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I *think* this might be my last post about him. And that’s b..
🕑 Added 2021-08-10 04:47:40 +0000 UTC I *think* this might be my last post about him. And that’s bittersweet. Writing openly has been cathartic and healing, but I need to figure out a way fully forward from here. “When you know, you know.” I have such love / hate relationship with this phrase. It’s been the source of several heavy debates in the past. While I still don’t love it, I understand it differently now. In May, I was browsing houses that were for sale (dangerous 😅) and daydreaming about what my life would be like if I lived there. I came upon this charming (yet updated) 3/2 with a yard and studio in the back! Out of my price range of course - but not by an egregious amount. Each room was a different color and the house had so much personality. I started to envision remodels I would make…and realized I wasn’t planning for only myself. Him and I have quite different aesthetics. He likes modern, black & white, high tech - and I like eclectic, ALL THE COLOR and vintage charm. But we both have a massive appreciation for art and all things unique 🎨 . I went room by room saying “ah! This could be his space, this could mine and we could blend here!He can create freely without noise interruption in the back studio. We would expand the closet to fit our epic clothing collections 👟👢👗And, of course, Goose would have her run of the yard with any other pets acquired along the way.” When I snapped back into reality I almost couldn’t believe where my mind took me. I wanted to be his home base in Austin. I was designing a life with a partner. That was new- and very telling. In that moment, I knew. There were other moments that followed while I was collecting the nerve to tell him after all this time ⌛️My ladies and I were planning a trip to Costa Rica, and I was the only one wanting to spend extra time there. My roommate’s partner goes- “Ask him! You know you’d have a good time” with a lil 😉 And I indeed, knew I would. I was ready to open up emotionally and physically…plus! I’d travel pretty much anywhere with him 🌎 Although- I was always weary to be too demanding of his time, he’s incredibly driven and busy. And yet, he somehow always made time for me. Something to note 📝 - my roommates saw how deeply I wanted to be with him…before I could. Actually- for a looonng time, I didn’t even realize he wanted to be with me😂 My housemates were the few people that got to see us around each other in the pandemic. It pained them to see that I was getting in my own way and being slowly swallowed by depression. When my roommate realized he had found a partner- her eyes welled up (mine quickly followed.) It’s a visual stamped into my memory. Over the last few months, I’ve seen myself cycle through the stages of grief in different orders. I even got angry at him…which I must admit felt really good 😅 I placed him on a bit of an unfair pedestal - and never felt quite good enough to be his partner (entirely on my end.) And don’t get me wrong, I think I’m pretty awesome 😎 My self love has grown strong the last five years. But him? Just THE best (and coolest) human. He’s the most stable and focused person I have ever met. He knows what he wants and drives forward without ever stepping on people to get it. I’m a bit chaotic at times and my focus has been all over the place. I felt like I needed to “level up” before fully opening up myself to him. I didn’t want to bring him down, only lift him up. But the wild thing is- he accepted the “negative” parts of me (like my depression nesting) before I could accept them myself. The anger stage of grief made him more human. My surge of self compassion made me good enough. I now see the final stage of grief approaching: acceptance. And even though that’s the absolute goal, it’s a bit melancholy as well. It means my feelings are slowly starting to fade. It means my idealized romantic future with him has almost disappeared. It means I’ll open up to new romantic partners. It means I’ll move on. I bought this bed over two years ago- and since then- he’s been the only man to tuck into these sheets with me. It’s my hope that by the time I’m ready to invite someone new to this bed, I’ll be able to open myself up fully (in all the ways 💋.) The next chapter of my life feels like it’s ready to be written. I’m mostly in charge of the pen and am eager to see what I design moving forward ❤️
