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He showed up in my dreams last night, and while he’s been th..
🕑 Added 2021-07-11 14:54:46 +0000 UTC He showed up in my dreams last night, and while he’s been there many times before- this felt real enough to be a memory. A very spicy memory 🌶🔥😅 maybe this is my brains way of allowing me the future I had wanted. I’ve heard imagining the future with someone isn’t wise, because it’s simply impossible to know. That you view it through a rose colored lens. And I mostly believe that to be true. But what’s very new- and a big step for me…is imagining a future with a partner at all. In all of my dating history- I was only able to picture as far as “moving in” with one person. He made it farther than that 🌱 When I started emerging from my depression cocoon in April- and feeling all the things again 🎉 I started to let myself imagine all the reasons why it might work- and not just the reasons why it might not. And knowing him and knowing me… at 100% full effort? There is no question in my mind about how powerful and lovely it would have been. Of course there would have been hardships- no relationship goes without them. But they would have been more than worth working through. And the heat? I kept my libido too much in check around him. Because even the sight of him was too 🔥 But alone? Even before the pandemic, I wouldn’t always use porn to get off. Imagining him all over me was more than enough 😅 My trustee hand or vibe took care of the rest. I don’t know if I ever even told him that. I held so much back. Too much. I wish I had been able to give him more than 50% (at times probably closer to 25%) of myself- but sadly, I simply wasn’t in the place to do so. And I respect my body for keeping me safe in the pandemic and after my last breakup. It’s going to be a LONG, hot summer 🥵 but I’m so thankful my heart is open again. I’m forever rooting for his happiness and mine (just separately) ❤️
