Incoming vent. There is NOTHING sexy in this post so feel fr..
🕑 Added 2020-07-03 18:49:13 +0000 UTC
Incoming vent. There is NOTHING sexy in this post so feel free to skip.
I know that most people are here just for the lewds (and thats still absolutely fantastic thank you for being here I love you, you may wanna skip this one) but I'm an emotional little shit soooooo yeah I want to talk about some serious stuff. I've been really open about weight stuff on other platforms over the years but not so much on this one. Mostly because I understand that theres a time and a place to dump your emotions on people and maybe OF isn't the best place to do it. But idk, I feel like some stuff is worth talking about and this is body related so I think it fits. Plus, while I know that body image issues and disordered eating are often considered "lady issues" by a large chunk of society , I know as well as anyone that that's bullshit. Maybe me talking about this will help some of ya'll dealing with weight issues in our current hellscape
So here we go. I used to have a really bad eating disorder in 2017-2018. Like really really bad. I went from 160lbs in aug to 115lbs in feb. After having a suicidal episode and a baby heart attack, I ended up self admitting into an intensive outpatient program and over the next couple months and years had a pretty successful recovery. EDs have the lowest recovery, highest relapse, and highest death rate of any mental disorder so I feel very lucky. Part of why it was as successful as it was is because I made it very public. I talked about my body image issues, I would post a lot about how recovery was going, and I encouraged people to hold me accountable. Its a lot harder to hide a relapse when people around you know what to look for. I even told my followers and patrons that they had full permission to check in on me about that stuff if they thought they noticed rapid weight loss. Things were really good for a while. I was healthy, I grew a lot as a person from the experience, and I even talked about my recovery in my law school personal essay. My therapist wrote one of my letters of recommendation lol. I stopped counting calories and ended up gaining about 20lbs and my body was happy at about 135lbs. lol then the fire nation (law school and corona virus stress) attacked. Pretty much all this to say that using food as a coping mechanism for stress is something I still struggle with. When if feels like everything around you is spiraling into chaos its kinda euphoric to feel in control of something. For me thats still food. I think thats why I'm the lowest weight I've been since choosing to enter recovery
I am currently 117lbs. Only 3lbs more than my lowest ED weight. The last time I was this weight I had a starvation induced cardiac event. I don't want to scare anybody, I'm not nearly as unhealthy as a was back then because the weight wasn't lost rapidly. So I'm not in danger, I'm just moving in an unhealthy direction. (also, as a side note, this weight is unhealthy for MY body type and not other girls so pls dont assume that other women are unhealthy that this weight or every lower its a very individual thing) But yea, none of my clothes fit right now and I don't like the way that I look. I'm fantastic at posing in a way that makes me look a lot thicker than I am so most people probably haven’t noticed the amount that I've lost even since starting OF. But even with my anxiety about how I look right now, I know the second I put on more weight I'm going to freak out about it. Fortunately, this is not the first time I've had to dig myself out of this hole and I'm much more equipped to do it this time. What made my first recovery possible was that I got SUPER into weightlifting. It was easy to coax myself into eating more when I knew that I couldn't put on muscle if I wasn't eating enough. So thats the game plan folks. I am going to get back into strength training.....but this time at home 😭
I've set up a home gym that I adore. I got some fancy work out equipment and i'm going to be documenting the progress and updating you guys. I am determined to get to get my weight back up to a healthy place for me and I want to have a thicc muscular A S S. I know this post has been a downer but honestly if youre struggling with body stuff right now, talking about it with others has helped me immensely. I'm not sure that I would've gotten out of it if I hadn't told my friends and family. Telling other people about your goals and regularly checking up with them makes it a lot easier to hold yourself accountable so that's what this post is for me.
I considered posting this with a side by side picture of what I looked like this time last year vs now but it made me sad and felt very clickbatey. I think that a lot of people are struggling with body stuff right now so if that's you, you are not alone my dude. Lord knows I'm feeling it on my end. But yeah, I'm going to get out of this funk and the first step for me was telling you guys so I feel more accountable to keep my promise to myself. Thanks for reading my very long, downer post, you're the real MVP.
