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Did your life go according to plan? Happy Festivus from Waiheke.
🕑 Added 2025-12-25 09:07:13 +0000 UTCKia Ora my loves.
Not all of you patrons out there celebrate it, but nevertheless, from these strange parts down under: a happy festivus and merry christmas to all of you.
I love and care about you all.
Heather Cox Richardson just said something in her post that resonated deeply: for many people, Christmas marks the point where the light starts coming back.
The light.
I’m down under, it’s nearly 9pm and still light. In NYC it’s 3am.
I still feel the light needing to come back. She’s slow.
Greetings from Waiheke, Aotearoa New Zealand, where I found myself living during the pandemic for about a year and a half. It still feels unbelievable to me.
9pm here and 3am in NYC. I got to know those time changes intimately.
I remember those horrible nighttimes of May 2020, the month after I felt my marriage and the pandemic shockingly did not let up; I remember getting up at a panic at 2am and waiting, waiting, waiting for time to crawl forward so that I could call a friend in the states….any friend. Anyone who could talk it through and help me feel not crazy; not alone. I felt so indescribably alone.
I don’t feel like that anymore. Not quite like that.
The room is still dark, but my eyes have adjusted.
Christmas always magnifies everything times three.
If you’re going into already-fragile systems, beware. Everything’s magnified. It’s like everyone’s drunk on trauma.
Speaking of trauma !
I just pulled a photo from April 2020.
I had told nobody on the Internet what had really happened.
This is what I looked like. Felt like. I posted a lot of these, but could say nothing.
That was nearly 5 years ago.
Funny, how time slows and speeds,
We spent our Christmas today on Waiheke surrounded by kids, family, friends who got to know me - and, more importantly, Ash - deeply during those pandemic years.
This bizarro period of time in New Zealand - 2020-2022 - bent my soul into an entirely new shape, and the shape has not stopped beckoning to be understood; the new shape keeps annoying and pestering me and asking to be explained. I’m hoping to find the edges of it - still so confusing, still so formless on most days - through the new book.
So here I abide, I research, I ask, I take note, I listen, I grieve.
I lost two really important people from Waiheke - Bianca and Susi - who meant so much to me, and the grief is still hitting really hard. It’s hard to process their deaths while I’m not here, among the community.
Ash is at home here.
He knows where he is; the pukeko, the tui, the kereru.
None of this was the plan. But these were the birds he learned.
The pohutakawa, the agapantha, the hibiscus. These are the plants he learned.
None of this was the plan.
Christmas sushi? Whoddathinkit.
Did any of your lives go according to plan?
No?
No.
Of course not.
So…..
I’m sending love to every single one of you.
Through a certain lens, one could say that I have been unlucky lately, but bend it 13% to the left and color it up and I am, instead, the luckiest artist and mother in the world.
I got to slow down.
Life took me out; I took life up.
Dance partners forever, me and life, me and love.
Stepping on each others feet eternally and vying to lead, never graceful, always passionate, never pretty, always real.
Everyone….
I love you all so much.
Merry Christmas and may you eat well, laugh freely, and find a way today to feel some deeper meaning, whatever madness may be happening in your world right now.
May you hear some music today.
Listen for the surprising love. Listen for the invitation.
It may come in the form of a stranger, it may be a bird at the door. It may be a phone call from a family member, asking to come in.
Or not.
It may be you, knocking on the door of your own mind, asking for a bath and some time alone.
Answer.
Wish me luck with the writing.
It’s so easy to get distracted, especially here.
Love,
Amanda
P.S. Koro showed me how to smash hibiscus flowers into a sunburn remedy ;)
Comments
River
To be honest I never had much of a plan to begin with. But certainly life hasn't been what I expected, both in good and bad ways. The good thing is I'm in a decent place right now, and hopefully it will last for a while. Happy holidays everyone and good luck with everything! Greetings from Stockholm, Sweden.
Leanne Peters
Good luck with the writing. We are lucky to have you.
Scott Meekins
I had chicken gnocchi soup with quesadillas at mother's house for Christmas dinner. One of the best meals of the year!
Coila
Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it! And the plan. Well, it Changed! And yet, it still didn't go according to plan! 😂🫣 I mostly like my life the way it is. There are a few things I'd like to improve but they feel improve-able. Right now, I'm enjoying the holidays. I spent very few Christmases with my dad, which is sad. But it means I'm not missing him more than usual right now, so that's something, too. 😅
tess
Merry Christmas wonderful Amanda 💕 wishing you and Ash the best New Zealand Christmas. I hope it’s healing. Life hardly seems to go according to plan. This has been a really nice Christmas though. My first year in two years where I’ve been able to spend an extended amount of time with my family and the first Christmas in three years where my dad has been sober. Things are better than they have been in a long time.
Lauren
Short term, long term, middle term, nothing has ever gone as I expected! Even while trying to fancy myself attempting to live free of expectations, they find their way in. One year ago today, I was heavily pregnant, so close to birth. My husband and I got Vietnamese iced coffee in the morning, then did nothing all day, just us. Today, we got in the car to get our coffee with our now 11 month old, but she fell asleep. For fear of waking her, I'm in the car, reading your post, while my husband waits in line for our too strong sweet drinks. Sending love to all, and wishes for expectations-free freedom.
Millicent Haughey
Dear Amanda, I’m so glad you are in New Zealand , are you available to connect and interview for a local podcast? I am in Auckland and would love to meet for a short talk this is the podcast: Radically Alive Women https://open.spotify.com/show/1wViw5Oavb0j4fC6MzdjTh?si=5ysEHgntT86kfQM4d_cM3A . With Love, Millicent
Smashy Baren
Today is a day for movies and fried chicken with my partner. We've done all the family stuff and are enjoying doing nothing! As for the question as the topic, i know it was 14 years ago, but your blog post about the last Lady Gaga concert in New York and how your expectations of your life can change and it's okay is how i approach everything. I'm not where i expected to be, but I'm where i am and that's what matters :) Happy Xmas to you, Ash, and loved ones :)
TK Eldridge
Spending a peaceful Christmas with my dogs at home. Getting calls and texts from friends and family, enjoying the weather that's warm enough in the NC mountains to leave the door open. It's been an adjustment, getting used to solo holidays - but now I find them rejuvenating instead of exhausting. I'm also eager for that light. Check out this song by Mother Tongue "Light Is Returning" https://youtu.be/848blV_JiFU?si=KPORzq8qsb7FLEan
Amanda WouldGo
I’m staying at a hotel just across the border in Canada. So although I’m minutes from my family, it feels fitting that I am alone in another country. My avoidant family hasn’t asked me any questions about my whole life changing, which is weird but fine. I’ve volunteered a little about the divorce, but the subject shifts quickly. So, as usual, I hold everything in around this particular crowd. A new family member mentioned that Christmas with my family is like a Hallmark movie, and they’re not wrong. The decorations, activities, and music are all on point. So off I go to cross the border to open gifts, play board games, build gingerbread houses, and pretend my heart isn’t at least partially aching because I miss doing this as a set. I don’t believe in gods or divine paths, but this all still feels right. I’ll soak in every family hug today, every resonant sound of laughter, and everyone’s eye contact. I’m achy but okay.
