Some Thoughts About Monogamy, Part 1
A note: I'm bisexual b..
🕑 Added 2021-12-01 04:17:52 +0000 UTC
Some Thoughts About Monogamy, Part 1
A note: I'm bisexual but have dated more men than women or nonbinary people, so for the sake of simplicity I'll just be referring to the people I date as men. Very heteronormative of me, I know. This post is real rough, but I don't feel like editing it anymore than I already have. A vast topic like this is hard to talk about.
The idea of falling in love and only having sex with one single person for the rest of my life has always given me anxiety. That expectation makes love feel like a trap. How many times have I spoken with married people who aren't happy with their sex lives, who are fighting the temptation to cheat, or who are cheating on their spouse even though they love them? The stereotype of sex lives going to shit with time exists for a reason. Another problem is that monogamy has always felt like a way for the men I date to own my sexuality by having exclusive rights. My entire adult life men have pursued me like I was a conquest to be earned--they love showing other men that they get to be with me more than they actually love me. There have been times when I've been a trophy rather than a life partner. I like turning heads and making my man look good. I like showing off. I like people showing me off. There just has to be more than that between us--I can't just be a trophy. Falling in love in the past has meant giving up amazing sexual and romantic adventures for what? To be some dude's girlfriend? No. I genuinely wish I were the kind of person for whom that trade-off were appealing. I wish I were the kind of person who could be happy with a "normal" life. I value love very highly, but love in a cage becomes toxic for me very quickly. Most of my relationships have been fully monogamous (five years was the longest one, another four years, another three.) I always felt like I was missing out on so much that life had to offer. I ended up resenting my partners, especially because these relationships usually started with me telling them that I didn't want monogamy, and then ending up monogamous because they would pressure me into it once I was in love with them. I tried to force myself into that little tiny box and I did not fit.
Rejection of monogamy can come in many shapes and sizes, all consensual so none of it is cheating. The genders can of course be reversed or otherwise changed in any of these scenarios. Here are a few ways people can embrace nonmonogamy:
1. It can be having threesomes with your partner when you're on vacation together. Sounds fun, right? Not necessarily every vacation, can be a sporadic thing. Works well if both partners are equally attractive (physically or otherwise.)
2. It can be lots of promiscuous sex without discussing specifics. Some people choose this option in an attempt to avoid feeling jealous. Whether that works or not is not for me to say. I do know that the sneaking around that this approach requires can really be emotionally hard on the person who has to do it--though on the other hand some people love the feeling of sneaking around.
3. It can be lots of promiscuous sex, but with all the details shared between partners. Some people really love this.
4. It can be asking permission first. This one does not appeal to me.
5. It can be the husband encouraging the wife to go out and fuck whoever she wants, because he gets off on her exploring her sexuality. It doesn’t have to be a submissive, cuckoldy thing. Maybe he gets off on the idea of her enjoying herself and coming back to him.
6. It can be sex with other people with the goal of consensually making dirty home videos to consensually show your husband back home. That can pretty hot.
7. It can be orgies of all types.
8. It can be sleeping exclusively with your spouse while you’re in the same town as them, but then when you travel you do whatever you want with anyone else.
9. It can be only having extramarital sex with sex workers.
10. It can be polyamorous relationships in lots of different configurations.
11. There are arrangements where you can only fuck friends, never strangers, and vice versa.
12. It can be having multiple relationships and all living in the same house or compound.
13. It can be living apart but having multiple relationships.
14. It can be one primary partner and multiple secondary partners.
15. It can be any number of Sub/Dom relationship types.
16. Some people choose ahead of time to open their relationships up after a set time period.
17. Some choose to spend a year apart every five years. I know people who do this and it works for them.
18. It can be fucking someone in front of your partner, not necessarily in a cuckold-y way--voyeurism often does not involve a submissive element, though of course being into the whole cuckold thing is fine too.
19. It can be only sleeping with people of a different gender than the main partner. I'm not into this one.
20. It can be going to sex clubs.
21. It can be long periods of time, years even, only sleeping with your partner, and then going through short periods of time where there's a lot of extra-marital activity. Or you can be monogamous while one person is struggling. For example, if I'm going through grief from a personal loss my husband would ideally be monogamous with me during that time, to focus his attention solely on me, and I would do the same for him.
22. It can be full-on swinging.
