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Man… just when I was kind of on a roll with my videos again,..
🕑 Added 2024-07-31 19:43:14 +0000 UTC Man… just when I was kind of on a roll with my videos again, life threw me a curve ball and it hit me directly in the face.Some of you probably remember two years ago when I was living in Florida, Clyde, my male cat became very sick and I had to put him down on May 31, 2022. Naturally, I was unable to make videos for a couple of weeks after that. He was 14 and a half years old. 🐾 RIP.
Well… Monday afternoon, I noticed Bonnie was sleeping or just laying around in a way that struck me as odd. Just very motionless and not in a typical curled up or comfortable looking way that cats usually sleep. She just laid there, flat and very still. That night she didn’t eat her supper. Didn’t even touch it.
Tuesday was much of the same. In the morning, I watched as she walked over to her water bowl, took one sip, and walked back. That gave me hope. She had the strength to jump a couple feet off the ottoman and walk, AND wanted water. That was good!
Unfortunately, as the day progressed, things got worse. I noticed her breath was horrible, which has never been a thing with Bonnie. Clyde always had catfish breath, but Bonnie never did. Soooo at that point I knew something WAS in fact very wrong.
Later on, any time she attempted to walk, her hind legs didn’t want to cooperate. She was very wobbly as well as clearly confused by it. I… wasn’t. I cried as I helped her back up to the ottoman where she was most comfortable, knowing the most dreaded time had come.
I said this when Clydesdale d!ed… When we have pets, we always know there will come a day when they pass on. Like we KNOW it… but when that time comes, it still hits us like a ton of bricks as if it’s the most unexpected thing that could ever happen. And that’s how I felt in that moment.
I spent most of the day sitting by her. I wouldn’t have wanted to do anything else even if I could. I knew I would be taking her to the vet the next morning. I had an ounce of hope, but I knew deep down that after nearly 17 years, this was about to be an earth shattering end of an era. I fell asleep around 7:30 in the recliner. Woke up at 2:30 this morning.
Bonnie was still in the same condition, lying there with her paws kinda splayed out and her nose pressed down. Slow, shallow breathing. Pieces of my heart proceeded to be ripped out of my ribcage as I looked at her, remembering the days of 2007 when I first brought her home. She (and Clyde) ran around that apartment like tiny cr@ckheads. They were about 12 weeks old and full of energy. It was so hard to look at her, almost 17 years old, thoroughly drained of that energy.
I planned to handle the whole thing solo, but when the local vet was fully booked for the day, I had to take her elsewhere. My car probably would’ve been ok to make the trip, but the last thing I needed would’ve been for Ol’ Betsy to sh!t the bed during an emergency trip. So I went upstairs and told my mom. She has Wednesdays off and even though she had plans today with her sister, she immediately stood up, hugged me, and rearranged her plans.
We took my baby to the animal hospital. During the trip, I noticed that Bonnie’s breathing was no longer slow and shallow, but fast and panting. I’m sure she was nervous about being in her carrier and in a vehicle, which I hated for her. Part of me was like man… this is worse. She’s afraid now when at home she was at rest. I hated it.
As we walked into the animal hospital, someone had a huge dog in the lobby that was barking like a mf. Yeah, that’s exactly what my petrified cat needs. I felt so bad for Bonnie because I knew that now, not only was she in pain and sorrow, but also terrified.
I checked her in, and the vet examined her. I waited with my mom, my empty cat carrier, and box of tissues I brought with me. When the vet came in to talk to me, I explained everything that had happened since Monday. She named some things she was concerned about and told me what my options were. She said that they could run tests on her, possible surgical procedures, but she also said that in her opinion, all of these things would be A) stressful for Bonnie and B) potentially to no avail (in so many words). She said that due to Bonnie’s age and the issues she’s facing… -ch0ke-… euthanas!a “wouldn’t be the wrong choice”.
Cue the most devastating heartbreak I have EVER known.
Crying, hating everything on this prison planet of pain, I agreed.
FUCK.
The vet left the room as we waited for someone else to come in who does the paperwork for euthanas!a and aftercare. And that woman was SO compassionate and kind. I was surprised that the cost of euthanas!a was approximately a third of what it cost for Clyde in Florida, not that it mattered. She told me that I was being sent an email to handle the aftercare (cremat!on, et cetera). Which was exactly the same process as when I lost my Shnookums (Clydesdale). That same woman moved us from the exam room, to the “bereavement room”.
We waited for what seemed like a century for them to bring my b@by back to me. The instant they brought her in, I started bawling, reaching my arms out for my b@by. I held her and kissed her and petted her and scratched her nose, which was always her favorite spot. I told her 46942764593 times that I loved her. I held her paw, the one that didn’t have the catheter attached. I touched her “little feet” (that was one of my Bonnie songs… 🎶little feet, little feet, Bonnie has little feet🎶) and she was spreading her toes while I did it. I was adoring her BEAUTIFUL face and loving her the best I could, one last time.
The vet came in and explained to us what she was going to do, which I was already familiar with because of the Clyde situation. They give one inject!on which makes the cat very sedated, and then another one, and I bawled as she said it even though I knew, that stops her (and my) heart.
FUCK.
The vet left the room to give me some time with my b@by, which was different from Florida. With Clyde, once the vet confirmed that there was no heartbeat, they just took him and that was it. Here, they let me have a few more moments with my B@BY. Ohhhhhhh GOD, FUCK!!!!
I cried and cried and cried and held her and kissed her until I couldn’t take it anymore. Another employee came in, expressed her condolences, and I passed the body of my b@by over to her, knowing that Bonnie was now headed to third party aftercare. And we left the hospital with an empty cat carrier. I now have 2 cat carriers and no cat.
I came home, and just like the time with Clyde, immediately filled out the aftercare stuff and paid for it. Individual cremat!on, a nice urn that I can put a picture in, an engraved brass plate with whatever I wanted it to say, and a clay paw print.
Now I sit here hollow. Bonnie was my absolute b@by since age 21 when I first brought her home. The people who know me well, KNOW that nothing was more important to me than Bonnie. I would’ve jumped in front of a train for her. 16 ye@rs and 10 m0nths I cared for her, doted upon her, in exchange for the joy, light and LIFE that she brought to me.
Bonnie had probably too many kittens in her day. There are 4 people I still know, who have her kittens. One of which is my brother. He has one of her kittens, they named him Salem. He is a black cat and he is a BIG boy. Hard to believe he used to live inside Bonnie who was small, with 5 of his brothers! So I’m very grateful to be able to still see him often, knowing he is 50% Bonnie.
It’s so weird to be sitting here with no cats around. I’m so tempted to find a couple of kittens and bring them home. But man… I just can’t take the eventual heartbreak. I will just have to get used to coming home to an apartment with no kitties. Her litter box, food and water are still there. I cannot bring myself to remove those things yet. I am utterly shattered.
I haven’t, and will not post anything about this on FB. I’ve only told my closest of friends, although word has already spread a little bit. I got a text from someone in AA literally one hour after Bonnie was put down, expressing condolences. I’m somebody who doesn’t like attention in these kinds of situations. Not only that… crazy as this may sound… I do believe that I would receive condolences more GENUINE, here on ONLYFANS, than I would get on FB. In fact, this whole thing has my perspective really shifting on things. Be careful how much you share on social media, because you just might end up MORE crushed by the lack of anyone really giving a fuck, than the already crushed feeling you have. Some people rejoice in your misery. And fuck 👏 them! 👏
This kind of post would never be shared on FB, because most people don’t give a damn, and others are happy about it. I pretty much loathe FB atm, like I couldn’t possibly give a fuck less about anything there and ya know what else?… All my other perceived “problems” seem so petty and meaningless after this absolute catastrophe. I chuck the fucking bird to FB and the people who don’t actually care. I know damn well who my friends are, and they were immediately informed. Other than that, I feel ten thousand times the amount of love here on OF than I do from the people I actually *know* on FB. Imagine that.
All of this being said, my heart has been vici0usly ripped from my rib cage and tbh I don’t know how I’m even “alive” right now. I don’t feel like it. I feel hollow. I feel numb. I feel like a shell of a person. I can’t function normally. There was an AA “thing” that I intended to be a part of last night, but I decided to stay with Bonnie instead. I have an AA “obligation” tomorrow night, but I’m going to text someone from that group who has been very friendly to me and ask him to fill in for me because I just can’t. My eyes are so puffy right now from all the crying and that’s not going to be cured overnight. I need time. Time to grieve. Time to mourn. Look, I may be an a-hole for this, but losing Bonnie is more painful for me than ANYTHING else, ever.
Which again, speaking of perspective, is bittersweet. On the one hand, I’m obviously devastated. But on the other hand, this is one of those moments that hurts SO BAD, that it makes you feel kinda buIIetoroof. Like oh you think you can hur+ me? Please. Nothing, nobody, no event or circumstance could possibly hur+ worse than this so take your aim.
Sighhhh. I guess that’s it. I have no idea when I will make a new video. I do know that I am NOT giving up on videos. I WILL be back. I’m just not sure when. When I lost my Shnookums (Clydesdale), I think it was a couple weeks before I felt able to make a new video. And as much as I LOVED my b@by boy… Bonnie was indeed my entire heart. 💔 So. I really don’t know. Hopefully sooner than later but.. idk.
I was wondering if I should make a “g0 fund me” thing. I’ve never done it before, and everything has already been paid for. It’s just that it’s one of those things that nobody ever wants to have to DO, nvm pay for. And tbh if I *did* make a g0 fund me, it wouldn’t be so much for the costs of euthanas!a and aftercare, but more for the lost funds of videos. I dunno. I probably won’t do it. I think about it tho.
Like I said, it was about one third of the cost in Florida for Clyde’s euthanizat!on. That was 3 something and Bonnie’s was only $122. AKA nothing. The cremati0n, urn, brass plate, clay paw print and shipping was $362.31. So today, putting my b@by down cost $488.31. This is not me complaining. Again, I already paid for it and would’ve paid twice as much if I had to. I’m just still debating the g0 fund me thing. Then again… tf does it matter?
I’m sitting here now in a brand new era. 2007-2024… that’s a long time for a cat and a long time to build the bond that we did. I know that Bonnie is still here with me. Ever since I lost Clyde in 2022, I’ve felt that his ghost has been living on top of my head ever since. To such an extent, that in my head, Bonnie and Clyde would still have their sibling rivalries. Because even though I can’t SEE his ghost, I believed that she COULD. And now, they are reunited, and Bonnie already kicked Clyde off my head and onto my shoulder, at least for now. But they’re both still with me. Very much.
Thank you for reading this. Thank you for understanding. And if you’re someone who has ever lost a pet, thank you for your empathy. Thank you for your understanding. I hope to be back soonish. I always figured that losing Bonnie would hur+ worse than losing Clyde and in a way it does, but in another way, it seems like losing Clyde kinda prepared me for losing Bonnie. So… odd as it is, my heart is still beating for some reason. And I’ll be back just as soon as I can be.
Love,
Jessica 🐾
