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Hello my lovelies! Woof what a bumpy rough couple weeks! I'..
🕑 Added 2022-09-22 17:28:02 +0000 UTC Hello my lovelies! Woof what a bumpy rough couple weeks! I'll do a update and story catch up post as soon as I'm well enough for my brain to handle that level of executive function! **but in case you've missed my stories just a little update for now that I had to push the Cheryl and black widow drops to end of the month** due to about six different things all going sideways... half of which was health related, and the other life and support structure related soooo I know my life is generally a loop of catastrophy and recovery and we're kinda used to those shenanigans (if I'm lucky they alternate and if not I think we know which one gets favoured lollll) but even for my level of shite storm things are objectively pretty terrible rn and I've honestly been struggling how to even convey that witbiur being too much of a downer, and find my way back to a place I can make content we all enjoy again! I know some ppl can just flip a switch no matter what is going on and I envy that bcs for me I have to have a certain base level of comfort and energy vibe to play off of to create content I feel good about - so when I haven't washed my hair in two weeks and I can barely stand up and keep crying... Well I'm not exactly capable of making even passable content and yet somehow my brain still tells me I should have been working anyway! Hush now I say be gone with that capatalist nonsense! If you have a perfectionist productive squiggly brain like mine pls remember that burnt out nonnconsensual down time is not the same as deciding to rest! And you gotta put your own oxygen mask on first in the plane or else you will pasd out eventually and you won't even have control over when it happens. As in, if we lose the metaphor, if you don't prioritize taking care of yourself mentally and physically sooner or later your body *will* make you. Pls. Trust rom someone that's been there multiple times it is never preferable... so let me appeal to the type A control freak side of you and say if it's going to happen either way wouldn't you rather on your terms?? (okay now I just have get someone to print out my own words and bop me in the face with 'em till I believe it too hhaaah) This month has been fraking brutal (like tonnes of pain not sleeping for two days then out for ten hours then no sleep for two more days loop, both my kitties are sick, not getting proper meds, still no xtra assistant help, 8+ appointments a week, cPTSD flare blackouts, adhd meltdowns from med rebounds, can barely remember by own name, having a hard time not giving up kind of fraking brutal) BUT BACK TO BIZZNIZZ, AS PER TRADITION! NOOD TO CELEBRATE THE HEALTH FLARE ABATING! (I'm still far from recovered, but I'll take any tiny upswing as a win plus I don't have anymore 11 appts a week for a bit and I finally got a little sleep and once I can get my late (Urgh 2 weeks now) meds it should get the migraines chilled too) I've been posting to my story a lot of updates but I've been so out of it I only just realised I haven't to the feed in a bit and this is the spot my anxiety blows up and says I'm a useless pos for not being able to get content out earlier and more regularly etc and THAT'S WHY WE DROP THE NOOD to deprogram my brain from those shitty harmful self talk cycles and shift it to positive by celebrating. And then i have fuel for when the evil voice in my head says everyone is gonna be disappointed/upset for having to take time off now I can go 'yea but how mad can they be if they know they're getting a nood once I'm back??' π Like I didn't ask for this life blowing up nonsense & all I can do is try learn a little more from each flare to look after myself better and not push so hard I crash that badly again (all we can do is keep trying and hope we do better next time) Im also still without an assistant so everything is extra slow now I'm back to things taking ten time longer having to do the executive function side I struggle with! I can create and take sexy content any day but ask my brain to sort, edit, write descs, set prices, and schedule drops and 99% of the time it melts down. But! We did manage to develop some good systems the few months we were working together and I'm finding it not quite as difficult as before so thats still a win in my book! I also really appreciate everyone's kind words and support during these flares. I know my regs are used to the pattern that my extreme fabulousness of being a slutty cripple is having some lulls whem health issues take centre and side stages. And for anyone new if you like our vibe and decide to sricm arojnf I know that in time you'll learn to realise the beauty in the chaos that's just how life is in this realm haha (and when you do let me know bcs I keep thinking I'm there but then realise I'm noooot quite when my internalized ableism pops up like "nab I'm not gone yet bish" Hahaha) π ***Black widow and Cheryl are definitely worth the wait if a few more days tho I can def hype myself on that front at least π πΌ*** and lord I'd forget my medication for 3 hours but my brain could make a hot outfit and shoot look during that time and it legit feels like only ten minutes passed so suffice to say I have SO MANY awesome looks to shoot (literally multiple options planned into May already) and obviously my health and lack of spoons (*google spoon theory if you're confused here*) is the bottle neck here... but as Dory says just gotta keep swimming - or this alternative neurodivergent version I just came across that may actually win first place "just keep stimming" hehe! Okay my migraine meds are wearing off and everything is starting to buzz and pulse very obnoxiously and I don't know how I wrote all. This as a *small* update lol but obviously I miss you all and just got into a wee ramble bcs you make me feel comfy and I just miss our vibes and wanted to catch up π₯° I know i have an odd corner of the internet here with my weird mushy sexy silly broken ridiculousNess. And I'm always learning how to balance the light with the dark so I can brighten your day but also maybe provide something more tangible a lasting comfort of sorts (even if just with a small kindness mindset shift to yourself or feeling less alone w your struggles). I'm just so grateful that I found my ppl that vibe with energy I've created this community around π₯° Your kindness and support for me have helped me grow so much and the fact that I get to put it back into yous and more with creating and advocacy like omg it just means the world to me π Whenever I've thought I had a clear path the universe comes in and laughs maniacallly before shredding it haha, so I'm trying to learn to just go with the flow more (hard when trauma has wired your brain to be type A lol) and grasp tightly every little shred of light and joy I manage to create or stumble upon. Remind myself that investing in my joy is productive. Esp in creative areas we need space for our brains to turn things over and have those little lightning jolts! And I don't just mean stereotypical artists, creativity is everywhere ppl use it for problem solving or jokes... Point is our brains need some stillness or were robbing them of the chance to be inspired How am I still talking omg I can barely see okay I hope some of those musings made sense... **Tldr I've been having really rough time, it's let up a little bit so here's a nood to celebrate. And pls remember to prioritize a little time to take care of yourself (or your body will force you) and make space for stillness, even if just sitting outside for a couple of minutes, bcs that's what our brains need to have little jolts of creativity to help us - with projects or conversations or hobbies etc, creativity affects so much not just the obvious artistic pursuits** PS don't mind all the little spot stickers on my face shockingly not getting enough sleep and being under extreme levels of stress has not been the best for my skin haha, but I managed to do a little low key makeup look the other day for like the first time this month and even tho I felt like a bag of smushed butthole that'd been left in the sun for a week before I'd started I felt like my eyes looked extra neat the way I did them here and I felt a little pepped up :)
