I posted this over on my tumblr, but felt I needed to share ..
🕑 Added 2022-04-07 21:38:28 +0000 UTC
I posted this over on my tumblr, but felt I needed to share it here as well. TLDR: Due to multiple reasons, I will no longer be gaining weight. This is a decision that doesn't bring me a lot of joy, but it's a necessary one. I will still be posting here, just maybe not the same content y'all are used to.
Update:
this might be a long post so feel free to scroll! this is more of a vent/update on what’s been going on with me.
howdy my friends. things have been tough lately, and after some deep reflection, i’ve decided to make some changes. these changes are still causing me a lot of grief. i’ve decided that i am going to lose weight and get back in shape. i came to this conclusion because the life i know i want to live is not one that i can have if i’m 200 lbs, at least at this point. but does this decision make me happy? no, not really.
my relationship with my body has gone through so much. i love being fat. the transformation i’ve done to my body makes me so happy. i was never happy when i was skinny and i had a lot of self hatred. i want to stay fat and get fatter, fatter than i could have ever imagined. but i can’t. i know i can’t. my desire isn’t to be skinny, it’s to be comfortable and capable. and when i’m 200+ lbs, it’s just not something that is a possibility for me. my future career is going to rely a lot on my ability to perform physical labor, and i don’t want to be miserable doing that, ya know? i want to be able to live and travel comfortably. i want to not feel sick or tired all the time. there’s many reasons that have crossed my mind.
but right now, as i am in my beginning stages of losing weight, i am miserable. it sounds silly, but it feels like i am throwing away years of hard work. i’m so fat now! and i love it! and i want more of it! and after years of fattening myself up, now i just have to leave that behind? it sucks. the worst part is knowing that i will always have this desire to get fat again, and who knows if i will ever be able to give in to it again. that being said, i’ve thought about if i need to completely distance myself from the fetish, or if i can still allow myself to participate. to keep myself motivated and away from temptation, i’ve stayed off tumblr and other sites, including my OF. going forward, i don’t think i want to cut myself off, but rather limit myself. so i think i will still be making posts both here and on OF and doing some interaction.
if you’ve read all of this, thank you <3 thank you for being kind and patient with me
