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Waking up today felt a little different. I’ve been waking up..
🕑 Added 2020-10-27 16:30:22 +0000 UTC Waking up today felt a little different. I’ve been waking up early to a dark and cloudy sky, just before the sun sweeps it all away. It’s nice waking up that early, knowing most of the humans around you are still asleep. I looked up at the sky and I smiled, the sky is so nice to look at. For months, and probably most of my life, I’ve felt this overwhelming feeling of loneliness, and I’ve always worked to overcome this feeling. If I’m ever feeling lonely, I do the only thing I know how to do to feel less alone, I ask for company. If you reach out to someone for company, and they reciprocate those feelings, it can be the most validating sensation. You feel alone, someone else feels alone, and now together, you can feel better. The problem with this is, and I’ve realized this today more than ever, is that I only feel alone and the need to be around other people when I don’t appreciate my own company. I don’t enjoy spending time with myself, going to sleep by myself, or waking up alone. I tell myself I hate being alone all of the time, not realizing that this constant repetition of self doubt and love was getting me no where in life, and it was definitely not helping me feel less alone. If you can’t even enjoy your own company, how is someone else going to enjoy yours? I lash out at men all of the time for only wanting to have sex with me, or because I think they do, meanwhile I touch myself all day and do almost nothing related to hobbies. People can’t reach out and ask you to do things, if you don’t do anything. I’ve also spent so much of my time trying to figure out why I’m so different, over analyzing my past and where I’ve been, that I haven’t been able to appreciate the now. I’m doing so well with my page, which is technically my business and income, and I should be proud. I feel more determined today, to become my best self, and to keep growing and becoming a better person. I’m learning to let go of things, and more importantly people. I’m 24, and I’m an adult. I’ve moved on from my past, which means I don’t get to use it as an excuse to hurt people anymore (also something I’m realizing lately) The next time I meeet someone I want to spend more time with, I want it to be because we enjoy each others company. I don’t want to hold on to guys who just text me sweet things that make me feel good for a few seconds, I don’t want to feel like I need to be searching for someone to make my life more complete. I just want to be happy with myself, my company, and content with everything I have right now. I was always searching for something to make me feel worthy, not even realizing I have everything I need already. And you do too We really just need to appreciate ourselves more instead of looking for others to do so. And take more accountability for how we treat people. People have treated me like shit and have hurt me, but that doesn’t mean I get to do the same. Here’s to being better and stronger giraffes, I love you all so much <3
