can't speak for YouTube, but Instagrams algorithm is complete shit. X.x unless you post every day and post reels and basically spend all your time churning content, it's been hard to grow. (Which sucks, because Instagram used to be my favorite platform to post art)
Mallory
Wow, I felt you in this blog. Thank you for sharing yourself. I also like to think of art as my therapy, I’m not always happy with the sessions- some bring out so much in me that I don’t know what to do with it. But I slowly keep at it. I think treating our creative sides like a relationship we must put time, energy and love into is key. Without that nurturing how do we expect ourselves to make anything? We aren’t machines in this world.. at least that is what I have found in my journey. I guess that’s the brighter side to not being on a platform, yes my art stays close to me— never shared but it’s personal and I don’t have an algorithm to eat away at me. I understand you’re grateful for the life you live, as you should be (you’re doing great) but I wanna show you my care that I understand it must be hard on you to face that everyday. *pat pat* I hope you find love and joy in this nostalgic art process of growing.
pitch.pine
Wow, I really love the redraw! it's so much fun (I have a print of the original on my wall, and now i kind of wish I could have a print of the re-draw next to it, as a reminder to keep on growing and changing!)
Kelley Riley
this redraw is so cozy and fun. also if i may offer a suggestion, i turned off the like count on my instagram and feel so much better. i no longer compare myself to others and can focus on the art people are making and actually participate in comments again. comparison truly is the theif of joy and this helped me to stop killing my joy <3. Your art is amazingggg and we're all so lucky that you make it.
Lauren D
Oof the line about looking back at every version of yourself with terror and hope made me tear up a little while i sit here in my work break room lol. Lovely words and lovely art!
mystikmisfit
💕🐶💌 ily!!!!
Ania
As a fellow artist, there also seems to be this phenomenon when you grow and change that your art doesn't feel the same. Your old art might've been made when you felt confident in that style, but as your style change, I feel like though you are improing, it can feel worse because you haven't learnt the ins and out of this new style and way of drawing. Atleast that's how I feel currently, haha. We just gotta keep drawing and exploring and find what feels good and someday soon your new art - while not looking the same as the old - will hold something special for you too! There will be people who love your new art just as much as your old <3
niksmyshka
re: your engagement on insta/youtube. i just wanted to tell you i discovered your youtube channel 3 weeks ago and i cannot go a day without watching your vlogs. i've been bingewatching them because they are so cozy, your art is amazing and i resonate with so much that you're saying. new people are discovering you every day!!!
jenn
ahhh cheyenne, this made me tear up so much! i’ve been following you ever since your tumblr bujo days, and it’s always been so nice seeing your work over the years - i never get tired of it!! i love reading your thoughts too. i totally resonate with what you said - that my art is me. it’s something i just never realized until you said it, and as an artist myself, now i see why sharing my art to the world had felt a little scary to me before. but it’s honestly a very brave thing to do to be vulnerable in this way, and we’ll continue being brave sharing our art and ourselves. im sure our past selves will still be proud us ♥️
molly
this piece has been my long long LONG time favorite of mine, and holds a ton of memories. my partner of 5 and a half years got this print for me right before we went off to college, so like 4 years ago now? i was terrified of long distance and what would become of myself and our relationship. once he gave the print to me, i was also able to see the message he left for you: "my girlfriend loves your videos! thank you for cheering her up on her grey days." typing it out now is going to make me cry as much as it did then LOL all of this to say, as you grow, your art does as well, alongside us. the growth we've seen from the lens you craft is immeasurably spectacular, and through returning to these pieces, it is able to remind us of who we were when we first encountered them all of those years ago. and yep, crying now LOOOL. thank you for offering these retrospective moments, cheyenne. wuv u!
