I told him again I love him less and less every day.
I don..
🕑 Added 2023-10-09 19:01:42 +0000 UTC
I told him again I love him less and less every day.
I don’t know what else to do except give it to him plainly and honestly. Or I guess to keep saying it until it happens and I’m free of this mental cage I have with him. He says he loves me but he won’t help me with any of the marketing, captions, photo taking, phot editing, social media or important things. It’s like I’m pulling teeth to try to get him to understand me and he hasn’t even helped enough. I feel so frozen, trapped, angry, regretful, confused, _____ and distracted. I feel like an idiot.
I shouldn’t be getting upset over someone who doesn’t even comment on my Instagram or follow me. How did we get this far? Did I just think this is better than being alone? Is it just so rare for me to be attracted to someone that I don’t want to let go? Am I doing this because it felt worse to carry all of this by myself and is he doing less than nothing because he resents me for having a job that looks like im doing nothing? I am working in my head 24/7. If I was Britney Spears, wanting 7 fan pages to help manage millions of fans from each continent and instead of telling me yea, I can help manage one you tell me I should be able to do it by myself then how can you expect anything other than rage, frustration and meltdowns? Get with the program so I can relax and be me.
I wish I could share more. Maybe one day. He won’t sell solo content and gets angry at me when I tell him he should. He accuses me of trying to make him gay and I don’t even have the energy to deal with that fighting. His mother was a hardcore catholic and his dad is a deadbeat so I wonder if that had any impact to how he is. I told him can you please just sell a shirtless selfie so I dont feel so obviously used and like he’s mooching off my image while taking my followers and the money I need to save orphans, refugees and make sure I’m gonna be okay? He just gets rigid with insecurity even though he’s 6’6, built, smart and whatever just because I asked him to start selling shirtless pics and find some sugar mommas so I can stop sweating worrying about my rent AND his. (Which shouldn’t even be my responsibility.) I told him he can sell to women cuz women buy content, too. Especially older women and he goes into a fit as if he’s scared of gay men or struggling with his own sexuality or something. I don’t care. Get off my dick and get out of my way. Give me our content that we can sell at the same time or don’t be surprised when I co-star with someone willing to give me the content right after we make it and is willing to buy their own ads.
Pouring love into him hasn’t worked and I shouldn’t have to be in a position where I have to resort to being mean and strict when I am kind and soft at my core. I wish he had guy friends, brothers or a father figure because he’s not a feminist There’s nothing I can do or say that would ever get him to listen to me or see me in the light I deserve. Part of me thinks he loves me but the fear of being broke and “used” by a seggs worker overrides it. Even though I’ve done more than enough for him.
He is just as attached and confused as me I think, but with fear and resentment of me because I’m a seggs worker. He thinks my job is easy even though I’m clearly falling apart and can’t produce anything fantastic right now. I don’t even want to look at myself. Why wouldn’t you be happy for my success if my goal is to make so much money I could retire your mom or buy a house, maybe even be lucky enough to have kidz who don’t have to worry about college tuition if I could get that far?
I don’t know he expects from me anymore when he’s the source of my misery and gets in the way of everything I’ve been trying to do instead of helping me get to where I need. He keeps asking me to stop talking shit about him on the internet but he won’t do anything to alleviate the pressure or workload. Not even 15 minutes of helping me clear up my Instagram or helping me match outfits.
I’m Managing over 6 social media accounts by myself, 15-18 hours a day and he still acts like I’m doing nothing all day. It’s enraging to the point where I feel like I can’t focus on my VIPs and I’m… Frozen.
He’s still not helping with anything important so there’s nothing left to do except to drift apart. I can’t keep carrying everything by myself. I don’t know why he keeps acting like it doesn’t make sense that I should answer messages while he helps with dishes and that I can’t do both at the same time. He won’t even help me post memes while I edit photos, which sounds like a great job to me but he makes it sound like hell. I deserve someone who adds value to my life and helps me gets stuff done. There’s no point in wasting my time tying to logic this with someone who’s intent on villainizing me for asking for help.
I’m sorry to my followers for all the drama, pain, negativity and tea I’ve brought here. I needed to talk out loud about what’s been going on to people who can see outside of me and actually care about me. I haven’t been able to rely on him or myself to do more. I’ve gotten kinda asexual and traumatized at this point from my messages. I hope to be inspired again soon by someone who’s going to do and be more for me. I’ll be answering messages to nice people instead of spending time with him today. He doesn’t care. I don’t care.
