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My Master told me earlier this evening that in the future, h..
🕑 Added 2024-09-18 22:11:19 +0000 UTCMy Master told me earlier this evening that in the future, he will occasionally read my messages. I spent the last 2.5 hours crying a lot 😢 It helped that he had me recite my mantra beforehand, so I was in a good mindset, but it was still hard 😩
For me, it's always incredibly difficult when we deepen the power dynamic. It’s totally paradoxical because it's something I want, but I still initially react with fear and a vague sense of being overwhelmed when I give up more control. Usually, this feeling subsides quickly, and I feel comfortable in the new situation 🥰 but those first moments are always very emotional 😩 In the past, I would react by wanting to run away (ending the relationship) and throwing tantrums. I have to say that it's not a real "I don't want this relationship anymore" feeling but my very destructive way of dealing with emotionally overwhelming situations.
Today, I managed not to throw a tantrum or feel the impulse to run away. I’m so proud of that, it's such a big development 😊 Instead, I called @yourhandler and let my emotions out while talking to him. I'm so glad that he's such a good friend. Afterward, my Master called to check on me (I'm so thankful that he cares so much about me and how I feel 🥰). He also sent me to my cage and locked my phone (I really hate it when he does that.) Today was especially challenging because I had to deal with my emotions without being able to communicate them to anyone, express them creatively, or distract myself. It was so tough. But I made it, and when I felt like I couldn’t bear it anymore, I called my Master, and he explained in detail again why he wants this and why it’s irrelevant whether I want it or not 🥰 After the call, I felt better, and he unlocked my phone and took the time to chat with me about why this is so hard for me.
It’s not at all about whether my Master will do anything with the information he gets from reading my messages (I trust him enough to know he won’t) or about wanting to hide anything from him. It’s purely about my moral values. I don’t think it’s right for him to read private messages without the people knowing in advance and being able to decide if they want to share things with me under those circumstances. This means that from now on, I’ll have to inform everyone about the nature of my relationship if I think they’re going to share things in our chats that they wouldn’t want anyone else to know. I'm not really in the mood for these conversations, but it'll be fine 😊
I’m feeling better now: The intense emotions have subsided, and I’m going to distract myself with a few episodes of anime and then try to sleep 😊
Why do I even share this with you?
Because I want to provide realistic insights into what BDSM, especially as a lifestyle, can look like. For me, that includes showing that not everything is always easy or works out immediately. It's not always sunshine and rainbows; sometimes it’s hard, and I have to fight with myself for what we (my Master and I) want to achieve.
What I don’t want when I share things like this is pity. That would be completely out of place. Pain, including emotional pain, is part of life, and I have consciously chosen a relationship where pain, suffering, and growing from it are part of the experience. And every day, I choose this relationship again. So far, I have never regretted it. My life has been filled with a lot of happiness, joy, and gratitude since I placed it in my Master's hands. So everything is fine 😉
Wish you all a good night 💜
