LONG DIARY POST 🌱🕊💖
Long post addressing recent history, fo..
🕑 Added 2023-02-01 02:29:07 +0000 UTC
LONG DIARY POST 🌱🕊💖
Long post addressing recent history, for those interested in the workings of my mind:
So if you’ve followed me perhaps you’re aware of my previous absence. Last year i made a plan to return to posting after an extended absence and I did for a bit. This was to much rejoice! [thank you everyone for your warmth in welcoming me.]
However, quickly I found myself in a familiar pattern again. I chose to honor myself, my desires and my vision. And to me, this meant I needed to step away and deeply reflect to gain true clarity about my intentions.
{ U see, my year tarot card of 2022 was the Hermit, and I took that to HEART. I wonder what yours are~~~}
As a sex worker, the desires of others is intimately linked to the job. We are set alight with the passion of our audience, and what a beautiful thing it is to handle the flame of another, adding fuel to the fire and watching it burn brighter <3
It’s also a fine line to walk, and if you lose your center of gravity and fall, you get burned! For one that has not devoted any space to listening within, it can become tempting to let demand be the driver. Ah and then suddenly you find yourself acting as your own slave driver [this happened to me].
This is the self abandonment track. Getting so high off validation that the desires of others take precedent over your own. Maybe you’ve experienced something like this in your own life- many human systems tend to feed off of this exploitation, often unknowingly.
This act, for me was like a crime against my own creativity. My relationship to my truest self suffered, and I sought to escape the illusion that resulted.
Fear, obligation, and guilt. They wrap around the heart, the minds eye, and the desire center like a FOG.
The further I resisted listening to my heart, and instead listened to the small voice of fear that urged me to do whatever it took to be loved… the further I fell from the empowered place in which I belong.
Once I got a hunch of me leaning into these patterns +++ compounded with changes in life that required my devoted attention, I went MIA!
Mistakes were made, things were handled poorly. Like, I had just set up a tier on a sub site for streams… I went live once then lost the footage lol. Costs accrued and experience gained. I’m sorry everyone. I’ll attempt to be generous in dealing with any fallout from my errors.
From here I will take things one step at a time. As opposed to announcing a myriad of things I’ve planned, I’m just going to post as things happen, and attempt to form a more honest relationship with you all. I’m learning how 2 ask for help too ! Always with the utmost priority of honoring my self.
I am grateful to be here now. The self that I have sculpted through time, pressure, pain and pleasure is my ideal now. To create in alignment with mutual harmony, integrity, and love is what I strive to do. May the community that we build be engaging with the forces of good always. <333
Happy to say I’ve learned to hold my lantern 🏮
